AIBU I genuinely think I hate my 15 yr old son!! I blame myself and dh

You cannot be serious about him going on that hockey camp. You need to start being a lot firmer. You are pushovers

I assume he’s letting them in when parents are at work and he is home. They need to hire a Nanny/sitter if that is the case so there is an adult around all the time.
That should be mortifying enough to stop any more visits 😂

Cut off the funding. No more independent school, US summer trip, phone contract etc. etc. But I don't think that you have the stomach for it, and nor does he .....which is why he is behaving like he is.

What actual consequences have you actually given him? Because when asked about checking his phone, you said you and your DH spoke about it and your son made the snide remark about not needing porn as he’d just get a girlfriend. Did you actually check the services yourselves or just take his word for it? In your last comment you said you took his phone away - how long for? If he wasn’t bothered, he has a second device you don’t know about. How much pocket money do you give him? What chores is he expected to do for the pocket money? Does he do them?

I cannot believe you are allowing him to go on the hockey trip. You want to ship him to your parents because YOU have failed him. You can’t parent him so you want someone wand to deal with him. His behaviour is almost certainly a result of how he’s been brought up - a lack of boundaries, lack of rules, not made to do jobs around the house, no monitoring on his devices, allowed on them as much as he wants, no time spent with him getting to know him and what he likes? Any of that sounding familiar?

You need to make sure you’re parenting your younger kids or this will repeat itself. And it’s time to step up with your eldest and truly parent him.

Why does him having a dual passport matter? He’s a minor, regardless of his dual nationality he can’t go on a trip without your parental consent, so don’t give it!
If you’re going to America on holiday anyway, he can forego the hockey part and just have a normal holiday.
It sounds like you are almost afraid of the backlash from stopping him participating. I also wouldn’t be keeping him at a school where the school staff ‘stick up for him’ and excuse his terrible behaviour.
You’re going to have to make some tough and unpopular decisions. I’m not sure boarding would have made a better impact for him because the culture he is already surrounded by sounds unhealthy. Surely apart from there being no girls around he’d be absorbing whatever else 24 hours a day if he stayed there as well.

In all honesty, how can he go on any trip other than family trip when parents knows he finds a random girl? Are you not worried about consequences?

no way would I consent to any child of mine to go on a trip without me in those circumstances. Not with previous reports from girls showing not all MIGHT have willingly associated themselves with him!

How are the girls getting in the house?

I'm guessing your son likes hockey and is good at it? I would be telling him that he won't be going to the US in the summer. His behaviour at school and home is dreadful, and he doesn't deserve the place. I'd also be reconsidering paying for an independent school for him too. If he ended up at the local state secondary school, it would take him down a peg or two! He's essentially got way too big for his boots. Also no independent school = no hockey.

I would be concerned why his behaviour has deteriorated so badly. My own son is 15, but doesn't behave like this, most 15 year olds don't.

Your son has raped a girl and you’re letting him get away with it. Unbelievable

It’s clear you are still pandering to him so why would he change?
You’ve ignored every single poster who has asked why on earth he is still being allowed to go to the US to play hockey.
You say you’ve stopped his money “for now”.
You say in one reply that he doesn’t care about electronics and in the next you say you’ve seen messages between him and a girl so it’s absolute rubbish that you’ve taken his phone from him.
Where are the consequences?
Stop pussyfooting around him and get strict.
You sound either too lazy to parent, to busy trying to be his bestie to parent, or too scared of him to parent. All are wrong.
As previous posters have said, you need to make his life miserable now. He has it way too easy and then you are wondering why he has no inclination to change his behaviour!!!

Yes, that’s the idea. You take away what he likes as punishment. Or threaten to take it away if behaviour doesn’t change. Have you tried that and showed you mean it?

My adopted daughter was into clothes. We reduced that budget and only got what she really needed.

If he gets anything on official record he can say bye bye to future hockey tours

Hockey is your trump card here use it.
Do you know his coaches? Could they give him a warning?

Yes and he might get a whole new range of girls to impress 😃
A short break at grandparents fine - sending him away is not fine imo, you're showing him that your love for him is conditional.

Cant understand why you're letting the girls in? Take his phone away? Honestly he sounds horrible and maybe it would be a good thing for him to spend the summer at his grandparents.
Alos stop allowing him to spend your money on him. Just cut him off

(Caveat mine are still little & I have this all to come!!)
A short break doesn't sound a bad idea, but not a long-term solution? It does sound like an unholy mix of peak teenage rebellion, a private school environment that has perhaps led to a bit of overconfidence/entitlement and an environment at home that has led to tension/treading on eggshells overly..
I think others are correct that boundaries need to be enforced around the number of girls being brought home, but is it better under your roof than somewhere else..? It seems a good moment to encourage some further independence/maturity/resilience-building - can you cut off allowance/pocket money unless he toes the line in some areas? How about part-time work? Does he have hobbies, can he take on some responsibility there? Strike a bargain with him - if you see some improvements in attitude/school behaviour, he can be trusted with some more freedoms again. Send him away camping for the weekend with friends? Get some older role models involved, any uni students or young people in your network who've been busy making a success of themselves? What's he inspired by? Sounds like his horizons are still (understandably) very restricted and he needs to learn to spread his wings in a more constructive way - best of luck!!

As someone who went to the local state school it's quite weird to see so many posters suggesting that he's sent there to "bring him down a peg or two." The private school dropouts caused absolute chaos when they got dumped on us.

Sorry op. @BrightPearlEagle

yes, you are struggling. But with due respect, you are not parenting. I agree with this poster and it’s what I also wanted to post.

good you are having counselling etc

my adopted daughter went through a phase as same age with boys although she was sweet at home. It was hard, it was tough. What did we do? We parented her. We did not abandon her or left her to her friends to be her guide. Sometimes we did not want to look at her. But we parented her for years! She is fine now!

no 2 ways out. You need to parent him. Take parenting lessons if you will! Good luck!

You are absolutely sending him away. Dress it up however you want. Your son, you deal with it.

If Hockey is hi 'thing' then that is whats used as a consequence.
Might sound harsh but he absolutely does NOT get to go for 2 weeks in the summer irrespective of whether he is representing the school or not.
Life has consequences and they are hard sometimes.
When he gets a girl pregnant (and he will) life is going to be absolutely shit for around 18yrs whilst HE (not you) are forced to support it via the CMS

The bit about being in constant conflict stands out for me (as well as the thread title of course). Do you have any times with him when he's being spoken to as someone you love, without being told off or criticised? I know it can feel very hard in your circumstances to do this, but they can feel nothing is ever good enough when they are criticised every day.
I don't think he sounds like a psychopath! He's either an arse or possibly craving excitement (any adhd in the family?) but either way he's still the boy you love.

Teenagers are meant to test you. If anything, they need firmer boundaries and rules than ever before. You're letting him get away with this behaviour, hence he's pushing you further. Actions have consequences and he isn't learning that lesson.

Stop the US trip.
Send him to his grandparents.
Don't take him on your family holiday.
Take him out of his current school and either send him to a boarding school or the local state school.
If he goes to a state school, he will soon find he isn't the cock of the walk who all the girls fancy.
He is going to grow into an arrogant man who thinks he can get away with everything and anything and he needs to learn the consequences of his reprehensible behaviour.

He sounds sociopathic. Have you looked into that OP? Might explain his behaviour/help you handle him better.

Does your son fully understand that she is under the age of consent? As is he. At this age it could be catastrophic for his future should he be accused of assault - and sadly with the behaviours and attitude he is displaying he is heading that way.
You are yet to answer all the questions about exactly what sanctions you are applying - including the coveted US trip.