Assaulted by doubles partner - would you take further?

I’d send him this thread

I think you have given him a verbal warning, understandably you are upset.
If you want to take this further and want there to be consequences for his actions, then report him to the club, hopefully he'll receive some kind of warning from the club.
If it happens again, then report to the police.

I agree with this. Quietly with dignity.
Husband to just tell him to “ keep his hands to himself.” Nothing more, don’t elaborate. No drama.

If the chap kicks off or starts making excuses, is rude, just turn & walk away. Your husband will have made his point.

I think for me personally it would depend on specifics of how he reacted, that isn’t clear to me fully from the opening post.

If the “sorry” was with eye rolls and the rest of words were justification of why it was ok (implying you’re overreacting) that is one thing. If he looked mortified when he apologised and the explanation was more “this was why but I can see how that was inappropriate and I won’t be doing this to anyone again” that would be different to me.

Stuff the poll result - the fact of the matter is that you were shocked, upset, and made to feel deeply uncomfortable by another member of this club, to the point that when you got home you broke down and cried about it.

Women are socially conditioned shrug off all sorts of uncomfortable, intimidating and upsetting feelings just to keep the peace and not make a fuss, and right now you probably feel rather confused and deeply conflicted. Your feelings (shock, surprise, embarrassment, etc.) are valid and they are very real for you, but you're doubting yourself because of the mountain/molehill societal response.

If you want to so "something" but are worried about making a big public fuss or involving the police, are you able to find a middle way that makes you feel reassured ?

In your place, I think that I might contact the club, tell them what happened and how it made you feel, and ask if they have any guidance or rules of conduct. If so, is there anyone in a position of club authority who could speak to the man about his behaviour? Would you like to request an in-person or a written apology, if that would make you feel better and recognise that his behaviour had an impact on you? Would you like the club leadership to create some form of behaviour guidance, or highlight/publicise the existing rules? Give yourself a bit of time and ask yourself what might make you feel seen, and make you feel reassured going back to the same club.

Club behaviour is influenced by culture. I am a member of a rather raucous university-style sports club (none of us are that young) where there used to be a lot of bum-slapping and "come sit on my knee" (vom) but the culture of my group has changed remarkably in the last 5 years. A female leader set out behavioural guidelines, the whole leadership publicised the rules, and they have been publicly upheld if anyone's behaviour fell outside of the expected norms: people have been spoken to, asked to sit out for 3 sessions or more, been uninvited from group events or been removed from social media accounts/WhatsApp groups if the behaviour is persistent.

OK - I was a teen/young adult in the days when I literally couldn't stand at a bar without having my arse felt. So many times a night,as we did "pub crawls" in those days. Even if my boyfriend was standing beside me. If you were young then, and attracted attention, you'll know I am not exaggerating. So "I broke down" sounds ridiculous to me.
BUT - the world has thankfully moved on. We no longer accept this behaviour. Your response at the time was fabulous OP. He won't risk doing that to you again, and it might make him think generally.
A word with the club seems appropriate. A review and reminder if club rules and safeguarding procedures also seems appropriate.
I wouldn't be informing police.

The point being - OP was playing a sport with this guy, she doesn't like it, she spoke up for herself and told him not to do it again, he apologised.

If he does do it again knowing it's not something OP wants to participate in, I think that's when you start considering reporting him to the club and refusing to partner with him etc.

It's nonsense to say that no guy would stand for such behaviour and a butt slap would result in a black eye - it's very common in sport. I see it happen literally all the time at the touchlines in football and rugby, where men pat or slap each others bums, both in school level and you see it on telly too. It's very definitely a thing.

https://medium.com/mel-magazine/a-cultural-history-of-butt-slapping-in-sports-249e7d7795e1

https://discover.hubpages.com/sports/The-Unspoken-Rules-of-Butt-Slapping-in-Sports

https://www.reddit.com/r/explainlikeimfive/comments/1ycj9d/eli5_butt_slapping_in_sports_like_football_and/

I would mention it to the club and they can have a word with him about what is and is not appropriate.

