AIBU to expect my partner to share weekend family time and childcare?

He says your break is 50% of the week, does that mean your dp does all the cooking and cleaning on those days?

Even without a child in the mix, my
boyfriend sleeping in until 10am on our joint days off every weekend would annoy me. That‘s the morning gone after getting dressed and having breakfast. Add into that a boyfriend who didn't want to spend any time with me on those days and I wouldn't continue to date him.

It has only been two years and you already live together and have seemingly stopped spending any quality time together.

You're not a family - you're not married, and your child isn't his child.

Every time this story gets told from the other side ("my male partner has a child who isn't mine and expects me to act like I'm the parent") the woman gets told to ditch the loser.

You get half the week child-free AND your boyfriend is financially subsidising you? Seems like you're pretty fortunate. What's stopping you seeing friends / having alone time when ds is with his father?

Even if you married this guy and had kids with him (and for the love of God don't have kids without being married, plus joint ownership of the house), I don't think anything will change. With such a big income disparity, he will always have all the power. It'll always just be "Sorry, got work, bye, even if you have work too, any childcare issues are your problem". Doctors often do think that their job being "important" and the stress etc entitles them to just shrug off any other demands. (Well, male doctors).

He's made his position clear; you need to decide what to do about it.

Childcare IS your and the dad's responsibility. You already have that divided up equally in terms of time (although many find that shared custody works more equitably if you alternate weekends vs weekdays since weekends tend to be more "leisure time" vs school routine but also more hands on - maybe something to consider changing around). A live-in partner might watch the children if the parent needed to go out, but it shouldn't be assumed or expected.

Your partner is a big part of the child's life; you see the three of you as a "family". I'd have a conversation with partner about spending time together as a family because it seems like the two of you have different ideas of how much family time there will be. That discrepancy may result in disappointment for your child if his expectations are built up and not met. But I wouldn't focus on the fact that your partner has time to see his friends and go out, just say you and your son miss spending structured time with him and want to see him more and suggest some family outings or projects. He can figure out how to juggle his time.

I'd also be concerned about how your partner speaks to you. When I tell him I’m tired he says that I’m a mum and it’s my responsibility to look after ds seems kind of reductive and maybe misogynist; can he not sympathise with your being tired without lecturing you on motherhood, which he has not even ever experienced? He says my “break” is 50% of the week when ds isn’t here and that other mums don’t get this “break” sounds prescriptive and normative and maybe suggests weird ideas about families and gender roles. Some single mums and some single dads indeed don't get much of a break especially if they don't have extended family or reliable paid childcare, but that's a specific situation and there's no reason for you to feel guilty about it. It's kind of "eat your beans because there are starving children in Gaza", not really what you'd say to an equal partner. Be mindful of the quality of the relationship and whether this is a good, respectful, compatible, and equal partner for you, not just his relationship with your son.

Why doesn't your son ever see his dad on a weekend that's unusual. What does he do for work as he free Tuesday - Friday .

You are a mum who works part time and only has their child 50% of the time. Of course you should be doing 100% of the childcare and of course your partner (who isn’t the dad) doesn’t need to help. What are you smoking that you think you’re even remotely being reasonable?

Because you have a shit deal. A really shit deal. Go back to your ex and sort this out. Why does he have no weekends are you have them all? You need a fairer balance of 50/50. also who has the kid on a Monday night? Is that alternated? Because if it is always you, it isnt 50/50.

I’ve told him if we have children I’ll be having lie ins and he can do all the get ups like I’ve been doing now!
You will be doing everything because he sees it as your role and as he has a big-job he deserves and is entitled to lie-ins. He also will not share the load in the nights as his big-job means it could risk lives if he doesn't get a full 8 hours undisturbed sleep. His language I dont like. But I do think you are unreasonable thinking be should do childcare at weekends. But I do not think you are unreasonable to want family days out with a man who chose to move in with a mother and child.

Do not have children without marriage either.

Whose house do you all live in?

Is this a joke? Op, unless there is some part of you which is utterly wonderful, and can make up for your insane expectations, i would have ended the relationship with you when you said that.

YABU. Your partner is not a father. And he isn’t interested in being one it sounds like.
You work as a TA and only have your child 50% of their time- so you have lots of time to yourself already.

