Advice needed: He earns half of what I earn.

We shy away from talking about, even thinking about money in case it’s shallow, or we’re gold diggers but our primary relationship (whether we marry or not) is the biggest financial decision we ever make, and we should look very carefully at it.

Rather than focusing on the numbers, look at what the behaviours tell you. He can’t help being broke but being inconsiderate, or selfish is something else. Lots of people accumulate debt in their early 20s, but some people become financially wiser from the experience. What do his choices tell you about his financial acumen and how compatible are his money ethics and yours? Is he responsible and honourable within his means?

If he will never be a decent earner, is this something you can absorb or not? You’re not a bad person if the answer is no. Just as you will have made choices at university, and applying for jobs with the wage potential in mind.

Think about what your behaviours say about you too? That’s not your make you feel guilty or cut you down - it’s just that it’s very important to be clear sighted, and not bury your head in the sand because money feels uncomfortable.

I was the lower earner, at the beginning of our relationship and it’s something that can be uncomfortable on both sides. We were at different life stages. My friends and I ate out on early bird deals, bought the cheap seats in the nosebleeds, travelled by buses, or walked, stayed in youth hostels or sofa surfed and were generally living the life of students/early graduates, finding our feet. Dh wasn’t willing to do any of that, so being in a relationship with me and spending time in ways I couldn’t afford, cost him money.

When we moved in together, he liked the house warm, and I would have put on a jumper and filled a hot water bottle. I was shocked the first time I saw his utility bills. I didn’t know they could be that high. I was trying to contribute fairly but there was no way I could have managed 50%.

I found that the financial inequality, spilled into our relationship creating a power imbalance. A lot of little things were decided by him, and I found myself compensating by taking on household tasks, cooking meals to balance eating out etc. Ultimately that set us on a path where my career was continually on the back foot in the long run.

We loved each other and made it work but the financial disparity put a stress into the relationship that had impacts on both sides. It’s as much a reason as any other to re consider a relationship, and tbh if I could go back in time I’d tell my younger self to slow things down a lot, and build my career for a couple more years.

in terms of personality he’s lovely and caring and he’s never been bad to me or my child. But financially he is terrible which now I can see why he is debt. He spends what he hasn’t and now is trying to keep up with having my to pay out to his debt then what he has.

This reminds me of a friend of mine, who had a long relationship with a professional student. By the time he was 30, he was still at uni, pursuing various sculpture courses. He was also lovely and caring. She lost patience.

What is he planning to do all through the summer holidays? Is he paid term time only or pro rata? He needs to be working through the summer in any job he can get to pay off the debts even if he is paid pro rata.

He sounds lovely and would probably be a great house husband/dad for someone - but it doesn't sound like that's what you're looking for.

If you're going to stay with him though then I'd make sure all his birthday/Christmas/Valentines presents were practical - nice pants for valentines, nice shirt for birthday etc

The other thing is to have two lots of shower gel etc - one you keep in the cupboard for your use - the other lot is out on the side for when he's around.

You are not financially compatible.
It doesn't matter what everyone else thinks and says. His finances bother you, period. He loves his job. He will continue to do it and continue to be on the same pay.
There are more fish in the sea. Better to find someone who earns a bit more than you as it is deep down unacceptable for u to support him.
I married a lovely guy who earns a lot less. It has never bothered me. People are just different.
Find someone who makes you happy.

Shower gel is cheap enough (bar soap is even cheaper!) but meals aren’t and if he’s living at yours nearly half the week and not contributing, that is taking the poss, no matter how worthy his job is.

I don't mean to pry (well I do, but you don't have to answer), but what was your dc's father like? Is this guy somehow an improvement?

Eg sometimes we can be with a nasty violent man, and a calmer one appears like a huge improvement. Their version of using us is then unfortunately invisible until we're locked in.

Speaking of which, contraception!!

I don’t see much balance in this relationship; you are providing funding, a flat for almost half the week, cooking and food, supplies, utilities, cleaning, emotional support, security… and your boyfriend provides friendship? Does he acknowledge the imbalance? He could be doing all the bathroom cleaning and vacuuming , for example, to support you - is he? Is he bringing over the ingredients and planning and making at least one meal a week to contribute?

