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AIBU?

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Original poster

To lose it at my ex for not sticking to shared calendar.

64 replies

bluebirdsandblueskies · 02/07/2026 15:13

I’ve been co-parenting with my ex for over five years (although “co-parenting” feels like a generous description). I do about 90% of everything: childcare, school admin, appointments, activities, birthday parties, forms, uniforms, the mental load…you name it. He pays a token amount of CMS that hasn’t increased in five years, so I’m now going through CMS properly to make sure I’m receiving what I’m actually entitled to.
We have a shared calendar, but it only seems to work one way. If he puts that he’s busy, I have to accept he won’t be seeing our daughter that weekend. If I book something in weeks or months in advance, it somehow doesn’t count. He’ll make plans anyway and then tell me I should have checked with him first.
It’s become noticeably worse since he started seeing someone about nine months ago. He’ll agree to have our daughter and then, a few days later, suddenly can’t anymore. I strongly suspect that’s after speaking to his girlfriend. It’s incredibly frustrating, but more importantly it affects our daughter, who deserves consistency.
He seems to expect me to be the default parent, do all the day-to-day parenting, and then fit around whatever suits him. Today was the final straw. I’d booked next weekend out over a month ago because I need to work, and he announced he couldn’t do it after all.
I completely lost my temper. Five years of resentment came pouring out.
Did he take any responsibility? No.
Did he apologise? No.
Did he offer to change his own plans? No.
Instead, the expectation was that I’d rearrange my life yet again.
Part of me feels guilty for losing it, but another part of me thinks it was inevitable after years of this.
Am I being unreasonable to expect a father to honour the time he’s agreed to have his child, rather than treating it as optional? And for those who’ve dated or remarried, is it unreasonable to expect a new partner to understand that children come first and that parenting commitments aren’t something you cancel because you’d rather spend the weekend together? I can’t deal with the chaos anymore!
Ai

OP posts:
stargirl27 · 02/07/2026 16:10

Vaxtable · 02/07/2026 16:03

Go to court and get a set schedule. Then he has to sort out what happens on his time if he can’t do it

The order will just say something like 'child will live with mum and mum must make child available to spend time on x x and x days'. If dad then doesn't bother, mum can't simply force him... although if op then applied to vary that order, it doesn't put him in a very strong position.

Original poster
bluebirdsandblueskies · 02/07/2026 16:08

@NoCommentingFromNowOnoh I wish I could! But I wouldn’t do that to my daughter. Funny he was away on Father’s Day and didn’t make her first day at school but will come banging down the door to have her on Christmas Day!

OP posts:
Original poster
bluebirdsandblueskies · 02/07/2026 16:07

@ToThePoint2026he is shit but I also find a desperate pick me girl can be an enabler too! I’ve never met her and neither has my daughter but imagining not questioning why your man doesn’t spend more time with his daughter!

OP posts:
Original poster
bluebirdsandblueskies · 02/07/2026 16:05

@Notasbigasithinktorally aware it can work both ways! I’m not unreasonable at all (he might suggest otherwise) but if he said ‘oh I see you’ve booked out xyz, but could we change or swap’ I’d be more than happy. It’s just the total lack of consideration. I’d never do anything to spite him - though the thought has crossed the line! 😂

OP posts:
Vaxtable · 02/07/2026 16:03

Go to court and get a set schedule. Then he has to sort out what happens on his time if he can’t do it

ToThePoint2026 · 02/07/2026 16:01

Don't blame gf you don't personally know. A rubbish dad before and a rubbish dad after doesn't make it her fault he is even worse. I found after a year of making arrangements him not sticking etc that I was fed up and if he was bothered about kid he would contact me and yep that was 15 years ago

