AIBU to be angry my husband opposes my major promotion?

Go for it OP - at least you know you could afford to be a single mother when you finally decide to dump the unsupportive peasant.

Oh yes, they would have definitely told us.
Plus, their account of being fine, and secure in his affection, accurately fits their behaviour both at the time and now. So, no doubts here.

@LongDarkTeatime do you think they would have told you if they hated it

When our DC were young my DH was away >30% of the time. It was more challenging due to their recurrent health issues.
Just asked the now 16yrs + DC if it negatively impacted on them. They say ‘Nah, always knew he was coming home cos he loves us’ then ‘and there were some really good presents 😁’. Yes they’re close
I would sometimes resent it in the 5-10 years it happened. I definitely swore. But I’m also loving the freedom his salary brings (not nearly as big as yours though).
If it was the other way around, and your DH had the opportunity, would you hesitate to support him?

Can you put it to him in the context of he does what he really enjoys for work and you have made it possible for that to happen. You are not asking for that to no longer happen, but you have different ambitions and have a chance to do something that YOU would really enjoy and be challenged by. But you need a small amount of support and rebalancing in the home to make that happen.

But I would also come to that conversation with a his/hers list of the current situation. Income. Physical work in the home. Mental organisation and planning and implementation. Ability to respond to changes (kids I’ll, school days off etc). Time for yourself/hobbies/meet friends. Show the (I’m)balance of your current situation, and how you just want him to be a little more present in the family so that you can also be fulfilled at work.

Absolutely take the job or you will regret it forever. He does not get to dictate your life like this.

Get
A
Nanny

Nothing else is going to work. Your DH already cherry picks his parenting so he gets to be a Disney Dad, avoids much drudgery (for example, his morning routine is having coffee and going) and has plenty of me time. He is NOT GOING TO WANT TO CHANGE THIS. He doesn't care about the extra money as he has said enough times that he considers your current incomes fine. If you inconvenience him in the slightest with your new job then he is going to kick like a mule and make your life very miserable. Just don't do it. Either don't take the promotion (I really hope you don't take that route!) or get a nanny so, if anything, his life is made a bit easier.

I know it doesn't seem fair, I know it seems ridiculous that he can't do a bit extra to facilitate you taking your dream promotion but he has said pretty much loudly and clearly that he doesn't want to and if you force him to then he's not going to be a happy camper and nobody spreads the misery around more than a disgruntled DH who perceives their unhappiness to be the fault of their DW.

Congratulations. You didn't get to this point in your career without a great deal of hard work and energy. You have earned this.You deserve it.

If you turn down the promotion, you will always wonder "what if?" and I can't see how you could not feel resentful towards your husband for ever after.

Please take and enjoy this great opportunity. Your happiness and career satisfaction will have a positive effect on your children, now and in the future.

He’s not parenting you mean! He’s behaving like a guest relative would! The kids when a “parent” who doesn’t parent don’t miss them when they go away as they are VERY well aware of the failings of their father as they see other kids dads actually parenting them - without having to be told to do the basics!

Of course he opposes the idea, his nanny/chef/housekeeper can’t leave the house, what will he do? He is absolutely not oblivious - he knows how much work YOU do for everyone and doesn’t want a part of it

I see you’re one of those.
Does he do a fair share of the mental load? Does all the cooking, ironing, takes the kids to clubs Tuesday, Thursday (twice), Friday, Saturday and Sunday. There are no activities the other days. Sorts the garden, anything DIY related etc. Ensures any kids school events are on the calendar etc. I do the cleaning because I enjoy it a lot of the time.
Has both of his parents dying restricted me a bit? I guess you could say it has. I’d argue it’s inconvenienced him more though!

He’s a teacher and remains “just a teacher” (as in no leadership scale, I’m not underplaying the job as I wouldn’t last 5 minutes) as it’s the better thing for us as a family, my earnings potential is far higher.

Never, ever set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Take the job.

Hi OP. Congratulations on the job offer. I have not read all 25 pages but have read your comments.

This is a potentially life changing offer for you. It is not just the salary, it is the pension contributions being based on the new salary, life cover and so on, and , whom is to say this is where you find your level? You may even go on from this!

