AIBU to be angry my husband opposes my major promotion?

Take the join! Childcare can be sorted, even if you have to get a nanny.

I would also be upset with my husband in your position. He can't have it all - get to live the nice lifestyle afforded by your salary, have the vocational low paying hobby job, be unavailable for the majority of home responsibility and not have to provide any support or childcare to your career.

Congratulations! You should definitely go for it. Sounds like you do everything anyway so this is no different. Use your extra salary to pay for the help you need and I would also seriously consider your options regarding your marriage. I think a PP said it already, your DH sounds like one of those men who still imagines he is some sort of 1950s man of the house and that he gets some say in your career and how the houshold is run while doing absolutely F all to contribute.

Firstly, huge congratulations!
Secondly, you’re facing HUGE double standards here from some people. If you were a man, people would be telling the woman to go part time, or stay at home with the kids if the money doesn’t matter.

Ofc you can leave your home 2 nights per week for work - this isn’t a cross country relocation. Perhaps what DH really objects is having to step up and parent his children in a more complete way.

(Very different, but also similar) My mum worked evenings growing up, which meant as soon as Dad was home from work they swapped and Dad sorted dinner, bath, bed etc. It’s was totally my normal as a child. I actually benefitted from it. My dad & I have a fantastic relationship and I used to enjoy spending quality time with him, and I’m sure it’s because we had so much time just the two of us.

Absolutely take the job. Hire a live in nanny when you’re not at home. Opportunities like this are incredible so I hope you seize it adhd enjoy the challenge. Your children would benefit from seeing how you get things done.

I’d be very disappointed with a husband who has a problem with this…I hope he’s incredible in other ways!

Well congratulations OP, that's a stellar salary and you must be very good at your role.

I've got a friend in a situation similar to yours.
For the life of me I can't understand how she can be so utterly confident, clever and assertive at her very difficult work role, but be married to such a useless, selfish lump.
Her DH works in "wildlife conservation" which sounds very worthy, but in reality he does bugger all except for a spot of birdwatching which is also his hobby.
Friends earnings pay for everything and like you she is doing all the heavy child related stuff too.

Personally, I'd be reassessing exactly what he brings to the relationship and working out whether he is worth the effort.

Firstly @Bigjob1234 congratulations! What an incredible achievement! You are absolutely right in that for men it is fine to be away for a couple (or more) days/nights a week for work but for women it is absolutely looked down on. Which is ridiculous.

Different situation but my mum worked shifts when I was younger and therefore wasn’t around constantly. My sister and I don’t remember it like that, we remember how lucky we were and now we are both so proud of her for what she did. It has inspired both of us and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Congratulations again!!

I wish this one was the first response. It nails it.

Get a nanny. That’s how we manage to both do our big jobs.

Congratulations 🎉
Go for it!
Before you say yes, can you sit down with a plan of how it would work in writing/drawn out, so he can actually see it. Then ask him what his real concern is. Is the fact you earn so much more than him the actual issue?

Congratulations, you earned that! He doesn’t get to unilaterally say no, it’s not his career. I think you need to be honest him about how relaxed he’s been able to be until now because of your efforts with both work and childcare. He’s had his time and you deserve yours.

And tbh with that kindness salary increase, you'll be able to find really good paid help that won't give you his moaning and will instead offer enthusiastic support. Pay well, hire the right person, and you and your kids will have fantastic support built in for the primary years when they need it the most. Far better a supportive nanny than a husband thst drags his feet.

This. He doesn’t contribute, he doesn’t get to dictate terms.

Yeah...no. You have every right to be fuming. I would be very disappointed in him.

Take the promotion!

Therefore the promotion is irrelevant (save for the fact that it has opened your eyes) - your problem is that the two of you are not equals in your family/marriage. Do you want to fix that, or would you be better off without him?

When does anyone ever paw [?] over the impact a man's career has on family life the way they have here because you are a woman? I think this is a MN thing. There is a constant theme that all women should work but now it seems not too much. Women should do all they can to earn money and progress in a career except when it might mean adjustments in the home and god forbid displease the husband and mean he has to increase his responsibilities even in the smallest way. I'm not sure what pay increase would compensate for any domestic changes, but £40k would be enough for me. But it isn't just about the extra money. This promotion, any promotion, is a step towards better jobs and better pay. Ignore those posts the way they are ignoring what an easy ride your husband has had and how little extra he is going to have to do should you have the audacity to strive towards your full potential.

