Dh has announced his retirement date and I feel irritated by it

Well then say so and don’t allow him to be so bloody selfish.

He is retiring from work not life. He’s not eligible for a state pension for another 10 years, he is emphatically not a pensioner.

then don't be.

Friends in the police force retired from the force but took up a second working life. One which they enjoyed. I wouldn't say that they were pensioners. At 55 there's still a life out there.

Stop saying that you did it for the first one so it's logical to do everything for the second. We sold our business early. DH learnt to cook did the morning school run. Was always busy. He had hobbies but the children came first.

Might be a good idea to start talking about good it will be to have him as the SAHD and do the bulk of child related tasks and housework.

To be fair it doesn’t sound like he has actually said he is or isn’t doing X, Y or Z.

’Default parent’ isn’t really an accurate description in secondary anyway, there’s so much less to do physically during the day. You aren’t going to school for a million things, you don’t need to be available on inset days or half days, you don’t need to bring them to school.
He will have free time until about 4pm or later if they do clubs, but in the evening he’s still a parent surely?

I think the crucial question is how old will he be? If 60 fair enough, if 50 i would think like you do

The "Retirement" is from day to day full time work. It is not from being a parent ever. Once a parent always a parent, whether good or bad, till the day you die!

Even after all these years I'm still taken aback by just how intensely some mumsnet posters despise men.

I highly doubt he will do this, but for most children, the secondary school day is longer, and they get there on their own steam so are out of the house longer.

he can have hobbies during school
hours you have hobbies at weekends

Your problem is he’s unilaterally decided to retire - have you had any discussions about finances, what he will do when he’s not working, when you might retire, if you are going to focus on your career. It’s bizarre for a married couple not to discuss this stuff. My DH and I are planning to both retire by 58 - we are both 54 but have been talking about this with our financial advisor for the last 5 years. He basically sees you as a support human doesn’t he.

@PerfectTiming1 how is paying 50/50 fair as a full time SAHP when you’re losing out on pension contributions and saving the family child care costs???? Not saying you shouldn’t have been contributing at all if you could afford to but the majority of fully SAHP have their contribution being the physical work they do for the family instead of the financial one.

Also he is retiring from work, not family life/parenting. It’s no different to when you were the SAHP, you weren’t working outside the home but you were contributing. If he doesn’t pick up the slack you’ll be so resentful, it could seriously undermine your relationship.

I don't know much about money, but this makes a lot of sense to me.

I'm shocked at the financial arrangements of your marriage. It's obviously very unfair. You've missed out on building your own retirement pot. He should be giving you the difference.

He’s about to become a teenagers personal uber lol

You just need to make clear he’s not retiring from parenting and household responsibilities. In fact he’ll be doing the bulk of it.

DH doesn’t have a job but he does everything else and I mean everything. It works for us.

No, the obvious course of action is the retired parent doing it, surely? Just make sure he knows it's going to be his responsibility!

You say it's not a parent's job but I suppose that comes down to how you approach parenting.

Some kids struggle with organising themselves and motivation; this can be particularly difficult in Year 7 when they're still adjusting to the demands of secondary. Some kids are neurodivergent and struggle with organisation. I don't think there's any harm in checking an app to see they've done what's due and giving them a gentle reminder if needs be.

I think that’s the tradeoff to being an older parent - there are positives but you are still an active parent at an age many would be settling into hobbies and travelling and such. If your youngest is 10 or so, he has another decade of parenting ahead of him. Just like you took on the primary care burden when he was working and you were home, he can now take on this role now that it’s the opposite.

I would personally start passing things over in a very deliberate way. ‘Oh! I’ll contact the school to update everything to your number’, ‘oh, here’s the weekly activity / lift schedule. Make sure you get Ben to football for 7pm, I’ll be just back from work then’ or whatever. Presumably he’ll be doing the cooking and such too so bring that up a lot.

I think it’s obvious that you should also experience the benefits to a stay at home parent that he enjoyed for many years. He has a bonus that you carried on doing this even after getting a job. Now it’s flipped around - ideal time for you to focus on your career and he can focus on the house responsibilities.

Not usually when they're 11 years old though.

Not for women these days anyway. Most people don't get to retire anywhere near as early as the OP's partner any more, and vanishingly few women have a baby in their 50s...

Hasn’t the money been more important than kiddie sports day? I rarely made my son’s school stuff as I had to earn money

Well, the nature of retirement is that it kinda happens as your kids get older...