AIBU to be angry my husband opposes my major promotion?

op, if there’s other stuff you daren’t tell us which show him in an even worse light, PLEASE take the job and simultaneously seek help. Put yourself first for once, it sounds like you never ever do. He puts himself first every single time. You are clearly incredibly strong and capable, this man is ruining you.

You mean you expect posters to change their whole life after a few posts on MN?
Are you only here for the drama from that decision or are you actually trying to support? Because it looks to me that only drama,’oh I’ve LTB’ type of posts

fwiw people who decide to do xyz after a few posts are usually people who had already made that choice and just needed a confirmation/nudge.
The others will take time to think, to assess the huge variety of answers. As it should be when you’re taking huge decision. They’ll take the time to have a chat with their partner. Again as it should be unless the relationship is already totally fractured.

That sort of answers is there only to shame women. Something many posters seem to be keen on doing on MN. Shaming them for not reacting quickly enpugh. For past decisions. For not being able to read the future.
It doesn’t help. Actually it often does the opposite that answers like yours are ‘supposed to do’

Have you considered that the dc who is clingy to you is like this because his dad doesn’t really bother with him so you’re his only safe place?
Whereas if your dh was stepping up, hed have TWO people to turn towards.

this. I don't know who did the training but he seems to have got you trained.

As I said, I think the key issue is that I've had it remarkably good/flexible until now

I think you need to reframe this.
Personally I think your husband has had it remarkably good/flexible until now. He doesn't have to earn a lot and can do a job he loves, because you pick up the financial slack. He doesn't have to parent and only does the bits he enjoys, because you pick up the slack. He doesn't appear to have to pick up any of the mental/physical load of running the household.because you either outsource it or do it to yourself. When is it your turn?

yes, this, how often is the aibu just the tip of a very large iceberg? And one of the mitigations is "but he's a great dad "

Bloody hell. I wasn’t expecting that. Do you realise he sounds like a 15 year old babysitter? That’s not a competent parent. How can you be attracted to this man?

@Bigjob1234 I’m following your dilemma. I’m comparing to my own family member who has young children and will potentially soon be choosing between a very good job and being, as her sister says “minted” in another job.

The “very good job” will offer flexibility such as wfh when child is sick, understanding that you slip out for nativity and sports days. “Minted” job will probably mean she has to rely on taking days off or watching recordings taken by relatives.

So my family member decision is not the same as yours, it has just made me reflect on the way men and women in the past (including myself) are treated so differently/accept different pressures when they are raising children and working.

I’m seeing more and more families accept that one person of the couple needs to step up at home to support their partner. It might be because the partner has found a job with travel responsibilities that will result in higher pay, a role that will clearly pay off in the long run or needing to acquire a formal qualification. The partnership takes the ambition on board.

The partner with the higher pay does not have to be male BUT if they are it would be “the norm”. When the higher earner is female and dad does the nursery pick ups or manages kids alone in the supermarket it is still the exception.

So in your case I want you to be ambitious. Your partner should be proud and ambitious for you. I am cross with him for not saying “hell yes take the job and rushing out for a bottle of bubbly. Keep topping up your pension pot because who knows how you will feel ten years down the line.

Was this a man getting a better/higher paid role, I have no doubt that there would be no thread on Dadsnet wondering if wifey should make some adjustments (and in this case it does not sound as if they are huge) at home.

Congratulations on your career journey. Get on to a nanny agency.

Also, just to say that I am losing half my pension to my ex. I’m losing half of everything despite me having provided most of it. This is fair if he’d been a SAHP to allow me to progress but that’s not what happened. It’s gutting. Please don’t make the same mistake as me. Protect your energy. You matter too. Your needs, wants, wishes matter too.

I’d love to hear his plans for retirement and how the kids Uni years will be funded…he sounds like he thrives in the present, with you making a lot of it possible.

“there is other stuff which I darent say now”

I am really sorry that you don’t feel able to say. I hope that you find somewhere to unpick this. I used to use different threads for different themes or instances and change my name a lot.

I think those words are really helpful to remember that behind every ‘he leaves cupboard doors open AIBU’ post, there is often more than just the cupboard doors. If we want spaces where women in particular can voice their experience and have other women support them to notice where patriarchy is causing us harm, we have to be considerate in how we express ourselves. Challenge is good but berating someone or blaming them because they don’t immediately take on board feedback or say they will LTB, or doubting whether it’s the truth, has exactly this impact. It shuts us down. Trolls will always pop up of course, but this will make me even more careful in future.

