Dh has announced his retirement date and I feel irritated by it

No problem with him doing his hobbies but he needs to do them around the family. I really don’t get these types of men, DH is 50 and he would just get on with it. I would definitely have a meal waiting for me at home and he would turn his sauron like gaze onto DC’s education (they are so lucky he’s not retired).

You don’t have a magical house elf so he’s going to have to start pitching in isn’t he. I would have been like “oh thank fuck, I’m never cooking again”. Start divying up the chores immediately.

I’d be fuming op, I get it.

things run differently in my home though. My dh was the stay at home parent for a good while. I was the higher earner. I could have retired next year but I’ll carry on (part time these days due to mobility issues) as we are topping up his pension from years lost to him being out of work.

It’s only fair and that’s probably what your dh should now be doing

Yes.
This is the biggest problem the OP faces.
Not minor bullshit about school admin and 'on call parenting'.
What does the latter even mean?
The children need picking up once or twice a week?

Aren't parents, if they're half decent, always on call as parents?

I feel for you but you need to find a way to let that go. You can’t change what has happened. You’ll either make yourself or both of you miserable if you continue down this path.

That’s ok. You’re working and that means yes he can do his hobbies but he must be around for picking kids up from school when they are ill, food shopping, making meals for everyone, housework, gardening, running kids to after school activities.

he will soon find he is busier than he was when he worked.

Well lucky you and lucky kids.
You have been around in their primary years, got to be at home with them and now in Secondary they get Dad.
There is a downside to anything if you look hard enough.

My H announced his retirement and just does .... nothing. Im younger and still working. I'm om the brink of leaving him as he's just very dull and I've got lots going on!

So tell him that. He needs to be the default parent if he's retired and wants to stay married. He sounds pretty lazy so be clear from now.

Sounds like this has triggered a lot of built up resentment OP. You need to sit down and talk to him. You are not working together as a team.

Parkinson's law.

Is there any chance he could work part time as he would keep his skills and be bringing money in. Maybe money is not an issue for you both.

You literally don't do any of it. You say to him "brilliant timing, you can deal with the school stuff now, here's a list of things and I'll update the school emails to your address". Then leave it.

If he won't do that, divorce and get half his pension.

It does sound like the financial split hasn't been fair over your working life anyway.

I'm sure that the chores stuff will iron itself out.
Those criticising you for not liking him are missing the point.

The bigger picture here is that he is only 55 and retiring.
That's ridiculously young considering he might live another 25 years or more.

Don't underestimate how much a woman can go off a man when he doesn't work.
It doesn't seem to happen the other way around.

Unless he is super organised he'll probably just get fatter, more boring, always be 'in your face' (in the sense that he's never out of your sight not aggressive).
Proximity and familiarity are one of the biggest killers of attraction and breeders of contempt.

When people retire at a more usual time, this is not an issue but if you're still youngish, it might be.

Funnily enough, if there's a huge age gap it's not such an issue as for a man to get a woman 20+ years younger he's usually pretty driven.

But what has any of that got to do with retirement? And surely if the teen years are that bad then it’s good to have both parents at home. Btw not all kids go through all that stuff week in week out! Mine didn’t. We had one or two episodes but it wasn’t that bad.

I think you are being a bit premature with your resentment OP. You may find your dh takes to doing more around the home and parenting like a duck to water. He may form close bonds with your teenagers, he is going to have a lot of time on his hands and hobbies shouldn't take all that up. You seem to be feeling regrets about the past which is heightening your fears and feelings but the only way is forward so now up to you to shape your future.

How long does all this take in reality?

Sorting their bus passes - 30 minutes once a year
Making sure lunch account is topped up - 10 minutes once a week
Filling out the endless consent forms - for what?
Parents evenings - 2x a year for a couple of hours
Sorting their food tech ingredients - 10 minutes once a week when they need them
Concerts - once a year
Awards evenings - once a year
Checking on the app what homework they need to do and making sure they do it - the students should be doing this themselves!
GCSE options evening - once in 5 years
Attending meetings if they go on overseas trips - don’t send them!
Making payment for extra curriculars - 5 minutes on an app
Ferrying to extra curriculars - car share with other parents

I mean, it’s hardly a full time job. At best it would take an hour a week. Some people really do exaggerate how much time they spend doing school admin. It’s almost like they’re trying to justify being a SAHP.

