What to do about 4 year olds behaviour

Same boat here. Our first child was basically an angel... the second? Wow 😂 He’s nearly 5 now and we still have really difficult days/moments, but we can calm him down much quicker than we used to, so his emotional regulation is definitely improving.
His biggest triggers are hunger and tiredness, but we’ve also noticed he’s always worse if he’s had TV that day. Screens really do seem to have a noticeable impact for him.

Things that have helped us are ofc setting and sticking to firm boundaries, and being really clear with, "What you're feeling is okay, but X isn't." Having the other parent (or anyone else) tag in/take over when things are escalating, it often diffuses the situation. Big, over-the-top distractions. A dramatic "OMG, is that a spider?!" has worked surprisingly well more than once! Knowing when to sit with them while they work through the big feelings, and when to step back. If he's shouting or hitting and clearly not ready to calm down, I'll say something like, "I'll be over here when you're ready." Sometimes continuing to engage just adds fuel to the fire, and if I can feel myself getting triggered too, walking away is the better option.

Also, the comments saying "just don't take them to the shops" aren't that helpful. It's not always practical to leave them at home, and they're children, not animals, we can't just avoid taking them out because they're having a hard phase.

A few thoughts re supermarket shopping... you might need to start with a few bits then a bigger shop, building up to a big trolley. Give her a job. She can't read yet so give her a visual list of things to get. Just draw a few pictures on a piece of paper. 4 apples, 2 bananas, 1 juice etc. Maybe bring a little carrier bag or basket so she can get them independently. Make up little tasks, 'i don't know if this is the aisle with biscuits, could you go up and down and see if there are any biscuits', then thank her for her help. Don't ever go if she is hungry or tired. Someone told me once that part of tantrums in supermarkets are from temperature changes. I find this even myself, I get stressed. I'm cold in one aisle, then ok again. then too hot when packing up. Now I bring an extra layer and take it on and off and I find the whole thing much easier. That could be a factor to explore.

Just came to say that my 4 year old
had the mother of all tantrums yesterday in a supermarket. It didn’t help that she wanted everything that she saw and did not take kindly to being told “no!”. She screamed on the floor, she shouted, she cried “this is allllll your faullllllttttt!” A lovely fellow Mum put my shopping through the checkout while I dealt with my little one screaming on the floor. I heard other people in the queue saying “she’s being so patient with her”, and although I was mortified, it felt good to hear that! I think the main thing is holding the boundary no matter what the tantrum looks like, and realising that it’s a phase. Staying calm is the most important thing and helping your wee one to regulate. My girl is usually lovely, and 9 times out of 10 this wouldn’t happen, but tantrums at this age are part of growing up and testing boundaries (and my resolve!) Supermarkets are so bright and overstimulating, I think this contributes. But ultimately sometimes I need shopping and it has to be done.

You’re not alone!

We had a friend whose DD was badly behaved in shoe shops at 8! There’s no definite age when dc improve and this upset was out of the blue but DDs start noticing things like shoes at school. I has an issue with one DD at a similar age - over shoes! DD2 was at a prep school that specified shoes with the uniform. Wonderful solution! So prepare for shoe arguments! In the meantime just do essential shopping when she’s with you. Introduce her to not touching things - although breakable things at child level is a red flag! Both for the shop and you.

Stop taking her into shops

Why are you taking a FOUR year old shopping - BORING!!!! No 4 year old ‘behaves’ well when taken shopping.

We were in exactly this positon 1yr ago with my DD1 and you'll be pleased to hear she's mostly back to her old self now. Read up on the limbic leap - there are massive brain changes going on in their heads at this age and combined with the moving to school, it does all sorts of funny things to them. It does improve!

Sorry OP but I'm another who's going to say that if the shopping assistant had to tell your child off then you are not adequately parenting whether you're authoritarian/gentle/somewhere in between. If the chips are down then you leave the shop with your child tucked under your arm if needed. You don't leave a stranger to do your job. As somebody who works with the public I can tell you that we absolutely wouldn't call a child out like this unless we really feel like we have to....

🤣🤣🤣

She's 4 years old - get a grip. You're the adult here and she is a tiny human being whose pre frontal cortex hasn't fully developed. She's not difficult, you're incompetent. Start meeting her needs and cut her some slack.

Exactly what I was thinking

This will pass Has anything happened? Has she been to visit her new school or anything similar. Explain the consequences fine but not while she's in a rage it won't go in.

I have to grit my teeth to take my 8 yr old ina. Supermarket. Gets overstimulated even now. My 4 yr old happily pushes a trolley beside me, my point being you're doing nothing wrong. Some kids manage supermarkets some really dont

Goodness why would you think she was going to assault the child?

Also you can practice "no" at home. So you can start a game like : " find the chair and touch it! "
" Time to stop! "
You can hide your face with your hands and peek out t o see if she pulls her hand back!
Smile, laugh, clap or sing her a happy song as a reward .
Then try the next thing eg " find the cushion. Pick it up. " And then "time to put it down!"
See if she does. !
(repeat clap, sing, smile, laugh)
Then onto the next task.
She will be learning to respond to you.
I know these arent brilliant examples but you get the gist, I hope.

I really don’t think dc get the “consequences” mantra. It’s like “wait until your father gets home” - waiting for a consequence is not immediate and has no effect on behaviour.

I rarely took dc into shops at this age. Conflict avoidance. Don’t give her the opportunity to want something and then behave badly. Do something else with your time and shop when DH can look after DD. Makes life so much easier. 4 year olds are rarely great in shops and they don’t need to shop.

It is. I'd say give her grace, watch for her needing more quiet time, more cuddles etc and try to ensure she has time to regulate. The laughing when told off bit is something a lot of kids do when embarrassed and in trouble, they have a strong emotion and comesout as laughter instead of crying

Just suddenly thought to say please dont be tempted to slap her.
She is just a little being still trying to understand the basic routines of life.
Tantrums is a regression but it is not deviant and slapping will not help.
People may 'tut' at you but so what.
Maybe you could establish a little reward system for shopping.
Eg. You can have a drink now or an ice pole.
Once she is used to the routine she will expect it and adjust.
Tantrums and melt downs are not a reflection of your parenting.
They are just an of overload on the childs capacity to understand.
Be very clear using easy phrases for the child. "Time to go now!"
For everything that has to end!
Keep it really simple.

Do you need to take her to the shops? If that is currently setting her off, I would avoid where possible. Please don't be embarrassed by tantrums, we have all been there! As it has been a sudden change it seems likely that something has changed, which could be school, excessive heat or something else entirely. Try and keep things calm for a.whole to see if it helps.

I had this with my DD. My elder one was an absolute dream, barely any trouble at all, and then DD2 hit 4 and oh my gosh, all hell broke loose 😅

I kept up all the firm boundaries, I did reward charts and visual routines and behaviour expectations before literally any outing or task or transition. Bumping up the amount of food I gave her helped, because although she was a fussy eater at the time she did get hungrier due to growth spurts. So just more volume of the "safe" foods. Journaling also helped for a bit - one of those kids' Happy Self ones.

I think the only thing that really made a big difference though was time! Good luck 🤞

This really - I cannot emphasise enough how important it is to never make a threat you aren't prepared to carry out. All children should have the security that comes from knowing where the limits/boundaries are. Once they realise you mean it and will absolutely follow through, things usually change.

keep an eye on everything else though just in case there's something else going on.