Dh has announced his retirement date and I feel irritated by it

No! You say, ‘That's fantastic, darling. You’ll be able to spend much more time with the kids while I’m working. Here’s what I currently do - is there anything here you don’t feel able to take on?’

I know it’s not the same but mine needed a lot emotional support. I would take primary school over midnight confession stress drama etc. That I was supposed to fix!
I think they were stressed and couldn’t sleep but go tell Mother off load everything, mother will fix and off to sleep they went!

Well, let him know he hasn’t even started to do his part, and you’re looking forward to his being a full-time SAHD with full organisational, emotional and practical responsibilities.

And mean it.

He can put the cycling lycra catalogue down.

Not bitter at all! I'm 49 and Totally delighted to be retiring in 5.5 years. Don't feel sad for me at all! We are sorted. Poor OP is bitter as she and her DH are not on the same page. Luckily, we are.

no its not a question of just telling, its a matter of modelling. My late husband was also in a position of authority over others...similar to military but not. He would never have considered for one moment behaving as though he had also retired from our partnership. We never had kids but we had other responsibilities. I did know other wives whose husbands were in the same profession as mine and some of them did used to moan that when their husbands were home they didn't expect to do anything. I wondered (and still do) why they put up with it.

Me too! I don't know why though... Is it the idea that Bondi Beach is the atheist substitute for heaven? Or the competition between the parents and the kids over who gets there first?

I agree with pp saying the kids still need a lot in the secondary years. DH is older than me and has been unemployed following depression and I'm not sure if he will work again. He's 61. We have two DD 12 and 14 - the 14yo has ASD and probably needs more support than the average kid her age. I work 4 days a week and am 50.

While he's been off, DH has been doing the following for the kids:

Lifts to / from school when required (not every day)
Lifts to their activities (6 days a week) and friends' houses
Taking them to any appointments (quite a few for optician and orthodontist)
Taking them out on inset / half term days with friends when I'm working
Helps 14yo with her hobby (sparring)

Obviously there is still a LOT that I do - all comms about school and hobbies and friends, all organising of events and buying of clothes, toiletries etc, most of the help with homework and revision, and the vast majority of their emotional support with friendship dramas.

So it's not like he does everything but it certainly helps that he is able to do the above - previously I would have fitted it in around work, with difficulty, so it is good I don't have to now. There's housework as well of course which i haven't touched on, but even from a parenting pov, there is plenty to do. As pp say, there's then driving lessons and the next move to uni or whatever - parental input definitely needed here.

I think if you can afford it, it is great your DH can retire, but he can and should have a lot of input with his kids - they can benefit a lot from having him around more. It has been really good for my DD14 to have her dad around more. Unfortunately financially it is not so good and he does need to work again, but if he didn't, I wouldn't mind him retiring. I enjoy working, certainly need to work many more years before retiring, and we never expected to retire at the same time.

So has he outright said that his plan is to crack on with hobbies and still leave you to do all the parenting? Whilst still working?

Your own bitterness is irrelevant to OP’s situation.

Hahaha, oh dear. I'd never marry a police man or a soldier @PerfectTiming1 but I do understand how the idea of "just telling him" is laughable. My husband would not be "told" any such thing either. That said, I'm not sure he'd abdicate on his responsibilities like this either.

Why?!

Hi op yes he can retire from his job but not being a father just say when you retire will you be doing more for the kids being more available so I can concentrate on my job. If he doesn’t pull his way call him out dad first.

This post makes me really feel sad

Well yes of course that's completely unreasonable,, but also in keeping with the idea of letting you use up your inheritance to look after the children. He behaves as if they are not his children at all. All the other behaviours follow.

Buy him a cookery course as a retirement gift and that can be his new hobby - together with cleaning up the kitchen afterwards.

Well if you aren’t going to talk to your own husband about it I’m sure what you want out of this thread?

His occupation is no excuse for him being a dick. If he doesn’t realise he still has children when he stops work why would you even remain married to him?? The whole dynamic is bizzare.

If you get a divorce then you can take half his pension.. And he would probably end up with more child care than currently too.

You never intended to stay at home on those cold, wet Tuesday November mornings when your husband (and the rest of us) were at work and didn’t have a discussion about retirement for both of you? It sounds to me like you’d like to have your cake, and eat it.
So, the choices are hard. Go to work, five days a week, when your kids are young, or work until you are 67 and your kids are living it up on Bondi Beach. Choose your hard. I’m heading for Bondi Beach at 55. With my husband. I returned to work with 3 under 3 when the twin were 5.5 months. It would have been much nicer to has been at home.

I don't really follow your thinking.
Your H is older so your work lives are out of step. He started before you, so will finish before you and enjoy retirement. Just as you will when you reach that life stage yourself.
The fact that you were at home during the tough years and he will be at home in the easier ones, isn't relevent, because you were/are at home for different reasons. You because you took time out of the period you'd have otherwise been working, specifically to do that childcare, he because he's completed his work life altogether.
So, you shouldn't be comparing your SAHM period with his retirement. You should be comparing his retirement with your own retirement. And yours should be the easier.

So don't be on call. Tell him this works well, as you did all the on call during their early school years, and he can do it now. Great timing!

So you’re comfortably off, you could afford to be a sahm, your kids are transitioning to high school, your dh can finance his retirement-what exactly is the problem? Do you love and get on with your dh? Do you want to please each other? If so, why not have a conversation about your life going forward and how it can work for you all? And maybe think about the old story about everyone oolong their problems and deciding that they’d like to take their old problems back.

This.
Embrace it op!

I'd consider going full-time and pushing your career forwards in order to boost your own pension pot. Therefore he needs to be looking at being the at home parent. Teenagers are not easy, and I have had more time off this year because of teenage drama than I ever did for little kid sniffles or whatever. Is he emotionally intelligent? Close to his kids? Will they come to him with romantic drama/friend problems/got their period/furious about some injustice?

This was always the arrangement with my husband - kids are getting older and I am looking to retrain, he is in a senior leadership position, as my career is on the ascent at some point he can take a back foot and be more present at home. I worked 15 hours a week whilst our kids were young, and am still PT now, and I am grateful to have been able to do that, and do agree he deserves to wind back from paid employment younger than me. But it's been discussed in explicit terms - think you need to be clear with your husband exactly what him being at home at 55 means for the family.