I remember when I was young patting on the bum, flicking bra straps etc. were the norm and we just took it as our lot; but thankfully no more.

If you think he is otherwise OK as your posts seem to suggest, I think a word with the club will suffice - they do not want these things happening.

My point is that should the OP choose to report his behaviour to the club or the police then it is on him, not her.

for me it would very much depend on whether or not I believed his apology and explanation. Do you think he does it to male partners or do you think he was being a creep. If I believed him I would leave it at that if not I’d report him. To prove it as a sexual assault is harder than you think as you need to prove to touch is sexual and you already know he’s going to say it wasn’t a sexual thing. I’m not saying don’t report it if you think it was just that it’s not as cut and dry as slap on bottom is banged to rights in these circumstances. However if you do think he’s a creep then I would still report it, even if he didn’t get charged it would be there if anyone else made an allegation in the further to see a pattern of behaviour so any excuse wouldn’t really wash twice.

In a team sport, Person A does something prevalent in team sport; there is no suggestion it was sexual.

Person B tells Person A not to do it again. Person A apologises and doesn't do it again.

Person B later breaks down about it.

And no-one on here seems to think that that's what anyone who cares should actually be bothered about.

I would tell him in no uncertain terms that if he does it again you will be reporting to the club and police. Let him know this is sexual assault whether he means it or not. I would give the benefit of doubt for this one time. I bet he won't ever do it again. Hope you're OK.

Yes it's excessive you addressed it he apologised and explained himself . No need to go destroying who lives .

Are we back to the 1950s?

The OP seems perfectly able to handle this herself and report this man if she chooses to.

Personally I would be furious, would never play again with that man and would report his behaviour to the club so he gets an official warning.

Men like this test boundaries and will continue to behave in this way if they can get away with it.

So men do it to men, in men's sports. Not to women, because it's inappropriate.

Isn’t one of the things that has to be satisfied is that “the touching was sexual”? I’ve sat on a jury and done a sexual assault case. If the man says that he was doing a jubilant slapping that was “encouraging” then I don’t think it would be sexual touching.

i mean I’m not defending him, he’s a filthy fucking pig with no boundaries. But a sexual assault charge won’t be successful.

It's nonsense that he says he slaps men's bottoms too, unless you regularly see him with a black eye. No guy would stand for such behaviour and he wouldn't dare to do it. He knows it's inappropriate, he knows it's sexual assault else he wouldn't make that lame excuse. I would report him in writing to the club. For all you know they've already had complaints about him - and I would think this very likely - and just need enough evidence to ban him.

Hmmm, it may be so when both players are the same sex, but man on woman and even woman on man, it can have and will have for quite a few people, a sexual undertone. I think this man is taking advantage to actually grope a woman while hiding behind the "camaraderie" mask.

No. A disproportionate, crazy response to an ill judged action resulting in blowing up his or anyone else’s life is completely ridiculous
He screwed up, got called out and immediately apologised. Has never given cause for worry previously.
Whilst he was undoubtedly wrong, the men haters on here are pushing their agenda as usual

Id maybe have a quiet word at the club at most.

I agree with this.

I’m sorry you felt uncomfortable but I genuinely think he just saw you as one of his team mates and forgot himself.

You told him not to do it again and he didn’t.

I’m not sure what further action you want that you think reporting him would solve?

I wouldn’t report to the police .. if you report to the club he will be kicked out most likely. Really depends on how far you want to take it.

I think what you have to work out was there intent there or not
it does sound completely plausible that the explanation he gave was genuine
upto you if you believe that or not

It’s a common thing to do in Sport. Op told him she found it unacceptable. He apologised.

I think you did exactly the right thing - you didn't accept it silently, you pulled him up on it straight away, he apologised. If you wanted to take it further I think I'd say to him very clearly that if he ever touches you again you'll be reporting him to the club.

Reporting to the police is total overkill, it won't go anywhere and will be wasting his time and yours.