AIBU to reconsider a long friendship after my bridesmaid's behaviour?

Oof, I gave £30 as a wedding gift recently. I hope my friend isn't contemplating ending the friendship over it.

Seriously, I think the wedding stuff isn't entirely relevant. You feel your friend is taking more than giving in general. If this bothers you enough to make you want to discard her, do so.

I agree. It's not about the size of the wedding gift, though clearly that was the straw that broke the camel's back, its about the long run up of the Friend demonstrating that her wants/time etc were more important than OP.

And it does take a big event sometimes to see that, when other people around you are acknowleging that its a special time for you, the comparison between that and and when you realise that someone you've always gone the extra mile for, doesn't or can't be bothered to, do the same for you and feels zero shame about doing less than the bare minimum.
And its not so much about the money, its about the unfairness. She was your bridesmaid and you paid for everything for her, hair, makeup, outfit and accomodation, for heavens sake, she's not a mere work acquaintance you'd only invited to the evening do.

I think OP that ultimately its not about you... its all about her... and she's probably like this with more than just you. Perhaps she was a jealous of the attention.

You seem to be basing the value of people on how much money they gave you the day you got married and comparing it with how much you gave them.

I thought weddings were about the marriage, not amassing loot.

It is if you’re in the wedding party. £30 from a couple, or even an individual, is a slap in the face.

I think it's geographical
Im in Northern Ireland and it's the norm to give 100 quid each and cover your plate
Over the border it's 200 as weddings are usually bigger and last the whole weekend
If you don't you will definitely be whispered about

I think it might depend where you are from. In Ireland/NI its standard to cover the cost of your meal per head and then add a bit on top as a gift. So £200-250 would be the norm for a couple going to a wedding here.

Snip snip snip. Get rid. Just the lack of effort and energy would be enough for me.

For whatever reason , I dont think this person is pulling their weight in your friendship. Why dont you withdraw and see if she reaches out and if she doesnt then you know she cant be bothered. Soinds to me like shes a friend you could do without. Other explanation could be that she's just one if these people who doesnt really get the unqrittenbrulea if friennsahip, in whixh case.....can you be bothered? People like that cant help it but they can be hard work

Sounds like the final £45 that broke the camels back

Your friendship is dying. Gradually remove support rather than suddenly pull the plug though

If you're making all the effort and you don't want to anymore, don't. She'll either respond by making an effort herself or the friendship will fizzle out.

I have a group of old friends, one of whom is no longer making much effort and we're letting it go. It's her choice if she doesn't want to join in/drive to see people, etc. (she expects others to drive to her).

Interesting, I could afford it now but when my child was in school (a decade ago) this amount would be equivalent to 2 months expenses including food and energy bills (on minimum wage, privately renting, single parent).

a young friend told me this week

ive not contact those people that haven't contacted me, from January the 1st. As it was always her that contacted and kept contact.

As events have posed up this year they have suddenly popped up, but she has remained loyal to anyone of her friends that has contacted her first, the other friendships she has replied but then gone silent

when I say event - I mean an event that they would have previously been invited and paid for.

tbh I think this is a good way of weeding, not all weeds are ugly but you don't want them in your garden for one reason or another

She sounds a bit shit regarding effort but never would I give a gift with the thought it should be reciprocated. The reason people are focusing on that is because you mentioned it in your original post as if it was relevant.

By any chance are you in NI? I ask because £200-250 would be the standard here for a good friend. And that's regardless of however humble your income is.
I'm a fairly newly qualified nurse, so I'm far from loaded and my circle is similar.

I can see your frustration completely and get where you’re coming from. It’s not about being transactional in a friendship, it’s about feeling a major imbalance and a lack of care/effort. When you feel like you’re the only one keeping the friendship going, little things sting more and feel like a slap in the face. If she had been an amazing and caring friend who matched your energy and efforts, you wouldn’t have cared about getting £30 in a card for your wedding. But that combined with everything else just makes it feel like you don’t matter to her. Like you’re an afterthought or an inconvenience.

I don’t think it’s about tallying up expenditure or being “transactional” but when you feel like you’re the one making all the effort and it isn’t matched in any way, it does make you ruminate on what you’ve put into a friendship compared to the effort the friend puts in with you.

I’m getting married at the end of this month and am convinced one of my bridesmaids is going to come up with some “emergency” that means she flakes last minute and doesn’t end up coming. If that happens, I will be cutting off the friendship. Not in a dramatic way, I just won’t be making any effort to reach out to her and will let the friendship fizzle out. Perhaps that’s more what you’re thinking? Less of a “I am never speaking to you again!” confrontation and more that you simply match the energy you receive from her. Take a step back and let her come to you. Don’t waste any of your time on her. It’s too draining always showing up and caring for someone who doesn’t appreciate it or reciprocate it.

I don’t know anyone who gifts a friend £200 for their wedding so I think you need to realise that just because you do that doesn’t mean that’s “normal”! I’d give between £50-£100 gift and that’s normal in my world.

It reads to me like she has been trying to cut you off for years, but just can't get away!
Take the hint.

I had a similar situation. My older friend never wanted children and got pregnant and wanted a termination. Due to medical issues a termination could have killed her so she had the baby. Her horses were more important to her so every weekend we bigger her son up and looked after him. They spent every Christmas day with our family.
When I had children she didn't even send a card and as her son got older and she didn't need us to look after him anymore she rarely saw us.
I cut all ties and ive never had any regrets!

I feeling shes tried to distance herself and you haven't got the hint.

You don't know her finances or financial situation at all

She's got a kid and expecting another people save hard in pregnancy to be able to afford nursery and the things needed for a baby

I think your just been a bit grabby

£200-250 really isn’t standard.

I'd give her less thought and time, then see what happens, how she responds. Who knows, maybe she doesn't have much spare cash.

They're just appeasing you, or perhaps are daft themselves, as you are coming across as a petty nutter about this.