AIBU to cancel a first date over his venue choice?

The fact that he thinks Costa Coffee is a nice place to meet for a date would be enough for me to swerve it tbh!

Sounds like his ex is not his ex’

Apparently if we got on then he wouldn't hesitate to 'show me off' (that's given me the ick as well tbh I'm not a bloody trophy wife)

This comment makes me wonder if he's suggesting he wants to go somewhere out the way just in case you've got two heads (!) and if you haven't then he'll "go public"?

PS: I think I know which town it is based on your description. I'm originally from the North East. It's quite a big town so the chance of bumping into the "ex"-wife is very slim and no I absolutely wouldn't want to be going to the retail park on the outskirts when there are nice places in the centre!

His response was that his ex wife works in the town and it would be awkward if he was seen on a date.

I would give this one a miss. I'd wonder if she really was an ex-wife.
Couldn't be doing with this sort of thing, basically sneaking around.
He'll be no end of bother in the long run because even if she actually is his ex-wife he's obviously still invested in some way or he wouldn't care if he saw her or not OR she's the type to go berserk if she finds out he's seeing someone and that's drama you can do without.

Is a coffee shop snob someone who has a preference over what coffee they enjoy or the setting they like to enjoy it in?

I’d never go to a McDonalds and sit in to have a coffee, for example, because it’s loud and busy and I wouldn’t enjoy the experience. I also don’t particularly enjoy the coffee (although it’s better than some other places, like Costa, IMO). Does this make me a coffee snob, or someone with a preference?

Can’t stand coffee shop snobs

I was going to agree with the above poster that the 'costa being soulless' thing is a bit of a crap reason to refuse a date there, and also that technically I could see the ex-wife point - if he is dating a few people (i.e. casual first dates to see if there's a spark, not stringing multiple people along) I could sort of understand not wanting the hassle of 'Who was the woman I saw you with on the weekend,' at this very early stage before he knows if it might go anywhere. Even if the chances of her seeing you herself might be low, she probably has friends/family/colleagues who know what he looks like etc.

Personally I would have probably given it a go, as the advantage of costa is that if it quickly becomes apparent it's a no go it's an easy one for you to make your escape from too - because it's "soulless" there's no real expectation for you to hang around chatting for hours once you've finished the coffee.

However your update with the "show you off" gave me the ick too, so maybe your first instincts were right!

Red flag that his ex is not really that, would be my thought. Or at least very recent, or someone who could tell you something concerning about him.

Politely decline.

I think he’s still married which is why he doesn’t want to be seen

YANBU. You can cancel a first date for whatever reason you like. Don't overthink it, just cancel and move on. Trust your first instincts - they're usually right.

I think he spelt ex wife wrong. It sounds like he wants to meet somewhere he won't be seen.

You said you don't give any fucks. He obviously does. Sounds like you're not suited.

How can you resist a little dig? "Oh, Jeremy, small world. I didn't expect you to come here!"

Something new to mess with him every time! 😆

Id heard people say this before but didn’t believe them.

OMG me too 😂My OH would often tell me that McDonalds coffee wasn't bad, I just assumed he was being cheap. It's actually ok, better than Costa I'd say.

Apparently if we got on then he wouldn't hesitate to 'show me off'

Nope.

Since it's been months and he's still actively avoiding her even when it inconveniences him (and you), I'd worry that he's not yet over her/the breakup. It's maybe understandable if she cheated, etc. - I wouldn't necessarily say it's a character flaw or anything like that - but he may not be ready to date yet. If you're looking for a serious relationship I might swerve this one, especially if your instinct is to cancel.

It also seems like the focus is squarely on his needs and wants and not yours - per the follow-up, it's OK for the two of you to be seen together when HE decides it's time and HE wants to "show you off", but he won't compromise because you'd like to go to a place where you can eat/drink something and you'd like to stay in town rather than skulking on the outskirts. You could also firmly propose a specific alternate meting place and cancel if he's still unwilling to compromise.

Haha yes I was travelling last month for work, gasping for a coffee mid morning, only place nearby was Maccie D’s.

The Americano was actually far more drinkable than I expected. Pretty decent for a chain coffee from a machine.

Id heard people say this before but didn’t believe them. I wouldn’t be averse to having it again if I had to make a choice in a retail park situation.

Never mind the Ex issue which is enough in itself, but yeah Costa coffee is … not great.

If you like him and want to see if there’s a spark then I don’t understand why you wanted just meet him at Costa.

I don’t get the ‘soulless’ part.
It’s a quick drink, not an engagement.
It doesn’t need to be anything fancy or rom- com like.

I would be a bit concerned about the ex being an issue but if you like him then I’d rather meet up with him and then discuss it more later on.

I don’t think it’s a huge red flag as I know the majority of people wouldn’t want their ex seeing them out on a date if it’s not been that long.

Imagine your ex cheating on you and then seeing you on dates with different men because they aren’t suitable, end up being married etc.
It would be a bit embarrassing like you can’t find anyone or like you’re trying to make them jealous because you want them back etc

I’d much rather avoid seeing my ex when out on a first date.

It could just mean she hasn't got over him and he's worried about her seeing him, not necessarily that she isn't an ex. Or she doesn't know he's started to date again.

I don't think the venue choice is that terrible since it's just a quick meet to see if you actually like anything about each other in person. Would you go if he said he only had an hour's break and needed to meet somewhere where it's easy to park close by?

Up to you, of course and you already had doubts as you started the thread. But MN is not the best place to find encouragement on actually checking out a potential male date in person.