AIBU to be angry my husband opposes my major promotion?

I think you’re 100% in the right. But you’ve posted on the wrong forum, most of the women here are career-less and prefer being a SAHP as opposed earning anywhere near £200k, so they cannot relate to your perspective at all. Hence also, why you’re getting the “breadwinner vs SAHM sacrifices” comments that are irrelevant to your set up.

just take the job. Nothing further needs to be said.

personally, I think you need to fight fire with fire and the next time he says your job is inconvenient, tell him exactly how inconvenient his job is. Your job is better paid and more convenient than his, so imo it has nothing to do with the “downsides” of your job as his downsides are the same but worse! It therefore appears he is taking umbrage with something else.

Realistically because of your skill and ambition, he can do whatever he wants in life. He has seemingly forgotten how much flexibility you have enabled for him. So if you’re giving up your dreams and ambition, he’ll need to apply for better paying work outside of his dream field as it’s not right that you have to sacrifice this position whilst he gets his dream set up.

I would be taking the job and getting a divorce without a look back.

this is a man who doesn’t support you, isn’t proud of you, rides on your coat tails, enjoys his own lovely life off your labour, a selfish man who only thinks of himself after all you do for him. He would make me feel sick and would be out of my life in a heartbeat.

Try and talk to him about it. See if you can’t make him see it’s important to you. Suggest employing a cleaner/gardener/nanny with the extra cash to free him up for his job. If he really won’t listen you have to decide if your marriage will survive the resentment.

Your kids might miss you a bit 2 days a week (nurses and doctors often miss every bed time and nobody is mad at them) but as young adults they will benefit much more from you having bag loads of money to help them with.

Congratulations @Bigjob1234. Most people on here can’t/wont understand- women’s ambition seems to be one of the last taboos.

To be honest I’d be setting this out for him. You’ve supported him for years in a job he loves and it’s now time for him st step up and do the same, try to avoid calling him a lazy selfish arsehole if you can. What he mans is his lifestyle would be harder because he’d have to do more at home, but it sounds like he isn’t carrying his weight as it is so time for things to change, unless of course he wants to fuck off in which case you can get a nanny instead (probably don’t say that either).

Well done again on the promotion offer.

Congratulations.

You need a conversation with him about how much you want this. How hard you have worked and now collectively how you can make it work for your family.

Oh, get him out of bed to help with the DC and stop trying to do it all.

Take the job.
He needs to step up, he sounds lazy and entitled.
Or bin him and get a nanny.

I'm the high earner supporting a passion career. It's pretty stressful for me feeling like I can't leave a high pressure job because my salary is needed. Both sides of these equations have their own struggles.

YANBU

Congrats.

Reality is he would probably end up doing max 2 bedtimes alone each week and 2 mornings alone each week. I would be around the rest of the time.

If he can’t handle these very few things, what would he do if something happened to you and you couldn’t work anymore?

Reads to me he just wants things to remain as they are because it easy for him now.

I would talk to a financial planner, if you don’t already have one, and show him what that extra money can do for the future especially for the children. Who knows what costs will be by time they get to be teenagers and considering occupations.

Whatever on his answer is, will tell you everything you need to know.

Yeah I mean honestly OP - he isn’t your cheerleader, isn’t so full of love and pride and doesn’t pull his weight. Practically I would divorce him quickly and long before the inevitable pension sharing agreement means you miss out on a huge chunk of cash in your retirement or worse before he positions himself as main childcarer and you end up as the less than 50% parent paying him for the benefit of not seeing your kids enough.

You will thrive on your own. If any of that resonates get legal advice and enjoy your new role.

This! Lazy fucker

Agreed

True, I just personally wouldn’t use that fact that men are shit as justification, otherwise we’re just as bad as them.

I take it that you have drifted into a situation where you are bringing to majority to the family unit, both financially and logistically. Had this ever been an issue previously? Does he know that you see him in this way?

From what I see, the majority of execs that I see in my line of work (male and female) with young kids are supported by their partner picking up most of the family side of life, as an agreed approach. Did your DH ever expect this to be his role, was it ever discussed?

The best solution for the family unit as a whole would presumably be for your DH to cut his hours to run the household whilst your career thrives - seems like a reasonable compromise for him to make. The problem that you are presumably facing is that he never saw this as his role, it was never discussed, and he prefers is current life to that life. Sounds like you need to have some bigger conversations than just the promotion.

Why is he lying in bed and drinking coffee whilst you do all the kid stuff?

OP he's been taking the piss and your new job will mean he has to pull his weight more. Tough shit.

You take the job.

You stay together and he pulls his weight in terms of being an active parent, or you split up. He can opt for 50/50 time with the kids, or less. You and the kids will be fine either way. If he can't pull his weight and you split, you will have the means to pay for a nanny or sitter if needed.

Whether you stay together or split he's been lazy and selfish and that period of his life will be over so no wonder he's not congratulating you. Selfish arsehole. 😡

He sounds lazy and doesn’t want to do any extra work at home. I’d go for it. No one would think twice if it was a man in the situation.

This! Seriously what is the point of him?

There is literally no point to your marriage. You do everything, you earn a fortune in your own right. What does he bring? Entitlement? A selfish attitude? Fuckity bye to him, excel, enjoy your life and show your children what an excellent role model you are 🥳

Assume good (albeit badly executed) intent?

He thinks you are only taking it for the money and he is trying to reassure you it will be fine without it? OK, I maybe clutching at straws here.... But maybe if he is not the ambitious type he sees this job as "hell" and can only think you would take it for cold hard cash.....and he is not seeing the bigger picture.

If you approach any discussions you have with him about this with this in mind...stupid not malicious.

Try not to let this thread make you start any conversations with a MN fury....try and keep your anger at bay for when/if he is stubborn and it may go better. He may just not be seeing it at all from you view point...but not with malicious intent.

Congratulations, you rock. Take the job. Get a divorce and a live in nanny. Sorted.

Rather than fuming you might try talking to him. I mean, I can quite see why you're wanting to fume but I also have to admit - as the lower earner in my marriage - its hard to cheerlead career progression when its detrimental to the marriage/family/puts more stress and strain on the person you love.

I think you should go for it, it isn’t like you are going to be absent for the whole week. Neither DH or I are as senior as you but we both have days in the office and jobs involving some travel which means the other is the ‘solo parent’ those days it can be a difficult balance but the children are happy and neither of us feel like we’re having to sacrifice our careers for the other.

He can get up and help the next morning, wake him, remind him he’s a dad and you have a job and he needs to start contributing, and you can point out your done supporting him to have a job he loves and is really inconvenient for the family, it’s time for him to support you to have a job you love and is not as totally convenient for the family. I’m angry for you that you’ve put up with this disrespect.

Have you discussed the long term benefits for your family of the new job?

I'm assuming with another 40k a year you'd be considering things like savings for the kids, pension pots, etc. Do you already have a cleaner? Could you afford a regular babysitter for a set date night for you both? Could you go away more often as a family? Etc etc .

I think you should take the job regardless.

Being in charge of bedtimes/mornings twice a week really isn't a huge ask for someone with a low paying job they love.

Well done on your new job.

Opening post would never be written by a man.

The way the economy is now and will be for the forseeable, there is no point at which any family has enough money to stop looking for more. If you don't need that extra money right now, your kids will need it for university fees (as loans are now no longer viable) and house deposits. Save it.