Notasbigasithink · 02/07/2026 15:59

bluebirdsandblueskies · 02/07/2026 15:13

I’ve been co-parenting with my ex for over five years (although “co-parenting” feels like a generous description). I do about 90% of everything: childcare, school admin, appointments, activities, birthday parties, forms, uniforms, the mental load…you name it. He pays a token amount of CMS that hasn’t increased in five years, so I’m now going through CMS properly to make sure I’m receiving what I’m actually entitled to.
We have a shared calendar, but it only seems to work one way. If he puts that he’s busy, I have to accept he won’t be seeing our daughter that weekend. If I book something in weeks or months in advance, it somehow doesn’t count. He’ll make plans anyway and then tell me I should have checked with him first.
It’s become noticeably worse since he started seeing someone about nine months ago. He’ll agree to have our daughter and then, a few days later, suddenly can’t anymore. I strongly suspect that’s after speaking to his girlfriend. It’s incredibly frustrating, but more importantly it affects our daughter, who deserves consistency.
He seems to expect me to be the default parent, do all the day-to-day parenting, and then fit around whatever suits him. Today was the final straw. I’d booked next weekend out over a month ago because I need to work, and he announced he couldn’t do it after all.
I completely lost my temper. Five years of resentment came pouring out.
Did he take any responsibility? No.
Did he apologise? No.
Did he offer to change his own plans? No.
Instead, the expectation was that I’d rearrange my life yet again.
Part of me feels guilty for losing it, but another part of me thinks it was inevitable after years of this.
Am I being unreasonable to expect a father to honour the time he’s agreed to have his child, rather than treating it as optional? And for those who’ve dated or remarried, is it unreasonable to expect a new partner to understand that children come first and that parenting commitments aren’t something you cancel because you’d rather spend the weekend together? I can’t deal with the chaos anymore!
Ai

Unfortunately you cannot 'force' contact. As the primary carer, the final responsibility falls upon you and no amount of mediation or court orders will help enforce this.
He is a shitty ex and dad. I'm speaking as someone who has stepchildren and my husbands ex does everything possible to ruin our plans with his children by withholding contact esp if she knows we've paid out money for something such as a holiday.
Courts do jack shit to enforce contact or reprimanded her for her vile and malicious behaviour. Unfortunately its always the children that suffer. In our case the mum just feeds them lie after lie.......
My best advice would be only to ever book something if you have back up support from friends or family. I am only too family to know what its like to have plans ruined last minute.

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 02/07/2026 15:47

Just let him drift away. He doesn’t want to take any responsibility for anything, I don’t know how old your child is, but it will be damaging for them to realise dad only sees them when he has nothing else to do.

Ablondiebutagoody · 02/07/2026 15:41

Sounds back to front. You need to block out the calendar with each of your time with your daughter and then fit your own stuff around that.

GYtoday · 02/07/2026 15:26

Esmeraldathe3rd · 02/07/2026 15:16

You need a set schedule that both of you stick to. No switching or anything. If something comes up on your week you plan alternative childcare.
Go to mediation. If that doesn't work you go to court. It's not that expensive if you self represent which really isn't that hard.

What would court do?

stargirl27 · 02/07/2026 15:21

Esmeraldathe3rd · 02/07/2026 15:16

You need a set schedule that both of you stick to. No switching or anything. If something comes up on your week you plan alternative childcare.
Go to mediation. If that doesn't work you go to court. It's not that expensive if you self represent which really isn't that hard.

I agree a set schedule would assist, but no one can force dad (or indeed mum) to care for the child. I feel like a lot would continue to fall back on op.

GYtoday · 02/07/2026 15:19

What is he like as a parent when his child is with him? I can’t imagine much cop

MyWildOliveGoose · 02/07/2026 15:17

You’re not being unreasonable.. and actually, if this went to court, and he couldn’t honour his time - he wouldn’t get any time. Mediation might be a good idea, as they enforce the “if it’s your weekend and you can’t stick to it, you are responsible for childcare” message - which may give him a bit of oomph.

Esmeraldathe3rd · 02/07/2026 15:16

You need a set schedule that both of you stick to. No switching or anything. If something comes up on your week you plan alternative childcare.
Go to mediation. If that doesn't work you go to court. It's not that expensive if you self represent which really isn't that hard.