AIBU for wanting my partner to leave me completely alone so I can do my hobby?

I remember being exactly the same when writing my first manuscript. It was all-consuming and I wanted to spend every spare minute on it. So I do get your perspective.

I also see his perspective. Evenings are precious.

I think a good compromise is doing your writing early morning and maybe one evening a week. You could get up a bit earlier if you want more writing time.

By the way, I did get published. Not with that first MS, but with the second and third. There is hope.

As a fellow writer (small 'w') I've had to carve out time too.

I go to bed 'early' and take my laptop for a quick 30minute session. I take myself out to a coffee shop for an hour, I get up early, etc.

I would find a variety of ways to write and then book one in a week.

Meet a friend for coffee and write together (in silence). Join a writing group for a session once a month. Take your lap top to bed one night a week and get up early once a week.

In between writing sessions find ways to make your precious writing time as efficient as possible.

I have a note file on my phone where I jot ideas. I write outlines so I have a clear direction when I do write. I day-dream scenes on my commute so I can write them later.

I have a friend who uses a dictaphone and speaks her scenes while she cycles.
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Presumably your oh leaves you alone when you are studying? So does he only interrupt you when you are writing? Is it deliberate sabotage?
It sounds like it's worked...

Does he have a hobby? Sounds like you need to encourage him to go to a gym so you can have the time to yourself. Of course you should be able to sit undisturbed without a needy partner sabotaging you

I suppose somebody has to be around for the 3 year old.

I think wait until you’ve finished your degree.

As someone with an almost 3yo whose hobby is writing, I can very much sympathise! I had to bash my husband around the head with the fact that whilst he had been to fewer football matches, I had had almost NO focus time to write in the previous two years.

(We both did have other free time to ourselves, but had to fit in socialising/exercise etc into that.)

Can you make it a bit more like an appointment? Let's say you do one fixed session a week, one that's a bit more flexible, and take ad hoc holiday/breaks to support it too?

We used holiday to support hobbies, and also flex with work (I WFH and am allowed to flex hours into the evening, so I sometimes write between 8-10 at home).

You're not being unreasonable at all in wanting uninterrupted time to yourself. Me and my DH each do separate things for a couple of hours once the kids are in bed. We have different hobbies and our own friends to see. Then later in the evening we'll watch an episode of the series we're currently watching together before going to bed. Friday and Saturday evenings we spend fully together - dinner after the kids are in bed, wine, maybe a movie. For us, it works as a balance of couple time and solo time. Could a similar schedule work for you OP?

I agree with poster above. I’m a big advocate of people writing. But with your course, preschooler etc you are busy. All of which you chose. When she starts school can you reserve more time to write?

I’m so sorry for you OP.

I’m like you. I take ages to get “into” focussing on something, and then when I’m into it, if someone interrupts and pulls you out of focus again it’s like physical pain. Then you spend ages getting back into it.

You don't sound unreasonable to me, what do your evenings together look like?

I think you need to have a serious chat and maybe set out a timetable that covers you both having time for your separate interests and time together.

Don't know why everyone is suggesting "just get up earlier". Surely then you'll just need to go to bed earlier so you'll still lose the time together!

I don't have the answer OP but at the very least, when he asks you why you are not writing he deserves the truth 'because every time I try you keep interrupting me and making it impossible. I am not able to write because you won't let me'

When I was a postgrad doing my doctorate one of my colleagues had this. problem She said that her partner was constantly hanging around in a needy way and interrupting while she was trying to study. In her case it was not a "hobby" but a serious qualification she had undertaken with his initial support. Then iit must have occurred to him that his wife would be better qualified than he was. Oh dear. It was apparently perfectly ok for him to go out drinking with the lads and other best mate activities. However his partner was required to be there on tap whenever he fancied a quickie or a cuddle.

Eventually they broke up.

Free up time for what?

Working part time, studying for a degree, running a home and looking after a 3 year old is already quite a lot. I don't think you have the time at the moment for your hobby. Is your DD starting school September next year? When does your degree finish? I think one of these responsibilities needs to be met in order to free up time.

You said you work PT and study FT and then the writing is on top of that.

How many hours a week are you working and studying? How much time are you actually spending with your DH and child? Because it doesn’t sound like there could possibly be any time left in your day?

