AIBU to expect my partner to share weekend family time and childcare?

Reading comprehension here would be superb.

I can see both sides. He works hard all week and on the weekends he wants to have a lay in and see his friends, he doesn't want to look after your child. BUT hes in a relationship with you and your son is part of that relationship too. You even live together which should have solidified the relationship, but it hasn't. The fact he doesn't want to act like a family, sharing the lay ins, spending time as a family of 3 just shows that this man doesn't think of your son as not a part of his family and I'd be running out the door. He's also selfish not to let you ever have a lay in on the weekend. Even once in a while. Do not have kids with this man. He's just a lodger who you sleep with.

You're being a dick.

I’ve told him if we have children I’ll be having lie ins and he can do all the get ups like I’ve been doing now!

If you really mean that then you sound ridiculous and taken with the content of your first post, it sounds like you shouldn't have another child with anyone ever. You seem to resent the responsibilities that come with it.

Completely agree. I’m school based and do 32.5 ish hours, I often work over. DH regularly works 50-60 hours so compared to him I’m definitely part time! I also get 12 weeks school holidays and he only gets 6 so I definitely get the better deal in terms of hours a year!

This has to be rage bait. Nobody could be THAT un self-aware

I don't think he is unreasonable no, although I do think he could look after him while you have the odd night out.

TBH I think the 50/50 arrangement is unreasonable and not working. Your not getting a lie in at the weekend or a night out because for some reason instead of splitting weekends your doing every single one. And how are you working as a TA but get less weekdays with an earlish finish. Most of my friends who are TAs do it to spend more time with their kids on weekdays.

Did you discuss this all before you moved in together?

TA’s only usually work term times as well which is why it is classed as part time, their pay is annualised so they get paid each month but they only usually work 38 weeks per year.

30 hours term time is pretty part time compared to an average full time role.

I understand wanting some family time and I think he should prioritise some of his time with you and DS, given he has made the choice to live with you (making him more of a family figure, rather than just having a GF with a child).

Nevertheless, it’s unreasonable to be angry at him for having ‘freedom’ and lie-ins. He is not the parent and ultimately anything to do with your son is your responsibility.

My partner is my DS’s stepdad and I never forced any responsibility on him or placed any expectation on him to care for DS. I also had majority custody (bio dad is useless) and worked 50hrs a week in a demanding job- I was tired, but it wasn’t my partner’s fault. In the end my partner voluntarily stepped up and he’s an amazing stepdad and father figure. I imagine if I’d forced that rather than allowing it to develop organically between DS and DP then resentment may have built and it could have ruined the lovely dynamic we now have.

That said, my DP was at a stage in life where he really wanted his own family and he was ready to prioritise family life. In the years previous to meeting me he’d spent time being single, enjoying his friends and having all the freedom he wanted. For some people that is what they want and need from life, but for my partner, like many who hit their early 30s, he wanted to settle down. Your partner isn’t at that stage. Does he want kids of his own?

He isn’t your child’s parent though so you can’t expect him to treat him as any children you would have together in the future.
You should be getting up with your child on the days he’s with you, you have a lie in/free time when your son is with his Dad.
You could ask your ex if you could change the 50/50 slightly so that you aren’t doing every weekend. Most people I know who are separated do a couple of nights in the week and then alternate the weekends.
Your new partner chose to be in a relationship with someone who has a child, they should be kind and enjoy spending time with your child but they shouldn’t be parenting them/not able to go out and enjoy their hobbies and friends. It’s up to you and your child’s other parent to support them emotionally and financially.
I assume as a TA you work term time only, so in school holidays you have 50% of your time to do exactly as you please, which sounds like a lot more freedom than the average parent gets.

This.

It wouldn’t your ‘turn’ to have weekend lay ins if you had a child together, it would be shared.

It sadly sounds like he sees your relationship differently to how you do (casual boyfriend vs part of your family)

When I was in a live-in relationship with someone who didn’t have children, we managed similarly. He would look after my two if I went out in the evening occasionally but 95% of the time they went to my mum’s. He lay in at the weekend while I did swim lessons, football etc. and they went to their dads every other weekend and every Sunday afternoon. We did a few holidays and weekends away as a family unit but I still did all the grunt work as I was their mum. It wasn’t an issue with me, the last thing I wanted was a man who wasn’t their dad getting involved in discipline and rule setting, which, if they’re getting involved in child rearing, is inevitable. He just implemented my rules and routines on the occasions I wasn’t there and I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

Yes, it would be nice for your partner to spend time with you and your son at a weekend. Does this happen at all? Or not as frequently as you'd like? If it's not happening at all, have you raised it with your partner? Absolutely nothing wrong in your partner choosing to spend time with his friends. However, is he spending every weekend, all weekend doing things without you both? To me, that would suggest he's not really very interested in family life. He tolerates your son in small doses but doesn't really want to involve himself any further than that.

