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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to cancel a first date over his venue choice?

117 replies

TheLobsterClub · 02/07/2026 20:43

I think I’m going to cancel.

Meant to meet someone for the first time tomorrow, been talking for ages online but I’m not sure if there’s much of a spark so far. He wanted to meet in a soulless Costa coffee on the edge of town, which I’d never go in at the best of times. I suggested we meet in the town centre which is full of cute little independent coffee shops, bars, etc.

His response was that his ex wife works in the town and it would be awkward if he was seen on a date. I mean a few of my exes work in the town (it’s a small town after all) but the key differences are a) they’ll be at work during the day and b) I actually don’t care

It sounds to me like we can never go out in my home town? I feel like cancelling to be honest.

OP posts:

stargirl27 · 03/07/2026 09:17

I'd cancel. Not going to lie I wouldn't leave the house for a Costa Coffee. The ex wife thing is a red flag.

GoodGuessButNotRight · 03/07/2026 09:15

TheLobsterClub · 03/07/2026 09:08

Thanks everyone - confirming to me I think that I'm not being too hasty!

If they are married still then she doesn't appear on his Facebook anywhere, but I'm not exactly sure how recent the split was and I don't think I want to be tiptoeing around for anyone. His excuse was that 'she might pop out on her lunch break and see us' - except we hadn't even agreed a time to meet!

The Costa thing... I don't drink coffee when I'm out regardless but it wouldn't have been so bad if he wanted to meet in the town centre one... I don't really fancy a first date in a soulless retail park!

I don’t blame you. As they say ‘start as you mean to go on!’. This could be the start of a very dull relationship. Avoid!

Original poster

TheLobsterClub · 03/07/2026 09:08

Thanks everyone - confirming to me I think that I'm not being too hasty!

OP posts:

AirborneElephant · 03/07/2026 07:16

If he’s that worried about seeing his ex that he needs to hide, he’s really not ready to be dating yet. Swerve this one.

onmylastnerveseriously · 03/07/2026 07:12

I’d cancel for the costa suggestion alone!

crunchycrackers · 03/07/2026 06:57

I wonder if he is still married maybe they aren’t even separated? I would also cancel as something doesn’t sound right about this.

Frumpitydoo · 03/07/2026 06:35

The venue wouldn't bother me, tiptoeing round the ex would!

okayIwont · 03/07/2026 06:34

MummyMIH · 02/07/2026 23:41

Is it not difficult to know if there’s a spark until you’ve met in person?

Show quote history

Right? This is how people get catfished lol

Ohthisheat · 02/07/2026 23:43

Most likely she isn't his ex.

MummyMIH · 02/07/2026 23:41

SaraHoliday · 02/07/2026 21:00

How long is 'ages'? I'm not sure why you would meet someone that you're unsure if there's a spark with? I would think the spark is there or not at this point?

I can understand him asking to meet out of town though. He feels comfortable there under the circumstances he's explained. I don't see the problem on that.

Show quote history

Is it not difficult to know if there’s a spark until you’ve met in person?

Crispsandcola · 02/07/2026 23:37

Definitely cancel. He's either not over his ex or he's still married and hoping to cheat with you.

JustAnotherWhinger · 02/07/2026 23:34

I would cancel.

I’d have no issue with avoiding one specific place if it was his exes workplace but not the entire town centre. That’s just a red flag

GoodGuessButNotRight · 02/07/2026 23:29

Oh god, yes cancel @TheLobsterClub . Costa, for heaven’s sake!

SevenYellowHammers · 02/07/2026 22:14

MrsWalker2025 · 02/07/2026 20:44

No I wouldn’t go either, why doesn’t he want to be seen by his ex?

No an ex?

LizandDerekGoals · 02/07/2026 21:59

Sounds like his ex isn't really an ex

Iaeve · 02/07/2026 21:44

Trust your gut OP!!

hotbathroomstorm · 02/07/2026 21:36

Agree the Costa isn't an issue. Meeting a stranger, I'd rather be in a bit of a dull, busy neutral place.

I've had awful first meets where the other party has picked some "cute, intimate" venue and essentially there's no chemistry, they're weird and the whole experience is humiliating overall...

The ex-wife comment....

Agree she's probably current wife. If not, it's a very crass weird thing to say. Or maybe it's another person he's shagging or dating 🫠....

SunnyRedSnail · 02/07/2026 21:35

TheLobsterClub · 02/07/2026 21:17

So telling me to meet him with no spark yet claiming that I would know by now if there was a spark?

No I’m cancelling, I’m not being dictated to where we can meet even if it a first date. My ex who used to abuse me lives in the same town but I’d never say let’s not meet there just in case

How the hell can you have a spark with someone you've never met in person?!?!

It's the first time you're meeting so I dont blame him for wanting to not bump into his ex.

Its just a first meet up. Go and see what he is like in person as you can never tell online.

I once went on a date with someone I'd met online and felt i had a spark with. In person he was meh.

But as you've already made up your mind this thread is a bit pointless.

Error404FucksNotFound · 02/07/2026 21:31

Awkward why?
Because she's not aware shes his ex?

Apsodjdv · 02/07/2026 21:27

I think you’re right to cancel; something doesn’t seem right and suspect he’s not single

Abyzou · 02/07/2026 21:24

He's married, OP.

SaraHoliday · 02/07/2026 21:19

TheLobsterClub · 02/07/2026 21:17

So telling me to meet him with no spark yet claiming that I would know by now if there was a spark?

No I’m cancelling, I’m not being dictated to where we can meet even if it a first date. My ex who used to abuse me lives in the same town but I’d never say let’s not meet there just in case

I think you said you were unsure if there was a spark.

You've made the decision anyway.

Original poster

TheLobsterClub · 02/07/2026 21:17

So telling me to meet him with no spark yet claiming that I would know by now if there was a spark?

No I’m cancelling, I’m not being dictated to where we can meet even if it a first date. My ex who used to abuse me lives in the same town but I’d never say let’s not meet there just in case

OP posts:

SaraHoliday · 02/07/2026 21:14

TheLobsterClub · 02/07/2026 21:05

About three months, we stopped talking for a while and I went on a couple of dates with someone else. I don’t think you can decide on a spark if you’ve never met in person

so we can only meet out of town because of his issues?

Show quote history

Everyone is different but I would know if the spark is there or not after chatting online for so long.

For a first date, meet him out of town. He's explained why - that's a big thing in my opinion. He likely doesn't want there to be a potential issue by going into town. It doesn't matter where you go, if you're going to get along, you'll get along wherever.

I hope you give him a chance. He sounds like a thoughtful person.

Original poster

TheLobsterClub · 02/07/2026 21:05

SaraHoliday · 02/07/2026 21:00

How long is 'ages'? I'm not sure why you would meet someone that you're unsure if there's a spark with? I would think the spark is there or not at this point?

I can understand him asking to meet out of town though. He feels comfortable there under the circumstances he's explained. I don't see the problem on that.

Show quote history

About three months, we stopped talking for a while and I went on a couple of dates with someone else. I don’t think you can decide on a spark if you’ve never met in person

so we can only meet out of town because of his issues?

OP posts:

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