Dh has announced his retirement date and I feel irritated by it

I can't get my head round the idea that a healthy 55 year old would consider himself 'retired' from all duties including most of the parenting - watching it go on around him day to day and just picking up his newspaper or hopping off to a golf game. This is just ludicrous.

Most retired people have adult children!

I have a 14 and 12 year old and its been the most exhausting bit of parenting for me! Year 7 onwards is just absolutely relentless parenting - you are still cooking/cleaning/ driving around/organising sports/ activities/ worrying about them/dealing with school

I can't imagine how familyi life would work if one adult just felt none of it was anything to do with him. Apart from anything its completely selfish and bizarre.

He's a housewife and default parent then 🧐 If he stays at home and is a parent to minors why do you get to unilaterally declare that he isn't a sahp?

No one is a SAHP if their kids are at secondary school.

This is absolutely what you very, very clearly have to address.

Retirement from work isn't retirement from parenting - has he not noticed he has a year 6 child?

Be incredibly clear that retirement from parenting is not on the cards - retirement is from his paid job, that's up to him - and you expect him to do as much as you did whilst blowing through your inheritance as a self financed SAHM.

The complete freedom isn't possible until the youngest has finished school.

teach them not to call you first!

University years don't necessarily need to be expensive if they live at home.

Your funds should be joint. Surely you would decide between you what age each of you could retire at - assuming no ill health

Well he will be retired and therefore a pensioner, that doesn’t change the fact that he still has dependant children.

I think you’re dramatising here. You choose to be a sahm. He doesn’t need to compete with that, he was never a sahp during the early years and nothing changes that. You can’t resent him for thinking he has an easier life when you wanted and chose to be a sahm, don’t be a martyr.

The reality is he will have plenty of time for leisure and hobbies, as would anyone with teens in school all day! But then he will be the one there in the evenings while you are still combing home from work.

You can’t go back in time, can you? Focus on the positives of him retiring now instead of brooding over what you wish had happened before.

Have you both discussed your retirement plans - what your goals and plans are, finances etc, met with financial advisors, planned both your retirement dates?

Yeah, he needs a reminder that he will be retiring from work, not parenting.

There's a lot of angst with teens but they don't need walked/driven to school like a primary school child and basically someone being with them all the time outside of school.

Only if you continue to do it.

He won’t be working. So he does his share.

Yeah to be honest I think the primary school years were a breeze compared to the secondary school years!! The dramas, homework’s, GCSE’s, lifts here there and everywhere!!

This is a matter of completely subjective and personal opinion.

I had four teenagers at once for a year (now two are out of their teens) and work full time with teenagers and young adults.

Being the parent of a teenager (regardless of whether you work) is terrifying because you worry about them, but it's also a huge joy and privilege to spend time with them.

I'm the OP's partner's age but twelve years off retirement - I'd love to be able to spend more time with my teenagers, especially the youngest who could do with more support with school stuff. As it is we both work full time but my job is outside the house with no flexibility and DH can do 80% home office, so he's physically around by actively working - he does more lifts as he doesn't have a commute most days, but not once I'm home.

I was very part time when my children were very small and went full time when the youngest was four - small children not yet at nursery are charming but relentless - teens are definitely far, far fewer hours per day of full on parenting, and the worry is existential and nothing to do with who is home in the day.

Up to now nobody has vomited in my car since the small child car sickness days.

@PerfectTiming1there are loads of issues here, but please believe everyone who says that kids going to secondary/ become teens isn't an easier stage! It's definitely not. Maybe a quieter spell the first couple of years if you're lucky.
If I were you I'd get back to FT work and leave him to it!

This, and more. Fo make sure he isn't thinking his retirement means lots of solo travelling and hobbies.

My OH will probably retire when our youngest starts secondary. I’ll be delighted if he can make that timing work to be honest. Everyone says the teenage years they need you even more so I’m glad he’ll be around more for them.

@PerfectTiming1 this makes no sense unless he's not doing his fair share of parenting.

Obviously now that's in the context of him working and you not, but going forward it would be the reverse.

So, you need to talk to him about it. What has he said? I don't blame him for being very excited to retire but I would've thought spending more time with/on the kids would be a bonus for him.

OP wasn’t a sahm when the kids were at school - only before. But she has taken all the parenting on and working as well as blowing through her inheritance

Checking on the app what homework they need to do and making sure they do

Is this really a thing for secondary school kids? Pretty sure I responsible for my own homework and there definitely wasn’t an app to keep track of it!

But surely he couldn’t retire when things were more in the trenches, as you were a SAHP and he was probably not old enough. So I really don’t see the problem. Great that he can take on some of the load while you work

How many kids do you have?