AIBU to pursue a future with my sister's ex-husband?

How did you get on talking to your sister @Plumzingy? I hope it went OK. I think you have had an unnecessarily hard time on this thread! Sure it's not a great situation but life happens.

I think I’m one of the few here who would say to absolutely go for it. Life is too short. Your sister has happily moved on. You were nothing to do with the split.

Penelope Wilton

Awww OP this is a tricky situation to be in!! At first I thought definitely not, she’s your sister and that’s her ex-husband it’s just a no, but after reading everything I see you clearly love him and he loves you so that makes things different.
talk to your sister about it all first, expect her not to be impressed (most sisters definitely wouldn’t be!) and tell her the truth like you have here - it’s up to her how she reacts and takes it but I wouldn’t rush to tell everyone straight away, I’d let her come to terms with it first.
for the wider family I wouldn’t really care too much what they think as it won’t directly effect them. With any luck your sister will come around and be ok about it all - but probably will be awkward the first few family get togethers!

I think that given your ages and how you’ve had a few unsuccessful relationships on the past, I’d deffo give this a go now - you’re already a year in! I think the “selfish” part on your behalf passed when you slept with him the first time and didn’t walk away, after which means that clearly there is more to it than just casual sex so I wouldn’t find you selfish now. hopefully your sister will see the happy and positive side too all of this. As she’s got 3 children now with her current husband they must have divorced a while ago so hopefully the dust has settled and she’ll be ok with it. I see his point of not wanting to be a secret anymore! This was always going to be the hard part but once your sister knows you’ll probably feel much calmer about it all .

I would never have entertained sleeping with him. I would never wish to be in your situation risking the precious relationship between me and my sister.

Consider three things ..

You need to be certain that this man would never ever discuss his sexual or personal relationship with your sister, with you.

You need to be certain that your sister is happy about you going out with him. Only speaking honestly and privately with her will you find out. Her husband, also, might be icked out having her ex at all family celebrations. They both have to be happy.

Lastly, if she gives her blessing, you can never discuss your relationship with your partner, with your sister. That would be so creepily uncomfortable.

Did you persue him because you don't like to commit? Was he someone with whom a long term relationship seemed inappropriate?

Given how they split up, and that she's moved on, married and has kids, I don't see a huge issue with your relationship.
As a sister, I think I'd be more hurt that you'd hidden it from me, for a year.
Regardless of whether you stay with him, or don't; you need to talk to your sister about it. I wouldn't try to predict or preempt her responses, let her "react" in whatever way she sees fit. That might not be pretty, and she will likely say things that will upset you; but just let her "react", don't try and justify yourself, or over apologise. You can talk to her again, after the first shock has worn off. I hope it works out for all of you, but be prepared for it not to.
You need to tell her. Even if after reading this thread, you decided to leave him; you would grow to resent her for something that is not her fault, and you will hurt her because she won't understand "why".

At the end of the day, it’s your choice. I think you do need to tell your sister and family about him before they hear it from anyone else. You can’t control how she and they feel about it, but you can’t control how you react to them.

This is your life and your future. I think you will always regret it and it could make you resentful to your sister if you walk away because of “how it looks”. Why put everyone else’s feelings above your own? If you are lucky enough to have found The One then go for it.

Ok, do here is my take, forget that he is your ex BIL for a second.

your relationship is lovely as it is happening in a vacuum. No interferences, no judgements just the Disney version.

Once you add on all the complications of families, in a ‘regular’ relationship, that’s when you can find the fault lines and stressors.

You are going to have that, but on Steroids,

Are you willing to, potentially, lose the support of some/all of your family for what they see as questionable moral judgement, or just straight up bad choices?

is this relationship the hill you want to die on? Honestly, I think you need to talk to a therapist someone with no skin in the game, to get the pros and cons, and potential fall out of this relationship straight in your head, before you proceed any further. You need to be fair to you and this man.
It may be that you are both willing to walk through any storm and face it together, come what may. But get therapy and figure it out first. Don’t just hope it will sort itself out.

This sounds like a recipe for disaster down the line. It may seem surmountable when you are in the first throes of love but this man has been so intimate with your sister. He knows her hopes and dreams. He knows her deepest fears and her secrets. You also know your sister intimately but in a different way. It’s not just you and your sister in this dynamic.
How is her DH going to feel knowing that his BIL or BIL to be has been so intimate with his wife. When her children are older, they are going to find it difficult too. They will be teased at school. It’s going to be hard for your parents who built a relationship with this man as their SIL, then no doubt supported their daughter through divorce, knowing she wanted the marriage to work. They may have had reservations from the start or by the time the divorce was finalised.
Now they have to rewelcome this man as a new SIL for their other daughter, with all the associated baggage. Whatever you believe, there will be lingering doubts about your feelings for this man when he was married to your sister. Or about his feelings for you. There will be questions about motives. Could he be using you to get back at her? Even if not, that is going to be a suspicion. You’ve now told your sister so Pandora’s box is already open. You can never go back to how you were and your relationship with her will never be the same again, even if you walk away from this. Whatever she says, I expect she will be wary about what she shares with you going forward.
These issues will be magnified when your relationship comes under strain, as all marriages do. When you have DC, biological or adopted, your DC may have great difficulties processing the fact that their DF used to be married to their aunt, their cousins’ mother.
Whatever happens to this relationship, you have now outed yourself to your family as someone who puts your own desires ahead of the comfort and wellbeing of your nearest and dearest. You may never be fully trusted by them again. Only you know if that is worth it.
of course socially questionable relationships can survive, look at the Macrons, but the rumours and doubts don’t ever really go away. And heaven help them if any of her children or your children end up with a career in the public eye. I’m sorry to be so harsh OP but your entire family are going to pay a high price for you crossing this boundary. The relationship is already bogged down with considerable baggage.

