AIBU to wish my toddler wasn’t so independent

Don’t take what you’ve read online to mean your child fits into that. He’s very young still and he will change.
My son didn’t care when I left him with grandparents and didn’t really notice when I came back - but he was having a great time with people he loved, so I wouldn’t really expect him to be overjoyed at me returning!
It can be upsetting when your baby isn’t cuddly, but what he’s like at this age is not necessarily a reflection of what he’s going to be like when he’s older, or even in just a years time.
Like I said before, he’s nearly 3.5 now and is very different to what he was like when he was 2 and didn’t want affection.
Just yesterday he gave me a flower and told me I looked pretty. He likes me or my husband to cuddle him in his bed before he sleeps now, which he never wanted when he was younger. He will randomly give kisses and cuddles. If you keep giving him hugs, kisses, affection etc then he’ll know they’re just a normal part of your family life and will be more likely to reciprocate as he gets older.
Please don’t think you’ve done anything wrong or don’t have a bond with him. He’s just an independent guy and there will be times when you really appreciate that trait in him.
I was thinking about my younger brothers in relation to this as well - the one who was more cuddly and clingy as a toddler has grown into an adult who hates physical affection now. But the one who was a bit more independent will happily give my parents hugs as an adult. You son will keep changing as he gets older. He’ll go through phases of loving affection and probably phases where he’ll find cuddling his mum embarrassing!

You haven't done anything wrong! Children are all unique and he's obviously very happy and confident. What would he do if he was scared or he hurt himself? And I echo what a previous post said about looking for whether he shows joint attention, i.e. points at things he wants or wants you to look at.

My eldest was the same - walked into playgroup without looking back - I remember going out to walk the dog once when it was dark, and he just strode off across the playpark into pitch black and only stopped because I made him. He wasn't cuddly or kissy at all, didn't want me to hang around at bedtime (once he was sleeping through) - just wanted me to say night night and leave!

He's 15 now, and does come and kinda drape himself over me when he wanders through the kitchen, or reaches over and says 'pat pat' and pats my arm. But does generally maintain a distance - he like his personal space.

Youngest is of course the opposite, and wanted to be glued to me constantly, screamed every day going into playgroup, preferred to sit on my lap to watch TV until he was probably about 8 (basically when I was starting to get numb legs from it!)

Some kids just aren't touchy feely.

OP you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong; this is totally normal for some children. You do not need to get help or see a health visitor. Ignore those saying so, they are being ignorant.

this! Mine is similar to yours, same age. She has never been cuddly unless she wants breastfeeding. I reassure myself it shows a secure attachment. I can be hard but remember they are their own person with their own personality and you have to respect that. And also could change!

You spend all day with him HE KNOWS YOU ARE THERE. That’s why

To be honest this doesn't actually sound like a secure attachment. Securely attached children are confident to explore but use their caregiver as a safe base, checking they're still there and watching etc.
OP - your health visitor should be able to offer some support to develop the attachment, if that's something you would like.
Good luck

i was going to say sounds like secure attachment…

that said other less black and white forms of attachment can look like this and it’s how the child responds when you leave a room and return appears to be telling… lots of stuff on line about this.

Totally relate @Weareallreallytired- my DC were the same as babies and as a tactile and openly affectionate person, I felt really rejected. I still do somewhat but they’re older and now approach me for kisses and cuddles but I feel like I’ve switched off that side to me and sometimes am so rushed off my feet (lone parent) that I miss their cues… it makes me really sad.

edit: dc display traits of neurodivergence so it could be that…

This.

It makes life SO much easier when they are confident being away from you.
My eldest always trotted off to play / be involved with whatever was going on. I've always been able to drop him off to any new activity at the door, with a 'see you later'. Life has been SO much easier in that regard than others whose dc are clingy and lack confidence.

Oh, and he is more than happy to wrap me in a bear hug since he now towers over me.

You are wrong about parents thinking you are a bad parent. Any looks are envy from those struggling to detach themselves from their child.

I think he is maybe quite confident and interested in the other Mums! I know its upsetting for you ,but it shows that he is confident in his own skin,By all means speak to the HV. But often children that are like this may change ,and you may find he gets cuddlier as he gets older !

It’s a phase. My daughter was exactly like this, but now at 4 years old she’s wonderful company and is passed the running off and defiance stage and very affectionate.

I felt like you at the time, but he’ll grow out of it I promise x

I remember comparing my child to an ironing board, she never curved into me when holding if you know what I mean, she is nearly 5 and does enjoy snuggles, not sure when it changed

My daughter was exactly like this. She hated being held or cuddled as a baby and never fell asleep unless she was in her own cot with her own space. As a toddler she LOVED other people but I felt she could take or leave me 🤣 when she was 4 she asked if I could swap her with her cousin so she could go and live with her aunt, completely oblivious to the daggers that were piercing my heart!
She loved nursery, and the first day of school, no looking back at all.
She’s now 9 and honestly, we have the best relationship. She’s so funny and kind, and she cuddles me and tells me she loves me all the time. If she’s sitting next to me on the sofa she likes nothing better than snuggling up with a blanket, and she wants extra kisses and hugs at bedtime. She’s still very happy to go new places on her own without a second glance, but she’ll choose to give me a hug and kiss goodbye even though her friends don’t with their parents. The first thing she does when I pick her up from anywhere is give me the most beautiful smile and a hug. She still likes her aunt, but recognises now that she couldn’t live with her, she’s grateful for the freedom I let her have that her aunt wouldn’t give her!
Some children just like to be independent! Your time will come, just keep showering him with love whenever he allows it 🤣

Mine was this kid. Now a very independent, brave and intelligent teenager. I have always offered hugs and do now get them, more than other mums of teens.

ADHD so maybe sensory when she was little. In a world of kids too scared to do anything, be happy yours is adventurous.

My son wasn't very cuddly until he was about 3. He was breastfed and contact napped and we barely had him looked after by anyone else. Once the feeding and contact napping stopped and he went to nursery he became a lot more affectionate. He would come for a cuddle or tell me he loved me. I came to the conclusion that his cup must already have been full but when it wasn't he actually wanted some more affectionate. Could it be something like that?

My husband gets very little affection still though, I think that's because he asks for hugs and is a bit needy though. I'd say it's better to let them come to you!

It sounds to me like he has such a secure attachment to you that he know’s he can toddle off and explore and you will always be there for him. Well done mama! (That’s not a sarcastic well done but a genuine one!)

I had the complete opposite issue. I had a complete Velcro baby who would scream the moment she saw me. I couldn’t get 5 mins to myself, this kid wanted to be on my hip no matter who else was in the room. It was exhausting!

I had a toddler like this. He is a challenge to be sure (putting it mildly) but he is still very independent and has lots of friends, both these things are huge positives now!

He also confides in me in a very honest and unexpected way and loves to spend time chatting with me even tho he's 13 now. When he's not driving me up the wall, he's clever and entertaining and I have absolutely no doubt these days that he loves me very much, he even tells me that occasionally in his own way.

He actually on the autistic spectrum, I have no idea whether that is related but he manages life well. His siblings are the complete opposite of him in every single way.