Dh has announced his retirement date and I feel irritated by it

Sounds like you could have afforded childcare and or a cleaner if you didn’t want to do it yourself.

I think YABU to resent him sorry. If you’ve been SAHM until youngest is 11 then what have you been doing while they’ve all been at school? You’ve done quite a bit of relaxing I’m sure. Now it’s his turn.

He might say yes and mean it and then do it really badly 🤔

I think its sweet that you think the shitwork stops when the children reach secondary age. Honestly, if you're wanting to get back to work then his timings perfect.

She isn't bitter. She's worried.

For God's sake stop with the martyrdom!
He's now the SAHP and you make sure he behaves like it. You're at work, he's at home. Change your mindset. Just be delighted he's taken this decision as now it frees you up to concentrate on your career and you'll have a dinner waiting for you when you get home!!

FYI Having children changes all equations.

Just talk together about your concerns. Personally life got more difficult for us when kids were at secondary school not easier!

The school concerts, assemblies, sports days were wonderful times. I wouldnt have missed any of them.

Has he actually said that he doesn’t plan to do anything other than his hobbies when he retires? Or are you just assuming? Every time your teens ask you for a lift or money, etc. just tell them to ask him!

Im mid 50’s and a retired police officer with a retired husband who was also a police officer. He was more senior than me and worked shifts and I stayed in a part time, flexible role to manage the childcare. We both did roles we were not wild about over the years to manage the parenting. He actually retired 18 months before me and I immediately stepped back from all my previous roles - food shopping and cooking etc. He’s also the one who has largely paid our mortgage and cleared that and you can’t underestimate the freedom that that gives you.

There’s no way that parenting a teen requires an all day commitment from a person at home. You can fit hobbies around that no problem. Since I retired I retrained and work a very part time job to boost my pension ( and also volunteer and play sport ) and he has kept up the majority of the household responsibilities. The only issue I have is I never have any time on my own since he is less social than me and stays home more than I would like. I always knew when he was going to retire - 30 years and that’s it. All police officers know when they’re going to retire.

As others have said I think he needs reminding that you both chose to have kids when he was older and they aren't fully grown yet.

So he can retire from work, but not from parenting and it would be pretty shitty to not do the the lions share of parenting when you are holding down a job and he is not.

Bigger problems in your marriage then, if you can not discuss this and negotiate shared responsibilities. Being a SAHM is not an excuse for letting this sort of dynamic develop. You needed to assert yourself a long time ago, tbh, but you can still do it now.

I don't see how the youngest starting secondary school is relevant. They don't suddenly become independent at 11. Ours needed loads of support at secondary school and one of them did a very time consuming hobby as a teenager which needed lifts all over the place.

Just make it clear to your husband he'll need to pull his weight if he doesn't already.

He’s retiring from his career NOT being a parent or husband. So he now gets quality time with his youngest child, extra time with his wife/husband and some time of his own for hobbies.

it will also cut you some slack so you can focus on your career, retraining or so on.

it sounds great, I would be thrilled.

That’s so great DH, I can now concentrate on my career whilst you take over the SAHP role. What a fab idea…

But he hasn’t, has he? Just because he was the breadwinner for 40 years and you had a massive inheritance, it doesn’t mean he should have any pleasure in his life.

You don’t like him, do you? LTB.

So your money is shared, but his is his own.

Your time is either work or childcare or housework, but his time is his own.

If he’s retiring while he has school-age children, then of course he should take over the parenting. He’s got at least another decade of parenting heavy lifting .

If you don’t believe he’ll step up, and he won’t be reasoned with, then start consulting lawyers about asset split in the event of a divorce.

You can't just retire from parenting.

With the last DC entering secondary you would reasonably expect that you could take on more hours and be working near full time (if you want to) in which case I would expect for at least some of the teen needs to be taken by him, at least as an equal load of not more, and a fair bit of the cooking. Sure he can have a hobby and dedicate time to it, but not every day.

I would say be clear that you are no longer as available and you expect the parenting and household loads to be fairly split, given he has now got time on his hands.

I think YANBU if you have done the life/house/children admin while"not working" and are now going to be working while DH isn't, then he can now take over that admin while you work. Seems reasonable. Let him have at it... I wonder if he will feel retired 🤣

Can I ask ballpark how much your DH's income will be in retirement if he is retiring so early. I am in my early fifties and cannot imagine retiring on what my pension is worth.

I get you op. It feels as though he’s picked his moment when the parenting is much easier. I had a similar situation as H had a side hustle when DS was a baby (basically so he could avoid parenting whenever he wanted to) and he gave it up when DS was about 6/7 and therefore so much easier. I’d done FT work plus absolutely everything else at home and every weekend up until then.

Not sure if there’s a solution as if he can afford his half of the bills then I guess financially it’s his decision. But yes I’d be making it clear that he’s now default parent/ chauffeur from the moment he retires.

We are definitely Roman Catholic and very grateful for the health to work when young, to ensure our children go to the best schools and that we can retire when we are ready at 55, having worked five days a week for 35 years. It might have been “nice” to have been at home for years but for US working in your 60s when more tired and not so young, is not for us, each to their own.

Make clear to him now that your family is still young and not independent and it is a change for him rather than a real retirement, at least for the next years. If he gets a day golfing, you get a day doing whatever you want. Balance.

You need to make clear to him what is expected in retirement, so you're on the same page.

My DH is talking about retirement in a few years. My major concern is that he's going to think that all of a sudden my major focus is going to be on him and we'll have all this time together, etc. There's still a lot going on at home and I have my routines and things. My life doesn't change. He talks about retirement in terms of joining groups and things too. We actually have a disabled child at home that I care for now, so I'm blowed if he's going to think his retirement = total freedom.

I understand some about having hesitations about his retiring. It's got nothing to do with hating him or not. For me it's more about disruption to my own life and routines and having his expectations of me to deal with.

What's the plan for supporting the kids if they want to go to uni?