AIBU to question whether my husband's behaviour is normal postnatally?

He sounds totally lacking in empathy. What was he like before the baby?

Is it normal when I had to take him to the hospital he drove in a seperate car so he could get home?

I see, I read it as you taking your partmer to the hospital rather than the baby. Yeah, it's still a shit show. Did he have any interest in having a baby?

My first husband was a very junior doctor when our first DS was born. He worked incredibly long hours and was studying but was still such a hands on dad. He adored our son and would have done anything for him. I offered separate rooms but he refused. I felt cared for and loved. Do you feel like that OP because you should x

My thoughts too.
He sounds a selfish twat and I think OP probably knows that.

I understand not wanting to go to the shop with a baby especially if you have a husband who could quite easily go for you. OP your husband is a twat. My DH would never have put us in a situation where there was almost no formula left. I remember one morning him going to a Tesco at 6am to get some formula and bottle teats Even though he had to be at work for 7am and he didn't drive. Sounds like your husband expects nothing in his life to change and expects you to do everything. Think carefully about how you want life to look going forward. You're supposed to be a family

Based on a trillion Mumsnet threads/posts yes, all this is very normal. Seems all too standard for the mums life to change beyond recognition whilst the dad maintains a huge amount of his routine/life before the baby arrived.

Acceptable on the other hand, not in the slightest.

Many families it seems the father figure never has the time with the baby that the mum has (the relentless day in day out it's all on you stuff) so have zero understanding of why you may not have gotten to the shops that day, why you need a break when he gets back from work, how utterly debilitating it is to be sleep deprived....many more examples but you get the gist. It's infuriating that it seems to require spelling out multiple times, but does seem the families who cope the best are the ones where the stay at home parent communicates their needs often and with feeling.

He sounds incredibly selfish. Is that normal? Well, there seem to be awful lot of men around who just carry on as if they have no extra responsibilities when they become parents…so depressingly, maybe it is?

Did he do anyshopping, cooking, housework etc. before you had a baby?

Was he caring and did he prioritise you before??

Has he changed since the baby was born, or was he a selfish arse you thought might change?

Not normal or acceptable. OP what was he like before the birth of your child? Is it your first child? What was he like during your pregnancy? Is there any chance he is struggling and depressed? Either way id speak to him and get him to talk. If he's just being useless and selfish I doubt anything would change in which case you need to ask yourself if you are prepared for two babies instead of one.

The only thing that is remotely normal is sleeping in separate rooms. My DH and I did this so that at least one of us got some sleep and I was BF so made sense for it to be me.

BUT he used that energy to give me a break whenever he could. Told me to go back to bed on the weekends, take naps and only woke me to feed the baby. Did all grocery shopping. Didn’t go back to his hobby until o was feeling more human and encouraged me to go back to my hobby as soon as possible.

This is his baby too!!!! Sounds like he is working 8 hours a day and yuh are working 24 hours a day. This is not fair. You need to read him the riot act! And ask your Mum and MIL (and father/FIL) to give you a hand occasionally. That should shame him into meeting his parental responsibilities. Hopefully they will ask him, why aren’t you doing XYZ. There’s a risk he just thinks he has three women skivvying for him!

You’ve described my oldest son. He has a one year old and a one month old. His partner is very capable but he’d just rather be with them doing his bit

No it's not normal OP other than among really shitty men who don't care about supporting their wife or child.

My husband dropped his hobbies for a few months until we felt like we were in a routine where I could easily cope alone

He said it was hard work looking after a baby so not to worry about housework and chores in the early days, he did everything after work and weekends until the baby was older and I was naturally getting more breaks

He would check in that I was OK before he arranged anything evenings or weekends because he was an equal parent and realised that when he was away, my workload increased and it wasn't fair to put that on me

We did sleep separately as I was breastfeeding. But sometimes the baby would go in with him and he would do the changing, and settling and literally just bring the baby for a feed then take them away and burp them etc

Your husband is meant to be an equal parent and doing half of everything out of work time.

I think she means when she went to hospital to have the baby

How much parenting does he do? What household chores?

Is it normal for the husband to sleep in a separate room every night? - yes it can be. My DP mostly did, he snores terribly sometimes and I found it deeply irritating when I was up feeding baby and trying to get back to sleep.

Is it normal for me to settle the baby and sleep in this separate room and wake up to an empty house whilst he has gone to work? - normal for you to settle the baby, but not normal for him to go off to work without speaking to you. Unless he has to leave very early??