The above would then raise a flag....if you were to have a child of your own together, would he still not to want to be involved in family life at weekends?!

I agree that the responsibility of your son is yours. You can't expect your partner to look after your son. It's not his responsibility to get up early. As you're living together, I would expect him to spend some time over an entire weekend with you both though.

You need to figure out how much involvement your partner actually wants, because from what you're saying, it's not much. He doesn't see your set up as a 'family', and he definitely doesn't see himself as a step-Dad. There's nothing wrong in how your partner sees your current set up, but it doesn't align to yours... that's the issue.

I'm sorry but you cannot possibly compare a teaching assistant's possible 'Life and death situations' with an A&E Doctor? You can big up the role of a TA all you want but it doesn't come anywhere near to a Doctor whether working in an A&E ward or elsewhere!
I'm sure your TA job is valuable and not easy but it is unskilled labour compared to years and years of study/exams.
An A&E doctor suffers from burnout really quickly. Unsurprisingly.

A TA usually works 32.5 hours a week.

Full time is 35-40.

It is part time - it's not very part time but it is part time

Am guessing her boyfriend works substantially more.

Wow Yabu. No one wants to spend their free time with someone else’s 5 year old 2 years in to a relationship

Why are people saying the OP only works part time? Have I missed something? When I was a TA, most of them were paid to start at 8.30 or earlier (I was paid from 8am) and were paid until 3.30 but often stayed later for whatever reason. Obviously different schools have different school times but with a half an hour lunch break if you were lucky, that’s hardly part time! Not 60 hours a week but still not part time in a pretty full on job!
Anyway, back to the point. Firstly, I wouldn’t have moved a partner of two years in yet but secondly, the child is yours, so of course you should be the one getting them up in the morning! You only have them half the week!
I do think it’s a bit shitty that he wants to go off at the weekend but as others have said, he sees you as his girlfriend who happens to have a child and that’s his opportunity to do activities with friends.

He doesn’t rarely join on activities though, OP has said he is involved and engaged with family time and pays a portion of her bills, but occasionally sees friends and won’t get up at 7am.
Very different.

He doesn’t see himself as a family man / father figure to your son
That is unlikely to change
You either accept that or move on
i would not have moved in with him

Who does your son stay with on a Monday night? Do you and your child’s father alternate this so it works out 50/50?

I think you are looking for a level of commitment from your partner that he does not want to give - you want him to act like you are a family rather than your live in boyfriend and this is causing you some hurt and disappointment. I would expect you to do the bulk of caring for your son when you have him but understand why it could be hurtful if he says he would never step in if you have something on or if he never or rarely wants to join in with family activities. Your partner isn’t obligated but it sounds like he could compromise a little. Perhaps you can work it out or you may realise that you are incompatible.

I think your partner has no obligation to change his life around your child and you should have probably discussed this much more before you moved in together. If you’re picturing a different setup you’ll need a different man.

I also think it’s worth reviewing your parenting arrangement with your ex as this doesn’t seem ideal for either of you.

Honestly though, working part time and parenting part time is a ‘lot’ of free time - much more than most people would have in their lives. So maybe you just need to adjust around a bit. Seems odd that you wouldn’t have your child during the week at all when you work school hours anyway.

Yes, you can be jealous but it is unreasonable to be pissed off at him as he has plenty of time of. He is not the father of your child and doesn't want to be. He is your responsibility. You can't compare this to how he would parent his own child. Some people are happy to take on a stepchild and treat them as their own; he is making it clear that he doesn't want this. Decide if this is good enough for you. Ask if he will feel differently if you were married and how he would plan to parent any child you would have between you.

@Mummsymun DH and I have been together for 35 years and the DC are grown up.

He had/has a surgeon genre job. The DC were ours, he was available on Sarurday mornings. I was responsible for house, family, and had a responsible professional job five days a week. The DC were my responsibility 7 days a week.

We were happy. It worked for us. The benefits:

Beautiful home
Stable relationship
Plenty of money
Private schools

You get out of life what you put into it. DH was under huge stress (loved it) and needed downtime at the weekend, the bits he didn't work.

Ffs. Don’t have kids with him.

Hes absolutely entitled to not want to parent your son. But it does sound like he actually doesn’t want to spend any time with you both as a family unit. If that’s the case, he’s not exactly going to become super dad if you have another one.

If you want another child, find someone else.