AIBU I genuinely think I hate my 15 yr old son!! I blame myself and dh

But you haven't done all you can as parents have you? You said he has had no discipline and has been spoiled, who's fault is that? Your son is/is turning into a misogynistic sex pest and you don't seem to be taking that very seriously either. You reap what you sow.

The word ‘generally’ is crucial… it means there are times when they will act. And if motivated parents of a girl (or girls) kick up a fuss, the police may well start to pay attention. The risk for @BrightPearlEagle is her son is relying on his charm to get away with it but if a few girls start to feel resentful of his hump them and dump them games, he could be in huge trouble. So even if op like her son doesn’t care about other people, she should worry about the possible consequences he might face.

Another perspective here- what exactly is the bad behaviour at school?! And he’s 15 and not around girls so he’s bound to seek them out and lavish in the attention! If girls are throwing themselves at him is it any wonder? I can understand why he has felt upset as it sounds like you don’t trust him and not seeing any good qualities, surely he has some? He will come out of it, his hormones are everywhere. But negativity breeds negativity- if you are all at nagging at him constantly he’s just reacting his environment.

Teens are wired to not listen to their parents. You need to find an external man, someone he looks up to, to explain to him the potential consequences of his actions.
Has he got an uncle? Someone he respects like a coach or similar?

Sorry you're going through this.

He needs the wind taken out of his sails.

At the moment he’s a big fish in a small pond. I’d change that asap. Next term move him to the local comp. He desperately needs his arrogance challenged.
And there would be no trip the US. You can’t trust him on his home turf. God knows what he’d get up to in another country.

He already treats you like shit and no doubt hates you anyway. Time to actually be the ‘bad guys’ and parent the shit out of him while you still own his ungrateful little arse. He’s only 15, so before he’s inflicted on the rest of society clip his wings and get him back on track. Good luck. 💐

External influences are so much more powerful than any amount of "good parenting".

From experience, using a firmer hand/cutting him off financially/withdrawing him from sports won't work on the kind of child you have, OP. I was an "off the rails" teen and any one of those things would have pushed me further away and strengthened my intent to rebel.

Before the family holiday you could write him a brief note (because talking is too explosive and we all say things we don't mean in the heat of the moment).

Reassure him that your love is unconditional and that whilst you're proud of x/y/z aspects of his personality, you don't recognise him right now and can't accept his treatment of women. Admit your own part in this - that you regret not guiding him better and losing his respect.

The nature of a letter means he can re-read it, move through the anger, and hopefully more of what you say will sink in.

Just remember, his hormones are at the wheel and this won't last forever.

Well OP has said ‘Our son showed the phone calls he ignored from her over 50 calls in one day, spamming messages, begging him to respond, threatening if he does not respond she will say he did this that the other, even her saying she will kill herself if he does not respond and her emailing him from her school email which her school had access to. Through all of this, he only sent her a few messages most of them saying to leave him alone and that he did not want to be with her. Not nice messages but if you are being called that many times I can see his frustration.’

So if we take it at face value, then yes there’s evidence that she wasn’t telling the truth, and then she admitted it

Yeah. This’ll work.

Laws like those are mainly to protect children from adults, not to criminalise two 15 year olds for having sex

I'm not saying I've used these tecniques myself as I came across this organisation after my own children had flown the nest. But I was very impressed by a speaker I saw from Connected Families who had worked with what what sounded like troubled teens (not sure what the correct term was for them) and he talked about a system whereby you allow the child to face the natural consequences of their own actions. It made such a lot of sense to me and I could intuitively understand how it might work.

You can pay to speak to a coach but the organisation has some useful free info on the site. It is a Christian organisation and that may put you off (or not) but the material sounded very well thought through and some of the teens sounded far more troubled than your own son and progress was made. The trouble with counselling is that whilst it can help with feeling heard and seen, counsellors do not offer practical advice which could be helpful.

You can start right away with some free videos.

https://connectedfamilies.org

Btw, I doubt you hate your son - you just hate the way he is behaving.

So she saw evidence and didn’t believe him ?

This particular law is to protect children from predatory adults

No there was evidence if this. People are just adding bits to fit their narrative

So the police wouldn't give them a warning or anything? If it's true that the police would do nothing, then we don't in fact have any laws against sex under 16.

I haven’t seen the OP say there was actual evidence of this. It’s much more likely that the girl retracted her accusation for a quiet life as so many women and girls do and then get called liars. Of course, we don’t know this. What we do know is that this boy lacks boundaries and respect and that there is an epidemic of violence against women and girls.

Baffled as to how all these besotted girls are gaining entry to the house.

Yes that case is awful - but there's evidence this girl was harassing him (50 calls a day which is harassment) and she also threatened via text that if he didn't start responding to her she would make up a false allegation.

You can obviously never know with allegations - but it's really not similar to the case you mentioned! In fact apparently there's digital evidence of OP's son being harassed

i have a 16 yr son who autistic and is a right little shit. and down right vile to me..but no way could i ever say i hate him..jeez he's your son

Why is this all about you and not about how your child has been failed?

'should have sent him to board'? Should have partnered better you mean surely?

Have you tried saying 'no' at any point in his life? As to the girls put them in your car and take them home (you, not your DH for obv. reasons). He is 15 and I assume the girls are the same age, so you are allowing under age sex to take place in your home. You also have some duty of care to an underage girl who is being tricked/seduced by your son.
Actions have consequences and it seems your DS does not know there are any, so it is about time to have some. Grandparents. No phone. No whatever else it is he values.

You know that doesn’t happen though right? If you report your 15yo for having sex with another 15yo neither of them are getting into trouble. You’re just wasting police time

They should both get into trouble for breaking the law, or why bother having laws at all?

So why say “He has had a different girl in the house pretty much everyday for the last 2 weeks”. Very confusing

Yes, and we can only go on what OP is saying here. Obviously. It’s all very strange as she didn’t lead with the evidence that came to light’s and someone has already said schools are would have needed to report it to the police before they even had a chance to gather evidence. So it’s probably all rubbish. But even still I cannot wrap my head around the responses

Its not about whether that stuff happens, its about getting him out of a toxic situation hes made himself the king of, by the sounds of it, and grtting him into somewhere new (local state school) where he doesnt have that power, isnt in that toxic group, and can start over.