Dh has announced his retirement date and I feel irritated by it

I didn't feel that at all. I enjoyed my kids far more as teenagers but also I didn't allow myself to be their slave

Only by parents who are over involved. The idea of raising kids( especially secondary school aged) is to teach the self sufficiency, I dependence and resilience.

Parents who are hovering and doing all these stuff for them obviously aren't

Most of that stuff on the list isn't daily either. Like topping up lunch card. Even over 10 years ago it could be done by DD. Just make sure the kid knows the daily allowance they have and get them to keep an eye on the balance As for " meetings" for GCSEs , overseas trips etc Well they come once or twice in 5 years

In my view marriage is similar to a triangle: The baseline is how everything works financially and who does the family stuff and household duties. Each partner contributes what they are able to keep the triangle stable. If one partner does not pull their weight in whatever way then then the whole falls apart. This does not mean that contributions do not shift over time.

Therefore the whole structure needs to rebalance.

I'm saying this with love. He took your inheritence money to pay your "50"%. Girl you paid for the privilege of being everyone's slave. He needs to step up now and take care of everything so you can get that back. He isn't going to relax or have time for new hobbies because he's going to have a house to run. I can't believe you were manipulated into giving that money away like that.

So he’s got the time to take over the house work, food shop and dinner prep then.
His hobbies can work around that …

Exactly, there’s millions of dads to 11 year olds in their 30s. Does he think they get to all go off and golf all day and pretend they’re a single man with no responsibilities? Until his child is an adult, he needs to provide for him. He doesn’t get to opt out of being a dad based on his own age when he still has a child to care for.

Are you frightened of him, OP? Yes, just tell him. Do you think he’s sat there worrying what you will say if he asks you to book a dentist appointment for your son? You say, ‘you’re not retiring, you’re being a sahd, parenting doesn’t stop just because you turned 55, you knew when we had DS that you’d be 55 when he turned 11 and now here we are’. Make it clear that you are taking on the role that he did when he was working and you were more flexible. You even still had a job then and he doesn’t now so it’ll be far easier for him. His age is irrelevant other than the fact that he gets his work pension to cover the costs your inheritance did for you. If he could manage his professional job for 30+ years and everything that entailed without needing to be micromanaged then he can manage this.

@PerfectTiming1 I am married to someone in one of those types of careers and it was very much a joint decision when he was looking to finish his service at the earliest point. We needed to look at the best time for it to happen and what we wanted the future to look like. Yes he was younger than your DH but had to be a joint decision for the family. You say you can't "just tell him" but it seems he can just tell you when he's retiring without a discussion!

DH took early retirement at 58, I wasn't sure how I felt about it at the time. Four years later, he's a lot happier and why wouldn't I want that for him.

I became a SAHM for five years, worked part-time after that so I pretty much did all the household chores, school stuff, anything in garden/house I could physically do, so when he came home we had more relaxed quality time together.

Moving forward, I still do a lot of those chores, but he does more cooking, ironing, food shopping, has taken pretty much all gardening on (except I like and do pots) and he's done some painting. It sounds like you don't trust your DH to want to help out a bit more. DD has left home now, but believe me teenage years are equally demanding, late night lifts, emergency appointments, trips to sixth forms/unis in future.

Even better, I left one of my jobs last year, just left the other one at 59. Money is half what it was, but we can pay the bills. We've got more time for hobbies, friends and are free to go out more together. We enjoy pubs, drinks, a joint hobby and have a few mini breaks a year.

Everything is joint in this household, doesn't matter how it's funded as long as there is enough in joint funds - I bought more money in initially, had a small lump sum given to me, but then earned a lot less for years. We has brought full time wages in all our married life and an inheritance. I stand to receive a large inheritance in next few years, it's considered joint for joint purposes (donor knows that!).

Your DH is being very unreasonable.

He should be the default parent in Sept. He should be parenting NOW.

I could not retire and leave my partner financially exposed and needing to work years longer because of choices made to benefit the family.

The wage/pension gap falls impacts women significantly and is massively unfair. Women take more time unpaid to deal with caring responsibilities.

He has done his part, you have done yours. By far the fairest thing to do is for them to stay on a few years so you can both retire at the same time.

I imagine it was a joint decision made for mutual benefit, as this current one also needs to be

I think the conversation needs to be along the lines of 'well yeah you're retiring from your job, that doesn't mean you are retiring from being a Parent and frankly I'll be glad of your extra availability with them now' ...