You made the choice to spend your inheritance on not working though - hence the lack of pension now. You’re still making it sound like you had no choice when you very much did have one. Now your DH is making his choice - to take his pension.

Most people these days don’t have kids till they are in their early 30’s as it takes time to get an education, find a job you enjoy, get established at work so you are earning some serious money, and also meet someone you love and want to spend the rest of your life with. So consider yourself lucky if you did all that at age 25! I hadn’t even finished my Master’s by then!

Sounds like you need a discussion about retirement being from work not family life and as he has more time he can pick up more of the parenting side of things, to help support the team/family

I think you to sit down and have a serious chat about what he thinks his retirement will look like.
Tell him that as the parent at home with more time he will naturally be delegated more of the household admin, kid stuff and keeping on top of chores.
He may have expected that to be the case or he may complain that he’s retiring and wants all his time to himself.
If he does the second, I would point out he is retiring from work not from his family/ children.
Over the past few weeks just with all the transition stuff of moving children to secondary schools, prepping for September, childcare for the summer holiday and working I’m now exhausted and using a phrase I should have started earlier
“ask your Dad”
its been quite refreshing as like Mums I’m the default person the kids all come to!
Have the conversation now before his retirement date arrives so everyone knows what they are doing, before resentment kicks in.
Im not sure spending your inheritance on your share of household bills etc so you could stay at home when the children were smaller was fair….
You will have made his life much easier by choosing to do this by taking on all the child/house responsibilities when the children’s needs were quite intensive.

I would tell him that I need him to carry on working for another couple of years to top up my pension pot since my own money was spent on subsidising the family childcare costs with my inheritance. He owes you equity in this relationship - you didn't have 4 kids all by yourself and it wasn't your responsibility to fund them through childhood using all your own personal money, while he grew his pension pot.
There's a lot of disparity in this relationship which needs to be addressed.

And absolutely, if he's home he should be doing the housework, food shop, cooking and primary responsibility for the kids. He chose to be an older parent and so he shouldn't get to opt out of that. Men who want early retirement with no responsibilities shouldn't be having kids who will not be adults at their retirement ages.

I felt like the youngest moving to secondary would be the green light for me to have more freedom and this ‘announcement’ has made me feel like I have no choice but to continue in my current role because he has retired.

I don’t really understand this- how would him continuing working been the green light to more freedom but him retiring won’t? Would he have taken more parenting on if he hadn’t been retiring?

Like PP I would take the angle of being delighted by this - ‘I’ve been thinking about going for a promotion/taking on extra responsibility, I’m so pleased you’ll be around for the kids after school/can take them to after school activities/ do school admin now as I can really focus on work a bit more’ etc.

Thing is though- if he thinks ‘oh crap this is not what I’d planned, I’ll stay working a bit longer’- what is the actual benefit to you? Presumably then you definitely will have to continue as you are now, whereas if he does retire life should be a bit easier? Or is it the money, you want him to earn more before retiring? Or resentment that he’ll be relaxing while you’re still working? Which I do get as much as everyone is saying the teenage years are hard (which I don’t doubt!), they are not as relentless as those 12 hour days at home with crying babies and tantruming toddlers.

Yes, just tell him. And if he doesn't agree, make sure he understands there are consequences for it.

Absolutely, @rainingsnoring 👏

I don't agree with your points.
The age gap isn't massive, she says so perhaps she is 50 and he is 55. She is therefore perimenopausal or perhaps post menopausal and likely has some symptoms of that as most women do.
In general police/firemen, etc have historically retired younger as they had incredibly favourable contracts. They are less good now; it's the older folk who benefited from this. There is no particular reason why they should retire earlier than say a surgeon or a builder or anyone else in a very physically or mentally demanding job. It doesn't give anyone in those jobs a pass to do nothing from their mid 50s. As I said before, most of the people I know who had those roles took another job, started a business, etc afterwards.

It's also not the case that secondary age kids can be as hard work as you make it. In general, parenting becomes much more complicated at their age and they need far more emotional support. Sadly, many young people have mental health difficulties nowadays because of the world they are forced to live in. The academic work also becomes more important. Many teenagers have a lot of hobbies and need lots of lifts.