Is it normal for him to play golf every weekend? - that's not fair on you. When do you get the same amount of leisure time?

Is it normal for me to have to pay to get groceries delivered otherwise there would be no food or baby milk in the house? Well, I would normally have done the online food shop and arranged delivery and carried on doing that whilst I was on maternity leave. But if you mean that he knew that you hadn't got round to doing it and didn't care enough to sort it out, then that's not ok.

Is it normal when I had to take him to the hospital he drove in a separate car so he could get home? No, that's just selfish and inconsiderate. It also shows that he really doesn't view himself as a parent, sadly, in my opinion. He was just waiting until he could leave and leave you to it.

Is it normal he goes to bed when I am up tending to a feverish child? - it could be, if that's what had been agreed. But if you mean that you were massively sleep deprived and he didn't care about that at all, then no.

Is it normal he goes to the health club after work instead of coming home to help me? - no, that's not on either. When do you get the same amount of leisure time? It isn't "helping" either, it's doing his fair share of parenting, which he doesn't seem to think applies to him.

He doesn't seem to think that he is equally responsible for parenting and caring for your shared baby. I would be asking him why he thinks what he is doing is ok, because it's definitely not.

Pick your battles, you've started with the most normal things that many happy couples do to maximise sleep (separate rooms and going to work without waking/disturbing you to allow you more sleep. I also don't understand how you can't get shopping yourself, if you have two cars for the hospital run.

The golf every weekend, health club after work and not bothering to stay in touch are the battles to pick - he's not acting like a parent at all. Have you triee asking him to help, saying you need a break and asking him to settle a feverish child? There's a difference between unaware and unwilling, if there's a little chance he's just unaware if want to see if I could manage it. It's more likely he's selfish though, so decide what you want, irrespective of normal, and what your red lines are.

We did sleep in separate rooms so Dh could get a decent nights sleep for work. Also, I’d rather be left to sleep in and not disturbed when dh got up for work.

Regarding shopping, who did the shopping before baby was born. I don’t see that as a problem for you to order the food, although he could check to see if there’s anything needed he could get in way from work.

However, he shouldn’t get out all day, and should prioritise you bc over a feverish child. I don’t think it’s wrong for dp’s to continue with hobbies, but it’s a bit different playing badminton for a couple of hours once a week, to being out a lot.

I can only speak from my own experience of my husband and my own father and no its not normal, how was he during the pregnancy? My dB slept in separate room and carried on a bit weird left the hospital while his wife was giving birth I found this out later from his wife and I was disgusted. If its any consolation he is a good father now but tbh I think his wife wanted kids and he really wasn't bothered either way. It made me view him differently he was always great with my kids , I couldn't wrap my head around it.

Some things will be normal for some people. There wasn’t online grocery shopping when I had my babies so I did it all in person. I was on mat leave and had the time. DH slept in the baby’s room for the first few months as I was BF and got more sleep having baby in with me. DH was on chronic pain meds so it wasn’t safe for him to cosleep. I’d stay up with a sick baby as I was on mat leave and didn’t need to work the next day. Plus I was the only one who could do the feeding. This all changed when I went back to work though.

The rest isn’t reasonable at all. Is this new behaviour since the baby was born? As is often said on these posts you should be getting equal leisure time.

He doesn’t seem to care about you or the baby. What was he like when you were pregnant?

Why did he want a kid?

Believe his actions and words, this man doesn't like you.
Plan your future accordingly.

Sounds like you genuinely never see him, are you basically ships in the night?

We slept in separate rooms for about 6 months after DS arrived, but the main point of this was we took shifts so that neither of us went mad from sleep deprivation. Also we talked about it all, nobody just fucked off to another room. And if the baby was unwell, the other one would always always get up to help, that was a given!

Your husband sounds really disengaged from this baby. How was your relationship before the baby arrived? Does he work a phenomenally stressful job with long hours? It all sounds a bit miserable, you really do need to sit him down and have it out with him. If his plan is to let you feel like a single parent then really you may as well be one.

The only "normal" thing perhaps is separate rooms. The rest is only normal if he's a raging arsehole. I'm sorry you're in a place where you even have to ask this question.

Combined, it’s clearly unacceptable behaviour. What did he do before the baby arrived / the pregnancy?

Is there anyone he would listen to, if not you? Would his mum be supportive?