OP, I feel for you, but this sounds more like a husband problem than a retirement problem? If he hasn’t been pulling his weight up until now, then I would vote YABU for not discussing this sooner - parenting is a team effort. You still have time though, I’d be explaining that when you’re working and he’s home you are expecting him to take over the responsibilities which fall during your working day, and the rest to be split 50:50. I don’t think it’s right to resent him for retiring, but I do think it’s right to resent him for not parenting properly! Sit him down and explain, and hopefully things will get better. As everyone else has said, if he’s not at work the next day, he can do the midnight teenage pickups!! All the best. X

I am married to one of those (ex police/ military/ fire service) and he absolutely understands that family life is a team game. He retired from work last year and picks up the majority of school duties. So please don’t be a walk over and let him say he has ‘retired’ as you don’t get to retire from family life!
Some if it has been an education but he has taken on more and more as I have not been present or willing to do it!

Friends DH rural constable police retired at 55 . Took 25% out in cash from his pension and thought he was done could sit on his arse. Unfortunately for him his wife younger and senior in the police force wouldn't put up with this her family have a business so she booted him into helping out there. It's her inheritance once she's retired and wants him to know the nuts and bolts of it.

Frankly he's a lazy bastard who's done rural policing for years. Think stolen tractors, cattle and sheep rustling.. dogs worrying sheep. He's a nice guy married to a police detective who's risen to work on some truly awful cases before her promotions. Maybe their suited well. He's so chilled,

Surely you know having your youngest child at 25 makes you an unusually young parent (in the UK, anyway), rather than the OP being a particularly old one?

She’s been working since youngest started school so at least 6/7 years. So a bit shit of you to assume he’s been supporting them all.
And I think it’s safe to assume he’s an older parent if he’s retiring when the child starts secondary. He’s obviously not 36!

OP I agree with other posters. Secondary age need just as much if not more support. He’ll have no excuse for not doing at least half of all the lifts and running around the kids will need now as teens. And no excuse to leave the emotional load to you.

You are absolutely bonkers to have this financial set up. You are a family with children together. Why on earth have you used inheritance to enable you to be a SAHM, not building up your pension pot and now your husband is able to retire very early without a financial care whilst you continue working and being the main parent. You should be working towards a joint retirement. Your earnings should be joint, into one pot. Sure, make whatever arrangements you want for hobbies etc. But why in earth have you left yourself in a position where you have to continue working and being the main parent while he goes off to play golf??
In your situation, I’d be saying no way is husband retiring whilst I work and parent. He can continue working, fund your pension that you’ve missed out on you can both retire together when the kids have left secondary and you can enjoy your retirement together.

My husband retired and I am still the primary do’er of things.

He spends a lot of time saying “we must tidy up” or “I need to organise my space so I’ve got somewhere to do things” or “I really should cook more” all while watching endless videos about guitar playing on YouTube.

Yes I could prompt him to do things but I’m not his mother and I’m not going to spend all day saying “ can you clean the bathroom today” or “can you put the washing on today” etc.

I would not expect your DH to pick up domestic stuff when he retires unless you tell him you are expecting him to take this stuff over.

We all know it’s massively unlikely that it will happen, but now is you time to lock into your own career and pension contributions while your dh is now the de fault parent to your children. It will be amazing for you not to have to take time off for medical appointments or keep part of your brain on whi has done which homework or wether they have the right kit in their bag.

Yea. I’m the breadwinner in my family in a high stress job. I appreciate all the childcare my husband who is a teacher does, I truly really do but I’m angling for early retirement due to the stress and years of missing out. If my partner was irked by this, I would be pissed off. I would have gladly gone part time but didn’t make financial sense.

You have obviously not have a retired husband who is not doing much else than amusing himself and still thinking you should be doing as much work as you did when he was working full time.

100% agree. It should read more like
After you retire, you will be responsible for all child related matters. For example: lunch money accounts, parents evenings, options evenings, college/Uni open days, dentist/doctor trips, clubs, sports activities, school trips, revision classes/tutors, homework deadlines, GCSE and A level prep, social activities (parties, boy/girl friends), shopping for food, clothes, school supplies.

Now that you are retired and I am still working, it’s your turn to take over the child related things. I also expect you to do the bulk of the housework and cooking.

It’s not the same if there is a SAHP taking on the bulk of it though.

@HaveYouFedTheFish the wording isn't the issue. I'm saying that she can list out all the regular tasks that have to get done. He probably isn't aware of everything that OP has been doing for her kids.