You should never have slept with him. If I was your sister I’d be so so hurry- no loyalty to her whatsoever.

Some of the comments in here are absolutely absurd in their hysterical judginess.

If you'd had an affair with him when she was married to him, then yes, you'd deserve all the opprobrium and more.

But she was briefly married to a man she happily accepts she was incompatible with, had no kids and got amicably divorced years ago. She moved on and has a family now.

Then you met him.

Who is being hurt here?

No one.

If your sister is happy for you, that's all you need. Get on and be happy with him and ignore the vitriolic nonsense on here.

You need to talk to your sister.
Chemically, it makes a lot of sense, you probably have a similar chemical imprint to your sister, so makes sense you’d find each other attractive.
But you risk losing your whole family, while he risks nothing.
The time to stop this was that first evening before you slept with him. It’s going to be hard for your sister to get her head around that betrayal, and a subsequent year of not telling her the truth.
Only do this if you are 100 percent sure this is marriage, kids and forever. You don’t want to risk losing your sister and family for anything less.

Go for it! You often only get one chance at love and there doesn’t seem to be any reason not to proceed, unless he treated your sister badly ie was abusive, but doesn’t sound like that’s the case here.

If you were my sister and ex husband (who I don’t hate, but we split for good reasons) I’d be thinking bloody hell, good luck to you!

It sounds like your sister is very happy with the life she went on to lead, so provided everyone can be trusted to behave at family events (my ex probably couldn’t…) then chances are it will be okay, at least as far as your sister is concerned.

People who would view it as the ultimate betrayal presumably still have tangled feelings about their exes, which is totally valid, but not a given. It is possible for people to genuinely move on emotionally.

Eh? someone you called mum...so was that a close friend/relative you called 'mum' in a jokey way who then got together with your ex husband?

I think a lot of people on here have just jumped straight to ‘you can’t have a future with your sisters ex husband’ which, on the face of it, doesn’t look good. However in the circumstances you describe (no kids, seven years since the split, not a particularly acrimonious split, no abuse, and sister has long since moved on remarried and has kids) I think it might be ok.
The best thing you can do is talk to your sister and see how she feels about it. She might be fine with it off the bat. She might freak out initially but be ok after she’s had time and space to mull it over which of course you will give her.
She might never be ok with it.
She might say she’s ok with it because she cares about you, but isn’t actually.
Before you speak to her, you need to have a clear idea in your mind of what you’ll do if she isn’t ok with it. Will you break up with him? Or will you persevere with the relationship on the understanding that you might lose the relationship with your sister forever.
Neither of those outcomes is necessarily ‘wrong’ and whatever you choose will depend on how close you are, how likely you think it is that she’ll eventually come around. For what it’s worth, I think she’d be wrong to object to it. On what basis could she? Unless he did something horribly wrong and this could be seen as you siding with him, she hasn’t really got any reason to object.
She might feel awkward about it, and that’s ok, but she hasn’t really got any reason not to give you her blessing. If she withdraws the relationship, that’s kinda her choice.

Reading all your posts I’m now thinking it’s made up.

Your sister sounds very special and generous.

I would give her that time to adjust, and for her husband to adjust too, before you do family occasions.

This is a huge win for you.
Give her time and space.
She absolutely deserves it.

A lot of people would genuinely be appalled at this, so you have lucked out with your sister.

Good luck.

I think its disingenuous to say you'll stop if she makes you. If you were going to stop you'd have done it a long time ago, you're just putting it on someone else.

Oh fuck off to everyone who suddenly decided to join the moral police! It’s not something I’d ever do or hope my sisters would do but the fact is- it’s happened!!! Your sister’s so far given you a lukewarm go ahead message and isn’t getting her knickers in a twist like most people on here. I hope it works out OP and your story does become family lore as a “strange but true and it was all okay in the end” vs the drama someone people are spouting on here.

please come back and update those of us who’re rooting for you.

All the people on the planet and you shacked up with your sisters ex!! Shouldn't have slept with him in the first place. Is he worth losing your whole family for? How will you feel if he leaves you and you have no one? Wild behaviour.

Crack on, but don't expect any of your family to pretend to be ok with it.

Imagine your ex being brought back into your lives, and your kids (as.the dad they could have had). He and your sister obviously had enough love and problems to marry and divorce.

Basically.be prepared to lose contact with your necessary and nephews and for your future kids not to have a relationship with their cousins.

I'm sure your parents will love the drama of every future Christmas and your sister will love the pressure of.feeling like she has to be accepting for the sake of family harmony.

Basically you'll be destroying your family for a man.

You didn’t even read the OP. Totally irrelevant in this case!! Don’t project your problems onto others.

Absolutely not. That’s too weird and he’s a lot older than you. Just remember why your sister split up with him. You don’t want her cast offs. Find someone your own age, you’ll be better off later down the line (speaking from age gap experience).

I haven’t even read the full thread. I found out last year someone I had called mum for TWENTY FIVE YEARS was sleeping with my ex husband. My daughter called her Nanna. The pain and stress it caused is immeasurable and I will never ever forgive them. Of all the men in the world you had to pick someone you once called a brother in law. You’re both disgusting