What to do about 4 year olds behaviour

This comment isnt intended to patronise - but why don't you do an online grocery shop. I rarely ever going into a shop these days.

Can you use alternatives to no?

Thats a nice idea, but we can’t right now.

Maybe next time/later?

Distraction- that sounds lovely, but I have another great idea!

Oooh- let’s talk about that!

You can't talk them down once melting down. You just need to get them calm then work on teaching once calm. This weekend has been batshit. I've had to do 'time ins' which are like a time out but basically setting an alarm and having them sit with you to regulate, my kids hate it but it's the only thing that brings them round from the crazy naughty not listening madness and restores sanity enough to move forward.

I thought the same when I read that comment. So many grim little know-it-alls popping up on Mumsnet.

You're right, I should have - I apologise, I was having a bad evening and lost the plot at the wrong person. I'm a huge advocate for gentle (not permissive) parenting. My biggest breakthrough was when I stopped seeing my relationship with my little ones as adversarial. Kids don't test boundaries out of malice (even though it feels like that sometimes) they are asking for guidance, structure and understanding. It's hard for both of you when you have to maintain boundaries and there will probably be tears and big feelings but entering into a partnership with clear open communication and mutual respect now will pay dividends in the future. I also wanted to say, don't worry about 'performing good parenting' for people when you're out in public - if people don't like the way your child is acting or the way you're dealing with it, they need to do one. Good luck, it does get easier as they get older.

Taking away rewards isn't a good move. A different sanction would have been better. It's not surprising she had a meltdown, all the good was undone when you threatened to take the reward back.
4 is still very young, praise and sanctions needs to be instant. Most 4 year olds aren't going to behave perfectly for the whole day.

Sorry, just matching the level of ridiculousness!

You should have manoeuvred yourself in the shop so your dd was in eye line. That was avoidable.

Being consistent and fair is the best way forward. Explanations are sometimes the way forward and sometimes it’s needed to just say ‘no’ or ‘stop that’.

Very adult of you👍🏼

Children don't have tantrums

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Probably developmental. My DS was like this around this age; he’d get so suddenly giddy and outside of himself it was like he was drunk.

He’s growing out of it but still has his moments. It’s within the realms of normal for many children, especially if they’ve started school or are overtired near the end of term. My DS does have ADHD however…

Also @bodgejob4 , if it makes you feel better, the other night mine told me “I only like ice lollies and biscuits - not you or daddy.”

Ohhh we are struggling with our son and I’ve been wondering whether it’s the looming school transition that’s triggering some of it. I wouldn’t have ever called him biddable, but the behaviour has been so challenging lately. Lots of boundary pushing and deliberate naughtiness escalating to meltdowns. It’s been really challenging!

@bodgejob4 like you we have chats in the morning about being a team and family, which means listening and helping each other out, but it feels like once he gets started there’s no talking him down. He’s definitely not reward or consequences oriented, it’s all about the here and now.

There is no need to be so hostile and please don't call me names. Children don't have tantrums, they have big feelings which they don't have the capacity to deal with on their own. They are not 'acting out' they are expressing a need. Parents should be helping them to understand and regulate those feelings and attend to those needs. Your child is not the enemy and they are not able to behave in the way you want them to without your help.

Solidarity OP. We're having a tough time with our 4-year-old too.

@bodgejob4 she sounds a lot like my DD who is now 10 and still rather "spirited".

Just give clear instructions and expectations and stay calm. When they play up just speak with a firm voice and explain what they have done wrong.

Make sure she gets plenty of attention when she is doing the right thing.

Watch some Supernanny videos!!

My DD will still play up and have tantrums (she hates being told no) but is much better at calming down now. We just tell her no once and ignore any bad behaviour as long as it isn't affecting others. She gets bored of being ignored and then apologises!

4 year olds are learning what boundaries can be pushed and some are much less accepting than others!

When out and about she has to hold your hand all the time. No if or buts. Or hold the trolley. It’s non negotiable.
Also shopping is too much for some children. I tried to do it as little as possible with mine.

I get that, but I think it can also depend on where you live e.g. when I’ve lived in towns whereby you go everywhere in the car, shopping becomes more of a pre planned activity, but living in the city and not using a car means that a lot of the shopping we do is in passing - so if we’re already out, I’ll nip in to the shops to pick up some bits for dinner or to buy milk - can’t avoid it if you’re already out with the kids! Let alone if you’re a single parent or other half does shift patterns etc.

@Blossomtop You usually have a DH around in the evening and weekend (or shift patterns making times different) but I mostly avoided shopping with dc. DH had them while I zoomed to the supermarket. They open late! I went to more specialist shops and hairdressers at weekend or when dc at nursery. Most of us don’t take 4 year olds shopping if there’s an alternative. We never went family shopping with dc at that age. Just no need with on line shopping. It just takes a bit of organisation.