If accepting the job offer will mean a change to his lifestyle, assuming you want to stay married you will need to get him on board somehow. My way or the highway attitudes are not great for harmonious marriages. You will need to look at his concerns, and how these can be managed and/or mitigated. If he will have greater childcare responsibilities, maybe he can look to drop hours or a day at work, or you have an agreement that he gets some scheduled hobby time and so on.

You can work to some kind of compromise where it works for you both. But him just coming in with a blanket no is not good. It is a life changing promotion, surely a good man would be happy that his family's future is secure?

trying to compensate for being a working mum by also doing everything else [...]
One DC is particularly clingy to me so I need to consider that too.

Your feelings about DH and your marriage may be just clouding the issue.
Try a thought experiment:
Take DH out of the equation entirely. He just does not exist. You have nannies and childcare etc. but DH has never existed in your life.

Now think - do I want to take this job?
Thinking about the long-term effects on just you and the DC, good and bad, costs and benefits.
If your gut tells you 'yes', then you go for it regardless of DH.
If your gut tells you 'no', then it would be a mistake for you and the DC, and that even a perfect DH will not be able to magically make it work for you and the DC.

He's a "hands on dad" who won't even feed his children healthy food or comfort them when they're unsettled at night.

He sounds useless OP. That's less than the bare minimum.

It’s restricted you a bit. Has it restricted him too?

Does your husband do a fair share of the mental load and domestic labour?

This is a tricky one. He clearly doesn’t have a right to say you can’t take the promotion but he does have a right to question whether it’s the right thing to do overall. I’m the higher earner in our family (roughly twice DH) and there’s opportunities I’ve looked at that would have been promotions and more money but decided against as it wasn’t the right thing for our family overall. It’s very difficult to manage, we have had no help with childcare so have always had to balance that, which has restricted me a bit.

Yes!

OP, this man is a user living off you.
Do not lose this chance for a user loser.

He's not a great father, he is a bare minimum dad who uses his childrens mother as a workhorse.

A good man, husband and father would not do that.
Don't be blinded to the truth.

It’s ridiculous that he doesn’t pull his weight yet benefits hugely from your salary.

This is your dream job and the next step after this one would likely mean you can negotiate more family friendly terms.

He either needs to go out and earn a lot more money or suck it up and do more parenting.

Do you want your DC to grow up with the dynamic of the women does everything whilst the man does the bare minimum at home and a hobby job?

I promise I am not joining a pile on OP - because I have a lot of understanding about your position. When my children were born, I took on loads - I wanted to be able to do everything. Keep the big job, spend time with the children, have a (reasonably!) clean house, loads of activities - why couldn't I do it all!! And, I could! I did loads for years, my husband even worked away for a year when they were young. Which I encouraged as...i could do it all!

What I eventually realised though is...why? There are no prizes for putting yourself through a relentless treadmill, and I think I was so used to being seen as competent and capable at work that I carried this over to my family life.

My children are now mid primary and I am much more relaxed! House is a mess, but husband does loads more, I accept I don't see much of the family a few days a week but try and make up for it with lots of quality time the rest. I think it is a more sustainable way to live.

Re your husband, he really does need to step up. Whether it's obliviousness or maliciousness is for you to decide. I do have some level of understanding for the obliviousness - many years ago I remember being horrified that my then 21yo husband was letting his quite ill mother wait on him. I talked to him about it, and he became horrified - he has genuinely never considered it as his whole life she had done everything. Yes he should have seen it himself but I do see how it came about.

He did change his behaviour though. I think you need to calmly lay out with your husband all the things you are doing and taking care of, and ask the genuine question why he thinks it is fair that you do the breadwinning job, the night feeds, the organising, the housework, the cooking...etc etc, while he has a lazy coffee in bed every morning and does somes chores (badly!) when asked like a dopey teenager. He will probably initially be defensive, as it is quite confronting, but how he takes that message on I think will be quite telling

As an additional point, my ex husband who is kind of an ok guy, not good enough obvo, BUT, he stepped up as a father following our divorce. He was a Disney dad when we were together, I mean why do anything when I’d do it, but once he only saw them twice a week, he totally focusses on them. Really involved. I think this happens reasonably often. Just food for thought in case you’re scared of divorce.

If you don't take this position you will always regret it. You will hold it against your DH and resent him. Then what will happen?

Go ahead with your promotion and get more help for your household.