AIBU to be angry my husband opposes my major promotion?

This!

You’d be better off leaving him & getting an au pair (or live in nanny). What does he bring to the relationship as he’s not an equal partner (I don’t mean financially but pulling his weight at home)?!

I’d be more than angry. You are the main earner so he should be the flexible one. Fuck him.

Oh, sounds like he’s another one of those selfish
men who considers his partner a ‘wife-bot’ who is there to facilitate his life/make things easier for him/look after the DC. These men tend have ‘big feelings’ when normal service is disrupted - like the wife-bot malfunctions by being ill or tries to disrupt the status quo by not putting his ‘needs’ first, for once.

Men like this are selfish, self-absorbed bell-ends (been there, have the t-shirt and the divorce). Why the hell does he get to live his best life, doing the inflexible, low-paid job he loves, while you’re the main bread winner and assumedly cover child-related things as well? That’s not a team. That’s you, facilitating his chosen lifestyle.

When he says that your (massive) pay rise isn’t worth “disrupting your current lifestyle”, what he means is that he’s comfortable with things they are and he doesn’t want to put any more effort in re: looking after his own DC or have his life impacted on any way.

He didn’t even congratulate you?! Says it all, really. That’s not a partnership. That’s you and him leading parallel lives and you are covering for him financially, emotionally and pratically by covering most of the bills and childcare.

Why hasn’t he congratulated you, said he’s proud of you, asked you what YOU want to do? Because in his mind, it’s not about you. It’s about him. A wife-bot is not a human being, with thoughts, feelings, dreams. A wife-bot is a household appliance and you don’t ask the washing machine how it feels!

On your new salary you can easily afford a full time nanny. I think you have to take the job, if not you’ll always regret not giving it a try. And you don’t want to live with that sort of regret.

Out of interest, how does your husband react when you are unwell? Is he kind, supportive, caring, covers any child related stuff and household chores etc? Or is he irritated and impatient - stroppy that he has been inconvenienced? I mean, I could be wrong here?

I am so outraged on your behalf! You don't need this selfish man in your life - do you love him? You are the main breadwinner and he couldn't possibly afford his lifestyle without you. This means that your job gets priority obviously. He doesn't get to decide that your current lifestyle is good enough because he's not contributing to it!!! This would make me question my marriage tbh. My dh is the main earner on 70k so his job gets priority and I take care of the home and the children so he could focus on work. Your situation smells of sexist, entitled, selfish behaviour on his part.

You’re only going to be away two days and nights a week. You are hardly going to be an absent mother!

He might be happy in his little comfortable job as he sees it, but a lot of men get very jealous when their wives excel.

Congratulations op. Its a no brainer, id tell him youve listened to his opinion but if he wants to carry on with the lifestyle you both have then youre taking the job and its time for him to step up.

Put simply, you’re asking him to be the solo parent for 48hrs per week (and presumably 72hrs some weeks?) for the benefit of around £40k take home pay? I agree with PP that he can’t simply refuse, but equally, I wouldn’t be wild about that proposition in his position (albeit based on how my life functions rather than yours/his).

There should be a solution there to agree, but it’s not necessary a small ask.

So the issue is actually that he will have to parent his own children instead of outsourcing it to you?

Fuck that shit.

Exactly. This is what would be said if it was the man getting the promotion

Take the job. Tell him flat that his job is inconvenient since it doesn’t bring in much and also seems to prevent him from pulling his weight at home and parenting, and if he doesn’t care how much you like your job then you don’t have to care how much he likes his job and you expect him to quit and find something convenient that’s two days a week so he can do much more of the parenting ahd housework he’s been avoiding. Walk off.

I have a hard line about men pulling their weight at home and when they aren’t the main earner and don’t support your career I’d be very very unhappy.

He is BU to decide for you, and to seemingly leave all the flexing to you. It is understandable he has concerns. It will impact life a lot. He should have a proper conversation with you though, and you can work out a solution together.

I hate the term breadwinner, it belongs in the past. You need to sit down and have a conversation with him about the support your family needs if you are to take up the role. The people I know who earn that type of money and both parents work use cleaners and reliable childcare. The women I know who earn that type of salary do not flaunt their salary and tell people they earn more than their husbands (we know) and appreciate their DH’s contribution, but I appreciate their DHs may be more equal than your DH in terms of contribution to family life.

Having been the lower, although not insignificant earner with a DH who travelled abroad, sometimes weekly, everything was set up without relying on him day to day, but clearly there were compromises for me in terms of career and other areas of my life.

He is being a fool. You can buy in whatever housekeeping and childcare you will need to make it work. It will be of great benefit in the longer term.

I can kind of see your DH's concerns. I once said no to my DH taking a job (though wouldn't have stopped him if he had) because his doing so meant that I would have no options, choices or predictability myself. He wasn't offering anything to balance what it would cost me. It was much higher paying, so met his goals, but would have cost me all of mine. I might as well have been a single mother if he'd taken it as at least I'd have got help with childcare then.

Do you know why your DH has said no? If so, maybe you can talk about how to overcome those concerns?

I can’t get over the fact he’s not looking at ways to make this happen. What an amazing opportunity for you. Could you do it anyway? Do you have other support if he turns out yo be so self involved that he bails rather than works it out?

Anyway, congratulations! What an amazing thing 😍

Sit down, work out how much more the salary raise will actually be following tax. If you include a childminder for wraparound care or your Dh can step up to do more, then I think it’s worth it. It’s very poor of him to immediately dismiss a fantastic promotion and your achievement but I can understand him panicking at his life changing. However, his reaction is really disappointing.

Will they, or will they be getting an absent mum?

Go for it. He’s made his decision about his low paid career. You’ve been fine with it. You make yours. His opinions are only opinions. He isnt in charge of your career decisions.

Well done OP, what a great step up!
Your DH is an idiot, he should be bursting with pride!
Maybe a reminder to him that he gets to do a job he loves because you work hard at your career and if it means he has to do more at home then so be it, I’m amazed he doesn’t do the majority! what a selfish man.
Accept the job.

Are you expecting him to do all the childcare? Will there be a lot of travel away from home involved? What is the downside of taking this position?
Perhaps he’s concerned about these things, perhaps not. You need to sit down and have a serious conversation, looking at the advantages and disadvantages both to yourself and your family. Before anyone chips in - I would say the same to a man in the same position as the OP. In my experience, someone with such a high salaried job is expected to put job first, family second. That’s what they’re being paid for.

Congratulations and bloody well done op! It is really shit of him not to be pleased for you. If he has concerns then of course he should raise them and you discuss together, as a team, how to make it work. He doesn’t get to unilaterally decide and I agree with PPs. If he is going to be a dick about it, take the job and hire in some child care.
But, is he a good, supportive DH in other ways? Does he make you happy? Bring other things to your table? Because, if not, why are you with him?

Hi OP. I am very pro ambition so I support you.

My only question is whether you will enjoy this new job. Enjoyment is important! If you do it I think it's really important you enjoy it and want to do it. Your post focuses on the stress and inconvenience. Sure these are side effects and your husband ought to support you when they occur.

But if this (and the money) is all you see in the new role you aren't going to be much fun to live with. If you are thrilled with the opportunity though then 100pc go for it.