I feel bad for his childhood losses but this sounds like a case of arrested development, where you behave like his care giver, and he refuses to take responsibility for his own life and needs. Well, he has got you to take care of them. I can foresee pressure on you to allow him to move in so that he can save that rent money and pay off bis debts, but please resist this. You will feel even more used. And he won’t learn how to take care of himself financially.

I am surprised that he is not working 3-4 nights a week in the pub (or even another pub) to repay those debts. If he really wanted to break this dysfunctional cycle, there are options.

Presumably you do not want to have children, because that sounds financially impossible. His unofficial debt to his friend’s mum won’t be counted by UC so you will be worse off if you live with him. Many women would like to be financially supported after child birth so that they can take time to physically recover and take care of each child, which is not unreasonable. This man is unlikely to feel empowered to make the work choices that allow you to do this. He is currently only able to focus on his own needs, which is not a good trait in a father.

Unfortunately perusal of this site demonstrates that once children arrive, women do a disproportionate amount of child care, and home and life management; if you are contributing more in these unpaid areas, I guarantee you will resent splitting your scarce financial resources to support your boyfriend like an extra child too. If the relationship is out of balance now, please be aware that this often becomes much worse if there are shared children.

He sounds like pleasant enough man, but immature and irresponsible. These are his problems to solve. And it is quite likely that he knows exactly what he is doing and he feels entitled to your time, energy and money. 🚩🚩🚩

In terms of the debt I’ve not spoken to her personally about the debt but I believe it to be true because when he’s goes super low on money she will let him use her card to get food or petrol

How does this not give you the massive ick? It’s actually pathetic. This man can’t afford to be in a relationship. He can’t afford a baby, a bed, or even underpants.

What do your parents think about him?

He seems to be a vulnerable and slightly damaged character. Poor boy that he was, losing his mother so young…

Whereas you are coming into your peak years as a woman in terms of desirability, especially as slightly older men begin to want to settle down. If you are going to look elsewhere, now is a good time to start.

But it all depends what you want. You can still be his friend if you break up.

NB. I was previously a primary teacher and would also say there’s something a bit off and lacking in boundaries in what you describe of his approach to work, especially if he is working 1-1 with pupils. It is good to care, but someone who is overly invested can also raise safeguarding flags. He needs to draw a line and begin leaving at 3pm, if he is paid until then it is literally what is expected of the role.

This is probably outing, but I have been in this exact scenario.
I hate to say it but genuinely the reason for them having debt/no money and living above the pub…

cocaine!

I know you think it couldn’t be. I thought the same. I bet money on the fact it is cocaine!

Well OP either you accept that any relationship with this man means subsidising him significantly and any future with him means being primarily responsible for all finances or you let this one go. I know what I'd do at the age of 25. You want a partner - not someone bad with money, who can't support himself in a normal basic lifestyle, and whose ambition seems to be to take a pay cut. And if my son was dating someone like this, I'd feel the same.

How is he being so picky about his clothes, even to his pants being designer, on this income and with this debt?

He says he wants a nurturing job and doesn't care about money but he insists on CK pants and got into a ton of car debt?

I can’t believe what I’ve just read. His debts and his mental health are not your issue OP- he could easily get himself sorted. It appears you feel some kind of responsibility towards him. You don’t. End the relationship. It doesn’t appear you get anything from this. Please put yourself and your child first you deserve more.

Yes this was what I was trying to say earlier. There is something really off about all of this. Loan sharks do this and of course as you mention some sort of slavery situation. What would this woman do to him if he just kept his salary and didn’t repay her?

If he did move in with the OP under the new proposed cohabitation laws after 3 years he can claim some of her home and savings.

Think about your future.

Don’t let him move in or share finances. He’s a financial mess and doing NOTHiNG to sort it out. Between you and his friend, you’re entitling his behaviour. Had he got a different attitude, doing an evening job, looking for a better paid job etc, then things would be different, but instead he’s thinking of reducing his hours!

Please don’t come back in five years time telling us about your cocklodger boyfriend, and how all your hopes and dreams are in tatters, plus you’ve taken on all his debts… .

The guy would only have to work an extra two hours per day, four days per week at nMW and within a year he'd have paid off his £5k debt to his landlady.

That's not even mentioning the holidays and weekends he could do.

