Advice needed: He earns half of what I earn.

He has a lifestyle that he can't sustain unless someone subsidises it for him - you and his landlady. Look where that has left her.

You have long-term goals that require you to save.

He is too pathetic to seek his own solutions.

As someone who has been brought to my knees financially in the past by supporting men who refuse to take responsibility for even the most basic things in life, I'd be swerving this one OP.

No I wouldn't be happy about him asking me what's for dinner, then him complaining about eating the same things on repeat, all the while expecting to be fed. This all sounds extremely unattractive. You're not unreasonable at all. Please don't let him move in especially if he's wanting to take a paycut. He's probably doing that thinking you'll subsidise him. It's fine for anyone to do a low paying job they love, as long as they're living within their means as much as possible. He's being fed by you, staying over 3 nights, using all your toiletries, and yes when he's staying over that much he should be providing his own. He can buy him own soaps and leave them at yours. It's the expectation that will make you resentful in the long term.

Fucking ditch him, what a loser. I'm also intrigued to know what your job is.

Does he not qualify for UC? When I was a TA I qualified for UC as the pay was so low

Usual double standards. If the women earns less than a man there is never a outcry. But if a man earns less..,.

So he’s a lower earner, with no drive and ambition, he’s shit with money, and it doesn’t seem to occur to him that he shouldn’t just land you with the bill. Do you want a dependent? Because you’ve got yourself a dependent.

I should hope he’s ‘lovely’, considering that this arrangement primarily benefits him. Lovely is the bare minimum though, and you can do better.

Too often women are expected to virtue signal with their romantic choices in order to prove that we aren’t ’shallow gold diggers’, as if financial compatibility isn’t actually extremely important in relationships. Money matters. Being on the same page matters. Don’t allow yourself to be taken advantage of by maintaining a situation to your own detriment because ‘he’s lovely’.

@Misssparkles2 if you were in his position what would you do?
You don't have to expect someone to do something you wouldn't do yourself, but surely in his position you would try to do something, not ponder taking an even lower paid job while the debt builds, expecting your partner and landlord to be dragged down financially with you.
Expect him to do what you would put yourself through to get out of this position. Tell him he needs to do it and don't let him drag you down with him

@Misssparkles2 I'm sorry your dp had such a sad event in his life, and it's understandable that sometimes people get into debt in those situations. But he sounds like he is financially incompetent and takes no responsibility.

He's an adult now and he need to behave like an adult and take adult decisions. You say: we spoken about him needing to earn more but he doesn’t want to do any other work that he doesn’t love... he only wants do work a job he likes even after his school job That is unrealistic. Very few of us get to live like that, and he cannot afford the luxury of only doing what he loves. He's even thinking about reducing his pay. Who does he think is going to feed him?

Even if you love him, I'd end the relationship until he has paid back all of his debt and has a proper plan for how he funds his life. Although I doubt he'll ever manage that. It is his responsibility, not yours.

The risk now is that his friends mum throws him out and he expects to move in with you full time. Do not allow this for even one week.

Is this what you want your life to look like as it doesn’t look as though there is an end in site.
He doesn’t need to match what you earn but he should be able to contribute equally.

Somehow sense that this is a thought process you need to go through in your own time but when you sit there and consider what you will be doing to support his needs vs how he supports yours you will find it woefully one sided.

The low wage is less of an issue than the debt and the misalignment of viewpoints/values in what a job is for. That latter one isn't a jab at either of you, but it's important that life partners be aligned on something like this, or at least happily agreed that one person does the labour of love while the other supports.

Or maybe he can get himself on Vinted and buy his own. He’s a fully grown man, apparently.

This is tragically familiar to me. I posted upthread how I was just like OP at her age.

Now with the
"Getting depressed" as a way of avoiding money conversations
Her seeking advice on his behalf
Owing money to people housing him
Enjoying his low-earning job and refusing to contemplate another

I feel like OP is me in a time machine!

Men don't stay attracted to women who mother them (even if they force the dymanic at the start)

I'm now 50 and have brought up our dc alone for 10 years. This is not the life you want - and it's not a dress rehersal!

He can be a nice person but incompatible for you. Its great that he loves his job as a TA, but if the salary doesn't give him the lifestyle he wants, he needs a second job or he needs to rethink his lifestyle or career choice.

Obviously there are many people who earn much more than their partners, and subsidise or pay for their partners to live. If he has no intention of getting a better paid job, you need to consider what your future looks like together. If you want a larger home, to go out for dates, to travel, you will likely have to pay most or all of the cost. There is nothing wrong with that if you are happy to do so. However, if you want to be in a more 50/50 relationship, it sounds like you aren't going to get that from your current partner.

Where did I say anything about living a lesser life??? Specialist ironing water is nothing short of a gimmick that’s supports unnecessary consumerism not to mention being a total waste of money!

How will that make things cheaper. They'd still need washed.

Not everyone has parents to move back in with

he's only got one work outfit? It'd be cheaper surely to get him a few more shirts and chinos and undies?!

Couldn’t he get a second job? He could surely do some bar work in the evenings where he lives. Something in the school holidays. He has a lot of spare hours at the moment.

Missing the point but what is iron liquid?

OP, he knows perfectly well he is using you. A discussion needs to be had.

But this is the issue: he'd rather carry on like he is, bumbling along in his low paid job with his girlfriend sorting everything out for him. If this really what you want for your life?

So he needs to be a big boy and either have a discussion with the landlord and agree to pay monthly rent + a reasonable amount of debt each month or he needs to work out another way of paying her back, get a second job, get a low interest loan split into smaller repayments over a longer time. Not sit and sulk he has no money and take more money from his landlord and live off you at the same time

The same. I do work part time with young children but that is a joint choice. I had this sort of conversation with my husband long before we married because it was important to me that we were on the same page. TBH I wasn't earning well when we first met but completed further qualifications and established my career before we married or thought about children.

Train to be a teacher?

Leave work at 3.30pm and get a job in the evenings? Or school holidays? Or weekends?

Nothing is going to change unless he changes it himself.

This man has 2’women propping him up and still isn’t functioning as an adult. He can’t afford to be in a relationship.

I’m surprised he’s a TA. The vast majority of TA’s are either mums who want a role to fit around school hours or they’re older and reaching retirement age so want a nice little job for a few hours. The pay is so low I don’t think many do it for the love of it, it makes far more sense to go into actual teaching… Is there a reason he isn’t doing this? Is he not particularly academic? Just wondering if perhaps he doesn’t have a degree.

This aside, there’s a very evident mismatch between you. You’re financially responsible and he isn’t. He’s happy to float through life earning very little, getting into debt, living off you without offering to pay towards anything… You say he’s lovely, maybe, but he lacks any sort of motivation or aspirations. I’d move on, can you imagine settling down with him?