I have been helped so much by posting AIBUs on here around my ex and was able to then spot the emotional abuse I was experiencing and how my labour was being exploited. I’m now free (ish) from that. There are probably hundreds of similar stories. We are powerful together!!

OP, please find somewhere to talk all this through. It’s scary to start questioning things but I so wish I’d started sooner. I wasted so much time, energy and angst trying to do it all and it impacted on my health (a lot to do with walking on egg shells constantly and the emotional labour).

And please read or listen to Fair Play if you haven’t. Get him to. It’s a really quick listen and if your DH does get it, there is a great system for dividing stuff up fairly. It doesn’t cover the emotional labour of managing ‘mantrums’ though.

Op, i think this is a fantastic opportunity and I think you should go for it.

But. Only a rebalance in your relationship will mean you can do this successfully, without burnout. Many women at that level end up continuing to do everything at home, in addition to keeping a very stressful job. Something always ends up giving way, no matter how strong you are and often they end up feeling that they are doing neither role - parenting or work - particularly well.

I have never reached your height of earnings, but I have out-earned dh now for well over a decade and we are financially very comfortable. During that time we've raised two children while I've commuted 2 hours each way twice per week. Dh is hands on in the traditional sense - cooks, cleans, does drop offs and pick ups - but not the mental load, the planning, the remembering-everything-for -everyone. Please don't underestimate the pressure that this alone adds.

Nonetheless, he's always supported me 100% and we've worked together to make it work. Quite simply, I could not have done it without his support and active involvement in our children's lives.

If your dh is already unsupportive, then I'd question whether he will actually step up and do what's needed to support you. Without his clear and unequivocal agreement to more practical support, my fear would be that you end up joining the very many high earning working mums who simply cannot (nor should not) be all things to everyone all at once. It's setting yourself up for failure.

You make over 100k - you have likely got excellent private health.

Research a few therapists in your area - phone and have an initial chat to check you have rapport.

then Phone up your provider and request authorization for sessions for therapy for anxiety and depression relating to relationship problems.

I think you need an external party to see the wood for the trees.

Also I dont need a child psychology degree to know why your child is clingy.....🙄
Hint: it's got nothing to do with your presence

and she would be the one doing everything at home alrady and ensuring her career is flexible and fits around the kids, because he's the breadwinner.

If it were the other way around I bet he would want to take the job.

I asked before, but you probably missed my question in all the responses. Do you think your relationship can survive the resentment you will feel if you don’t take the job?

Your up or out point is also spot on. If you decline at this stage it’s likely the end of the road at this company. You can’t plod in these senior positions. You could ask for a flexible arrangement where you have one travel free week per month (without knowing your job it’s hard to know whether that’s reasonable).

Congratulations! I would go for it. Your lifestyle wouldn't change but the increased savings could do so much for the children in future.

How did it come about that he "doesn't do" night waking or early mornings or getting the kids ready for school?
Why have you let him not do it?

Congratulations on your promotion, btw!

No OP, my DH is a hands-on dad. He has got up in the night to change DD when I was breastfeeding, he does all the clothes washing and makes sure DD has her sports kit and school uniform ready when she needs it, he does his share of getting her to and from said sports, he takes his turns with making dinner, I can leave him and DD for several days and I do no prep beforehand.

He also out-earns me about 3:1 and was absolutely on board when I got promoted and need to be in the office more often.

Your DH sounds like a stereotypical lazy man who "would do things if you just tell [him] what to do".

I think it's great about your job. I definitely think you should go for it.

My DH has a 'big' ish job and I have a medium big job. Before he took his latest position we did work out a schedule so that we could make it work. I do most of the family admin. He works long hours but does what he can. We make it work. He loves his job. I love that. I don't want to hold him back.

Agree with this. If you’re staying with him Op, then you need to get more help to avoid burnout - get an au pair or live in nanny to share the load (that he absolutely should be sharing!)

I don’t understand why you praise this and why you haven’t got the absolute ick. 15 year old babysitters do better than this, they use their brain more proactively and they do more jobs and they get the kids to do more jobs and they serve better food. The truth is he’s just a useless shit dad who is too lazy to usefully parent at all, and you need to confront that. Can’t cook can’t clean can’t organise the kids can’t get them to anywhere useful can’t plan can’t deliver to a calendar zero responsibility zero fucks. Zero love personally - if he actually loved you or the kids he’d do something for you surely , but men like this care the most about themselves.

yeah cos hes a great dad