If this is how you feel at 25 you’ll be feeling a whole lot more fed up with it at 40 with 2 kids together.
Why doesn’t he want to qualify as a teacher? That lack of ambition would bother me. TA, while a very important role, is a minimum wage job for mums to fit around childcare, not a profession. It’s very much a second-income role.

The current problem is easily fixed - but him a bottle of men’s shower gel and ask him to replace it when it’s done. Then also just ask him if he can do his own washing as you’re finding it doesn’t work to do his as well.

I’ve read all your posts, OP. You have your own child, please do mot try to look after this one.
At 28 such little motivation to change his life is not attractive and won’t lead to a happy life.

(I’m also concerned about the whole story of owing £5K to the rich pub owners and sleeping on a mattress etc. Someone mentioned slavery, I’m not sure there isn’f some kind of exploitation of a vulnerable person going on here.)

Reading more, it's not just that he earns too little. It's that he's in debt with no plan to get out and still wants to live above his means. He might seem appealing in some ways, but ultimately he's immature. He's not enough of an adult to do what's necessary to pay off his debt and put himself in a position to have a serious relationship and a child.

You aren't being selfish to want a full partner. He doesn't seem capable of offering that.

He sounds so passive. It will drive you crazy in the end. You have ambition and drive to better your lot, he has none.
It’s great that he’s a nice guy but I don’t think he’s the one for you.
Here is a straightforward solution to his financial problem: declare bankruptcy on his car and card debt, work shifts in the pub to pay off the landlady. Other pubs are available. Done.
When he talks about taking a pay cut what he means is are you willing to subsidise him even more? Forever?

To put your relationship into a simple pros and cons list-

Cons-
He earns £1400 a month and is hoping to move jobs to decrease this
Owes £30k in consumer debt and has defaulted on his debts so will have a horrendous credit score for a long time, scuppering any chances of joining you on a mortgage
He owes £5k to his landlady, his mother's friend who is probably trying to help him with lower rent as she feels guilty that her friend and his mother has died and feels responsible for him, he takes advantage of this
He wants expensive things and prioritises these over what he actually needs and borrows money from people in his life to pay for those things
He expects you to cook and clean and keep a roof over his head
He is making no effort to deal with his debt
He's asking for a child despite being unable to support one
He'd rather do unpaid work that paid work or help you with childcare by coming home early
He's affecting your financial situation
He hasn't taken any accountability or shown any actions to show he is ready to be a responsible adult

Pros
You think he's nurturing

But he only wants do work a job he likes even after his school job Ah, I’ve had one of these, many years ago before I’d implemented my no nonsense policy. The arrogance in thinking that you’re so special that you couldn’t possibly be expected to do a job you didn’t enjoy. Zero understanding that lots of people do just that. He is poor. He doesn’t have the luxury of only doing jobs he likes, because he has bills to pay. I would dearly love to have a job where I played with puppies all day. But I can’t because I don’t have anyone to subsidise my choices. So I have to do what everyone else does and get on with it.

I’m quite sure that the thought of him working in the pub one or two nights a week, where he sleeps on a mattress on the floor and isn’t allowed overnight guests, has probably occurred to the woman he owes money to. If he’s not doing it, then there’ll be a reason. Either he’s lying to you or he thinks the job is beneath him.

If you ever have a baby with this man, he’ll be poncing off you for the rest of your life.

He can’t afford a girlfriend. He’s living beyond his means and he’s absolutely fine with poncing off you. Not the best trait to have in a long term partner. Why isn’t he bringing his shower gel and his tooth paste and his washing powder etc round to yours? Presumably he’s washing his only set of clothes at home?

Your decision is whether you want to be forever financially responsible for another adult who is capable of earning enough to support themselves, or whether you want an equal partner who understands that he has responsibilities.

How can you possibly find this man child loser sexually attractive?

There are so many red flags I don't know where to start, but something you mentioned that that may seem innocuous to others but that sent a shiver down my spine, was him asking you what's for dinner and then turning his nose up at the thought of eating the same thing. Asking what's for dinner and then rejecting what's offered, like it's your responsibility to feed him, is one of the ways that manipulative men train their partners to wait on them hand and foot. Even if that's not what's going on with him, don't you find it a massive turn off?

If he moves in with you, I suspect you'll find he turns out to be another child for you to be responsible for.

So the landlady and the OP are raising an eternal teenager. You both need to kick him out and write off the financial losses as a lesson learned.