AIBU to be angry my husband opposes my major promotion?

You say it will open doors, will those roles be more or less intense and flexible? More or less well paid?

I think you need to have a big discussion with your husband about where this is going. And maybe say give yourselves a fixed timeline to try this, eg two years.

But he definitely should have at least congratulated you.

She’s answered that. It sounds like she’s expecting him to step up to do… less than half the parenting load. He will do solo bedtimes max twice a week and solo mornings max twice a week WITH her new job. Right now it sounds like the household and parenting tasks he owns as opposed to turns up and helps with sometimes is somewhere near fuck all. I’m sure he’s very concerned about the idea of having to chip in at home.

I subscribe somewhat to the maxim "mo' money, mo' problems", and would definitely be asking my husband not to take such a job (nor would I take one myself). However, it sounds like you've been shouldering more work so that your husband can have a joyride in a job he loves, so it does seem fair enough for you to get to choose something for yourself this time.

I don’t think he’s prioritising family life though - he’s prioritising his own convenience. If he was all about the family, he would find a more flexible and/or higher-paying job. As it is, he contributes little financially or in caring terms as he’s in the office five days a week in a low-paying field and leaves both the financial and administrative/logistical burden to OP. It seems to me that this is what he’s resenting.

Why does he think he can tell you that your wants, needs & ambition are less important than his? Your high earnings allow him to happily cruise along in the job he loves. A bit of perspective & flexibility on his part is long overdue here.

Congratulations. Make it work & enjoy the promotion.

Congratulations. Do take the job, your husband will come round and get used to it.

Do it, OP! I assume you’re still reasonably young given your children’s age and therefore, as you rightly say, this can and should be a stepping stone to even better things. Childcare logistics are always tricky but why should you forego this opportunity for yourself, your family and for setting a great example to your children - no man would. And you can always get a part-time nanny or childminder to smooth things out. Well done and good luck!!

I think people are focusing on the salary uplift and not the career progression, this job could put you in the position of being able to retire early. Although he might resent that too.

This. But I wouldn’t expect your marriage to last as he will resent you, do less and less. It’s a great role and opportunity but without a supportive partner it’s going to be VERY hard. Two at school means a lot of mental load. And you are only just at the start of all the work of having kids at school.

nanny and housekeeper on that salary and tell him to up his game. Or get out.

im sorry to be negative but I can see down the road here (and I am down the road having been similar to you when my kids were small).

Absolutely take the job! Congratulations!

Your children won’t be young forever, but you may have to live with the impact of turning down a fantastic opportunity forever. Grasp the opportunity, hire extra help if necessary, and bloody well done!

Take the job, tell him he needs to find somewhere else to live and that he can live on his own salary while also providing 50/50 childcare and enjoy your new job and new life!!

In quite a lot of families in London a 70K earner would be the lower earner and they would be leading on childcare and the home while trying to balance their career with the demands of family life.

Of course he should have congratulated you.

However, I really think that decisions which have an impact on family life shouldn't be taken unilaterally. A discussion should have taken place on what it means in reality, whether the negatives are outweighed by the positives and what measures can be implemented to offset the additional strain on everybody.

That said, when you have one person who prioritises family life and another who prioritises career there's generally going to be upset as you both can't have your way.

There's more to life than money. My DH was offered a job where he'd have earned 400K. The exchange for that was basically being married to the job and on call 24/7/365 and sent away regularly at a whim. I told him if he really wanted to do it for a time to meet a goal we could talk about it, but he would effectively be married to the job rather than me. Not a long term option.

The kicker being, if he'd taken that job and I'd decided to nope it out of there, the 50/50 would have helped me immensely and he wouldn't have been able to do his fancy job.

Nobody gets to veto the other ones job without a very long conversation. But as the non-breadwinner myself I would probably feel similar to him. If my spouse said this was really important to them though I would capitulate and suggest doing it for a couple of years and then reassessing BUT with my view of how things felt for me really counting.

Both people's desires and needs are equally important in a marriage. They need to be talked about at length and honestly. The truth is though that if it all goes tits up the person who spends most time with the kids day to day will probably get custody/more time with the kids if you divorce.

It's silly to think there isn't a gender element at play here but equally H's view does matter as you share your lives.

Working from home two days a week, and obviously pretty Present when she’s at home?
I’m going for admiration, rather than petty resentment.

They’re not similar at all @TeaAndMadeiraCake - Ops DH does nothing to facilitate her job, despite her being the higher earner. His life has not been impacted at all - she has done all the things your DH has, & more (including birthing children) without a partner to facilitate.

Nothing would be said! They would take the promotion and expect the wife to get on with the wife stuff.

I think the responses would be very different if the sexes were reversed.

My DH is basically you. Devalued my job because I got less of a start due to being the one who birthed the children, his ambition stopped me being able to develop to higher earning levels, his ambition meant I was the one who always had to take jobs around childcare because he couldn't, his amibition ultimately cost me everything I'd worked towards because he was building his earning capacity and career while I was picking up everything at home which results in a lesser career by default.

End result: I resent this and luckily don't think of it often. The kids had a number of years where they barely saw him and all their memories centre around me being there. This reflects in our relationships with our children today.

How this could have been better: If he had offered ways to bridge the gap it created like being okay with paying for some childcare or home help.

Go for it and whilst you are at it tell your husband to find someone else to finance his life.

I presume that your DH could find a higher paying job to contribute more to the family finances but he prefers to remain in a much lower paid role because he loves it.

He can express his concerns but he doesn't have the power of veto so you should accept this role if you really want it. You carry the household financially so that he can do a job he loves. It's your turn to put yourself first.

If this ends your marriage, you could afford to pay for nannies/baby sitters for the nights that you are away.

Is he selfish in other ways?

I think it’s sour of him not to congratulate you but it sounds like you didn’t discuss the prospect of getting the job or its implications. He may feel a bit blindsided.

I think you need to consider how it might impact him for no personal gain, you’ll be the one getting the money and glory.

But let’s be clear, if the boot were on the other foot you’d be expected to suck it up and cope, and he should too. I think what you need is an honest conversation about how you can mitigate the impact on him and your family life, but remind him how much heavy lifting you are doing financially so that he gets to choose how and where he works.

From his perspective he’s probably thinking about the fact you’ll be working longer hours and away more so he won’t see you as much. It’s understandable why he’d feel resentful about that, especially since you don’t necessarily need the extra cash to be comfortable.