If you were the father and your partner was the gf - you'd be accused of wanting a nanny with a fanny. Your partner is perfectly entitled to lie in and see friends and not babysit your child. He's right. He also has a stressful job and deserves the downtime. He didnt choose to have a child, you did. He's setting boundaries and that's allowed. It might be best to switch up your weekends though. And if you were both wanting children one day then you might want to consider how ds would fit into this...

It’s not his child though? And you get half of the week ‘off’. I see his point tbh.

Bloody hell OP if I was him I'd be gone faster than a fart in the wind. If he's reading this here's my advice RUN!!!

You are both being unreasonable, to have moved in together without a clear understanding of what the dynamics should be.

I would never move my DC in with someone unless the plan was for them to be a full part of the family - if they weren’t up for that then they wouldn’t be the right person for me.

Likewise, I’d only live with a man who had a child if I was prepared to be part of a family.

You and he have different views on what living together involves.

I think it’s fair enough he wants the weekend off actually, especially as you already have another parent doing 50%.

If the genders were reversed people would say you were looking for a manny with a cock.

Though of course if you are not feeling the situation, you are free to leave.

I think she is being a dick.

She has her son half the week so does have child free time, but is pushing her bf to act as a stepdad and he's pushed back telling her her son is her responsibility. She's trying to get him to give up doing stuff with friends on the weekends. They have 2 very different views of this relationship and OP is coming off entitled.

She wants them to be a family and for him to spend all his off time with them including getting up early on weekends and caring for her don instead of her mom.

He sees her as his gf who has a son.

Very, very different views and she's just going to push him away trying to control when he gets up and how he spends his free time and that wouldn't be a bad thing.

This!

why don’t you arrange alternative weekends?

So unreasonable it's got to be a reverse.

If anything, fix the contact days you have with your ex. 1 week on, 1 week off would work better so you both get a weekend off.

Interesting.

Well no, it's an entirely different situation. You look after your child more than 5 days out of 7. The OP has her son 3.5 days out of 7, works PT (taking school holidays into account) and doesn't mention anything about additional stressors. I mean, anybody can feel tired under any circumstances, but from what the OP had said, her life doesn't sound particularly onerous.

I'm picking a reverse. The weekend custody usually goes to farher.

this is crackers op!

You have to 100% of get ups now because it’s your child (actually you do 50%, your ex does 50%)

in future you will do 50% and then rent of your next child will do 50%

why are you finding it difficult to understand that you current DP isn’t doing anything wrong .

There have been a lot of threads from step mums in this situation, where the actual father of the children is expecting their partners to take on childcare responsibilities, and the answer is always that they are being treated like a 'nanny with a fanny' and should leave. And that is often in longer term or more committed relationships than a boyfriend of two years. Of course you are being unreasonable, your boyfriend is right, you are the parent and you only work part time, and while being a TA is no doubt stressful it doesn't really compare to being a full time A&E doctor.

It seems you have very different expectations from this relationship and perhaps should have discussed this more going in, but no, it's not fair to expect your boyfriend to properly share parenting with you and it's clear that's not what he thought he was signing up for.

You can’t expect anyone who isn’t the child’s parents to step up. He didn’t choose to have children yet because he likes to go out and lie in. That’s his choice. You chose to have a baby which means you sacrificed some lie ins and freedom.

Some men who choose to be with a woman with a child will relish the opportunity to support their partner and help and sounds like you need to find a man like that because this man isn’t the man for you if you haven’t such different outlooks

Of all the issues in this post and that’s the one you choose to comment on!! 🙄

One thing that isn’t helping is that your son is with you all weekend, every weekend, so you and your DP never get a day together, just you and him.

Similarly your DS’s dad gets every weekend off. I’m not sure why you agreed to this pattern, if you never get a day off for yourself or for you and your DP. You work or you look after your DS. That doesn’t seem fair on you.

In any case, the biggest risk with your DP is that you do have a child with him and he very obviously treats his child as more important and special than your son. Better presents, more money, maybe private education. Your DS could end up feeling resentful as a result.

As someone else said, I think your DP sees you as Ms Right Now and not Ms Right. If you do have a child, make sure you’re married to give yourself more legal protection.

Shes not being a dick. She wants a family dynamic and he clearly doesn't. I wonder why he bothered moving in together at all.