He does the low paid, less stressful job because you enable him to do so. I would be livid in your shoes too. A nanny/au pair may be the way forward?

Congrats on your promotion - it’s wonderful that years of dedication and hard work have been recognised by your team and managers at least. You have to seize this opportunity now as another is unlikely to crop up once you’ve declined it. In fact, your long term security at the same company might be put at risk if you do not take it - and then where would your DH be if he suddenly became the sole breadwinner? He needs to grow up, frankly and recognise the privilege of his position.

An extra £40k per annum is not to be sniffed at. Plus the fulfilment. Pension. Etc.

id be furious about this, what a let down he is.

I've seen similar situations play out again and again. I'm in my 30s and so many women are still faced with skepticism (particularly from other women!) when they're faced with a decision to remain stagnant or take their career to another level.

Even in 2026, where things are supposed to be 'equal', women are still judged, consciously or subconsciously, when they don't put the needs of their family far ahead of their own.

It's a huge reason why so many of my peers are child-free altogether. You go in wanting an equal partnership where you support each others dreams. And instead, you find yourself in a position where you have to make constant sacrifices while your partner isn't expected to do the same.

Take it and sort put a childcare schedule. Start with 50 50 and outsource the parts you can't do (you can hire a nanny for those 2 extra bedtime and mornings). If he magically decides he can do those bits instead of a food shop or cleaning, then he can do that and you can cover those hours of labour.

Use it as an opening for a negotiation.

And don't forget, you don't have to stay with him. He doesn't get to just say No. He should work with you in what a plan for Yes would look like and you can decide together if it works. Or if a divorce works better.

I posted this thread early as I was up getting stuff ready for my children before a full day of work. He lies in bed, wakes up, drinks coffee and leaves. This is not a typical scenario reversed of wife giving up career to serve her husbands ambition.

it sounds mostly like he’s pissee off that he’ll have to step up and do his fair share of parenting!

Go for the new job! Even if you don’t stay in it forever it will elevate your cv and future earning power

Sounds like you need to take the job so you can afford your divorce.

I would really bear in mind op that I imagine every single one of the YABU responses was based on not really reading your responses or seeing that you do do this. I imagine they’re from wives who do/did run around like blue arsed flies supporting husbands big jobs and have simply assumed that he does the same. You even said in your blooming op that he doesn’t, but people only see what they want to see.

PLEASE TAKE THE JOB

In addition to things already said, I’m not sure hiring a nanny/home help is the solution. It will eat up most of your pay rise and you’ll miss out on precious time with your kids.

Your husband contributing properly to the household is the solution. He could cut his hours if necessary. But he cannot dictate that you cannot take this role so he can maintain his current cushy lifestyle.

To be really blunt; he wants a lifestyle job and doesn’t contribute financially, he doesn’t get to dictate terms to you. That’s the bottom line here.

I realise there’s more to it than this and the impact on his life is relevant. If he was behaving reasonably about it then it would be reasonable to take his feelings into account. As he’s been childish and self centred I think he has forfeited this.

He does sound like one of these men who hasn’t adjusted psychologically to the fact he isn’t the main breadwinner. I am familiar with the syndrome. They bring in a quarter of the money and still think they get to act like “man of the house”. Pathetically common.

You need to talk to him obviously but he doesn’t get the veto here. Either he steps up and earns more money or he makes peace with the fact you are financially in the driving seat.

He sounds rather immature and unsupportive.
Likely you took time off when dc were born, taking a pensions hit etc. Now you’ve got a steady state and have already done the gymnastics of figuring out impact to you, him, dc and external help - you deserve to do it and will kick yourself if you don’t.

Have a discussion on the full picture, your goals (I want to be top of my field, I want to bank enough to retire at 50, I want x lifestyle for us/kids) and illustrate how this accelerates this.
And in any case he can step up for more parenting, especially if he keeps the luxury of his choice of easy career.