It’s not three whole evenings though. It’s after dinner and the child’s in bed.

YANBU at all OP. What’s unreasonable is your husband continuously sabotaging your efforts.

No one needs to spend more than four evenings a week continuously in their partner’s company.

YANBU. I read that as emotional abuse TBH, that he is was against it but is now having a go that you aren't doing it. Lock the door and do your writing, he's an adult he can entertain himself.

He's trying to sabotage you because he feels threatened, and you need to make sure he doesn't (I know that's hard). Also it's a perfectly reasonable dream to have! Why wouldn't you get published if you keep going? Someone has to. Put yourself first - your art is important. Say to him, I can't be disturbed, then lock the door (or put a wedge to stop it opening if there's no lock), and put earplugs in. Part of this is you're feeling guilty because he's making you. I'm not blaming you at all, but that bit you can change. Work on your sense of yourself as doing something important you have a right to prioritise. There are writing groups and networks you can join too that you might find encouraging, I was never all that interested but I've ended up being mentored and developed by one and honestly it's brilliant, you might find that useful at some point?

Yeah, he is prioritising his needs over yours. That is just not cool. One serious conversation to give him a chance to see it from your point of view.

Though if he still doesn’t get it, I really don’t know what to advise. As Virginia Woolf said it ‘a woman writer needs a room of her own ‘.

good luck, hope you can carve out some time for yourself.

How about you still get up early and have one (set) evening a week when you write, but every 2-3 weeks you also go and sit in the local library and write for 4-5 uninterrupted hours on a weekend day? Make notes on your phone of new ideas as you go along too, so you are ready to go.

The interrupting and asking for hugs or kisses suggests that he feels that your writing represents you pulling away from him. The time after DD goes to bed is really the only time you have when you can cuddle up together. Maybe making the most of the evenings you do have together would help him to get over his insecurity.

YANBU. I have a creative hobby that I like to spend evenings on, and like you I have ideas during the day and can't wait to get stuck in. My partner is totally fine and encourages me to do what I enjoy. We have two kids and I have a separate room which I lock when I am busy.

He keeps interrupting you because he's jealous and doesn't want you to write. And now he's asking you when you're gonna start again? Say you'll start when he leaves you the fk alone to write! You need to be in the zone and he is trashing that for you. Can you install a lock on the door and put up a sign "do not disturb"?

We probably spend 3/4 nights a week after kids are in bed doing our own thing (on the same days obviously) so I don’t think that’s unreasonable at all. We still see each other plenty on those days before the kids are in bed, mornings, we both WFH etc. But we have different hobbies and interests as well as shared ones and we value the time to pursue those. It’s important to me we have time to be individuals as well as doing stuff together. We actually just had a chat the other night about how great our relationship still is well over a decade and two kids later, and I think that’s a lot to do with allowing each other the time and space to be their own person as well as sharing time together.

I think it sounds more like a bit of a mismatch in your personalities on this topic than anyone being unreasonable, but you do both need to find a balance where neither of you are resentful, and that might have to be a compromise on both sides.

What you’ve said resonates a great deal with me. It was my fixed ambition from around seven years old to be a published author. All went to pot a bit when children were small, and then, when my youngest started nursery, I started to feel able to write again.
What worked for me was a fixed schedule, of 500 words a day. It’s not much, 500 words is about one page of my sprawling writing. Sometimes on busy days this would be done in bed. Sometimes I would have to miss a day, but the aim was always 500 words a day. I don’t think this would take you away from your family too much would it?
It is hard, carving out time to write. And it’s not like you have anything to show anyone when you’ve finished, not like a painting or a finished jumper! But if you need to write, you need to find a schedule that works, and for me that was word count.
Good luck!

I would aim to do it while he is at the gym (if your daughter is in bed) or early in the morning if possible. If not, I would choose particular nights per week and make myself unavailable - locked door with earplugs in, round the corner in the car, or sat in a cafe or local pub. It would mean writing down notes so you don’t forget ideas but then at least you would know you’d have uninterrupted time to focus

Could you not rethink how you write? As in record some voice notes when inspiration strikes or have a notebook handy to jot down some ideas, lines etc. You could then look over your notes while spending time with the family. Or when you put your daughter to bed stay upstairs half an hour longer. Use that time to write or re-write what you can. Good luck!