AIBU to be angry my husband opposes my major promotion?

Divorce the husband get a nanny.

Why do men’s job take priority even when they’re not the principal earner?!

Huh? Did this make sense in your head? Yes he has to step up either way, fully stepping up would involve him picking up a bigger load than the op is asking him to for her new job. She’s more than pulling her weight either way. What in your head isn’t being fair to him?

The difference is that you do all the parenting, cooking etc…,whether he is there or not, and your dh is helping.
Thats not the case of the OP. Her dh is not doing all the parenting, cooking, mental load and the likes. SHE is.

So yes the impact on him being ‘a single dad’ 2 days a week is going to be hard. Because he doesn’t do that ever.

It’s not going much different than what he has to do if they separate though. How could be cope either a 50/50 arrangement ahd lookingbadter his own dcs 3/4 days a week. One can only wonder. Esp wo a cleaner, a gardener etc… that he enjoys thanks to the OP input.

Just a very selfish man, I expect there are lots of them.

So he needs to step up and do these things, irrelevant of OPs job, yet somehow her being out of the house 2 evenings a week, forcing him to step up is unfair? This makes no sense. Either its fair that he pulls his weight or its not.

This!

Congratulations OP and in your shoes this is the hill I would be willing to die on.

Your DH is living a comfortable life that works well for him, I doubt he even gives a passing thought to how his choices impact the family.

Time to put those management skills to good use and enlighten your DH on just how many plates you are spinning.

OP would you say no to him
if the roles were reversed? I have to solo parent several days a week as my partner does shift work. School runs, bedtime, meals, housework etc usually 2 days and 3-4 nights. It won’t change. I also work almost full time.

I don’t think you are asking for too much. I know of husbands who work away for weeks at a time and the wives have to get on with it. The benefit is you have more money to spend on doing fun things when you are together. And perhaps paying for childcare to give him some time to himself or a cleaner to reduce the household burden.

To my mind it’s about balancing being with your kids with what the extra money can give you as a family.

I can talk with some authority here as I was always the solo parent to my daughter throughout her childhood. Parenting your child alone for two days a week, being able to but in any support or services required, is really not that difficult. Or unusual- millions of parents that are separated to whose partners work away regularly, do it.
He needs to embrace it and enjoy the time he spends with his children, and the positives it could bring to his long term relationship with them.

Exactly this. What would a man do? Do that.

Congratulations on the job, amazing achievement. You should just go for it and I’m so sorry he’s not happy for you. My husband recently supported my promotion (only an extra £6k but has now led to a way more significant promotion only a year on) where he was required to solo parent 5 days a week. No one blinks when a man does it, but when a woman does, we must all hate our children. I hadn’t realised that having children meant for some people that I needed to never prioritise myself ever again, or god forbid, want a promotion because my work and sense of accomplishment I get from it is a huge part of my daily happiness…

@Naunet I have posted earlier that he should step up, whether there was a promotion or not.

I was just posting that it shouldn't be a given that one parent (male or female) can just announce that their job now involved them being away for 2 days a week

can't he go part time if you are suddenly earning lots more?

Frankly, since his job is both low paid and inflexible I don't think he has a leg to stand on. It would be one thing if he was low paid but flexible, you can't have your passion job come completely ahead of all the family's needs.

Yet somehow OP manages 7 days week. Or is it different because even though he stays in bed drinking coffee in the morning, by the power of existing in the same house, hes somehow helping?

Very few people plan to be a solo parent because it is hard.

I wouldn't have been impressed if DH sprung this on me, that he would be away 2 days/nights a week every week.

I also have to say I wouldn't be impressed with the employer if this hadn't been made clear at the time of the promotion either. What if OP was a single parent? What other expectations will there be that they haven't made clear

This!

Sorry, but why is it OPs job to ensure her lazy husband never has to put his own kids to bed, or do any house work or cooking? Why is it all on her shoulders? Is that fair for some reason?

Irrelevant if she takes this job or not, he absolutely needs to step the fuck up, start getting up with his kids in the mornings, put them to bed a few nights a week, and share cooking and cleaning.

Definitely go for it OP. Your husband’s wants/needs shouldn’t trump yours. Especially as your career sounds like it has long term potential! Don’t give that up for a man who isn’t supporting you with what you want or what your family would benefit from.

You are completely right and it wouldn’t be considered outrageous if a man was being offered a promotion. I do feel like mumsnet can be a place where feminism came to die…

So let me get this right. You earn a lot more, do most of the childcare stuff (or pay for it), while he does a job he loves and not much else. When do you get to prioritise YOUR needs and life? It isn't about the inequality of earnings, it's about the equality of choice.

@Bigjob1234

You go for it! My esDH took a job that meant 3 days a week away for a larger salary, I worked full time, two young sons. Did anyone say "Oh he shouldn't take that job, a father needs to be home!"? Nope, no one said that. Everyone said what a smart move and how the family would benefit. But I bet if I had done such a thing I would have come in for a lot of criticism. It's as you say, a mother 'working away' is a cardinal sin and means the children will be 'neglected'. Bollocks! My cousin was a single father to two young children for a number of years after his wife died. He did a wonderful job, all on his own whilst working full time.

Your DH needs to pull his damn socks up and realize that sometimes 'the man' has to fulfill the roles of mother and father for the good of the family. This raise will improve your lifestyle (or make your current one more secure) AND will benefit your children in the long run; more money for school fees, help with uni fees, the ability to put money aside for house deposits for them should you choose to do that. Not to mention a more secure retirement for you and your DH when that time comes. And believe me, a financially secure retirement for their parents is more important to one's adult children than people realize, especially when that day seems far away.

Congratulations!

We'll done OP. I would do this as it will help build a great future for your DC (Uni costs, driving lessons, house deposits etc).

If your DH doesn't agree than I would seriously consider separating. Could her reduce his hours at work?

Congratulations and go for it OP.

Having two school age kids on your own for two days a week is hard? With enough money to pay for cleaning help and a baby sitter/childminder/nanny sometimes?
God forbid you ever become a full time solo parent!

Personally I think you do too much! Does he do any of the mornings or evenings? I would say flat out that you have been picking up the slack for his career for years and it is now his turn. It's not like you are even asking him to do more than half - it is less than half the mornings and evenings in a week. I think you should go for it and if he doesn't support you, maybe the whole relationship needs reconsidering.

Congratulations on your promotion 🥰 wishing you all the best on your new role.

Don't pass it by whatever you do!

When you say he’s in a low paid job then he does site work
there isn’t many low paid site jobs are you comparing it to your 200k salary