AIBU to be angry my husband opposes my major promotion?

Did you bother to read the bit that she also does all the childcare anyway and that her husband is lying in bed as she got the dc up? Did you read the bit that this would be asking the dc’s father to ‘step up to 2 nights per week’ with her on the other 5? So, still less than half?
im going to go out on a limb and assume you do the lions share of the childcare and that’s why it would warrant discussion.
so absolutely nothing like the ops situation

Go for it congratulations. IF the stress is too much then address it when you have to. You won’t know if you’re going to sink or swim until you try it.

What do you want to do?
Do you want to take this job with all it entails ?
Does your DH know how you feel about him not wanting you to take this job?
The bottom line is people are different in the choices they make and how they handle the consequences of their choices. For some the work life/family balance is more important that career progression or financial rewards at certain points,for others career progression and financial rewards sometimes out way that balance. i could never have left my kids regularly overnight and chose part time work whilst they were young and some financial and career progression was lost. My sister worked full time ,every other week away from home, it had great financial and career advantages ,her husband was supportive . Our choices worked for both of us and our families and neither of us regretted our decisions.
Sit down together and talk through the pros and cons of this job offer and the consequences for you, your kids and your DH, tell your husband how you feel, you are clearly formidable, fight your corner with him if you think the job is right for you and your family.
Why do you think your DH hasn't congratulated you on what is clearly a great achievement ,because that does seem odd?

Sorry what? What does "will not" mean? He simply refuses to housework, childcare and gardening? Why not? And if you don't do it you have to outsource? I don't understand, what does he do to contribute?

Did he already have that job when you met or did he discuss it with you before applying?

If yes, it's lovely that you were happy with that arrangement. I wouldn't be and would never have married and had children with a man who wanted a job that meant he was away for months at a time 🤷‍♀️

That’s what you need to tell him: he had his turn prioritising his work (with your support), it is only fair that now it will be your turn.

Presume you knew you were marrying into the military and this would be part of the marriage though? It didn't get thrown at you afterwards?

I think you say that you have supported and enabled him to have the job he wants for X years and it’s his turn to support you to have the job you want for the at least the same number of years. The same goes for anyone else who thinks they are allowed an opinion on your job.

Seems to me a no-brainer. Potentially it's a choice between your inconvenient job or his. The one that wins must be the one that earns more with salary prospects - plus he's been doing something he enjoys, now it's your turn. It's not as if he even has to give up his enjoyable job if you get a nanny or something similar.

Take the job. You will resent it if you don’t. Resentment leads to divorce.

He might resent it if you do which may lead to divorce, but at least you’ll be divorced with an awesome job. Or maybe he’ll realise he was an idiot and do some self-reflection and grovel an apology and then you’ve got a better DH and an awesome job.

You should 100% go for it! We’re similar in that DH earns 250k and I earn £70k and no surprises that I do 80% of the childcare in the working week.

Huge congratulations OP. Take the job, you've worked hard for it and you're obviously the best person to fill that role.

I wonder if he has some resentment that you will out earn him by so much?

I would sit him down and explain (maybe write a list) of all the things you do and compromise on, and all the things he compromises on. Show him in black and white that it’s his turn.

Like you said, men do it all the time. But because you are the mum, you sacrifice to be around more.

Or support her. Or cheer for her.

im single, and love it, but for me the entire value of being in a relationship would be for that person to be your biggest cheerleader, and the first person to pick you up if you’re down.

the op’s husband adds NOTHING to the ops life. Doesn’t logistically contribute as you’ve pointed out, but also, doesn’t emotionally contribute.

im surprised the op hasn’t already divorced him, but would assume it’s because she’s so busy doing everything she hasn’t had time to stop and think.

Congratulations on the job! Sounds like you wanted it and should take it. I’m sure you can make it work. I bet if the roles were reversed and you were a man, there would be no raising of eyebrows. I think 2 nights a week is fine, loads of people with young families manage this. Sounds like you are very hands on when you are home.

Yes, fair enough, I missed that he didn't pick up the home stuff. My DH sure didn't put himself out when it came to work so we could have equal opportunity, so I agree that a man shouldn't balk at putting himself out so his wife can have just that. Or a woman. Both needs are important and sometimes you can't have it all.

Honestly get a full time nanny who can be flexible with hours and then you can have someone who can help with bedtimes etc when you are not around.
I would 100pc take this job and figure out how to make it work. Eg if you wfh two days then you can offer shorter days to nanny on those days for longer on a couple of others. This is all very doable OP

30 years ago when i was raising my children my then Husband was on 25k . He was military so on call 24/7 365 days a year, and when he went away it was to war zones. He didn't go for days he went for months (9 months) was the longest. I backed him 100% and yes it was a long term option.

Exactly. If my DH had taken his offered massive salary job, I think I'd have left the marriage. It would tell me all I need to know about his priorities and disregard of me. Money isn't everything.

Your situation is nothing like OPs, shes the breadwinner AND does the childcare, all so he can stay in a nice easy low paying office job he enjoys.

Are some women really this horrified by a man being expected to put himself out a bit for his wife?

Many many congratulations! This is such an impressive achievement, I am sorry he has totally failed to recognise that.

Two things strike me - this is not really about the promotion or the money. He doesn't really contribute in any significant way to family life - neither in terms of parenting, money or household jobs. He then has strong resitance to change and is totally unable to think about you in terms of anything but how your choices impact on his life and preferences. That is actually wild and no kind of partnership.

Secondly he has no long term vision or imagination. That kind of money will benefit him in all sorts of ways - holidays and house improvements in the short term, security and all the benefits of wealth in the long term. He is not even doing the bare minimum as a parent or partner.

I also presume that you will do all the set up to make the two days work for the kids and therefore him. He gets to do so shockingly little already.

If you don't take it will it be a significant curb on future progress? I can't imagine your bosses being delighted. Might it cause reputational damage too? How would you actually feel if you don't take it?

Sometimes jobs are not right for families what ever the financial benefit - shift patterns, re-location, additional caring responsibilities, huge amounts of absence from the home etc. Sometimes there is no real choice and people just need the money. Neither of these are true for you, but he has provided no real case for you not to take it.

Please take the job. And I guess when you have the energy, after sorting out your life so it works for him (again) you need to tackle what his contribution actually is to your family, relationship and life.

He may have not congratulated you as he’s come to expect this from you now - he takes it at face value that you’re a high achiever, high earner, ultra successful etc. He values having you home every evening and thinks that’s worth more than money.

Sit down and explain how it’s about more than money for you and you want him to show he’s proud of your achievement. Explain the benefits such as your future prospects if you take the job. And how It’ll be a good bonding experience for him to spend two nights alone with the kids.

Did you discuss the role before applying?

My DH is the breadwinner. I don't work at all at the moment (though I'm planning what I want to do when both children are at school). I would still be really unhappy if he applied for a promotion that would include more time away without discussing it with me. Anything that affects the family should be a joint decision.

I'd always support him if he spoke to me about it first (unless it was something that involved working away for months). But I could imagine reacting like your husband if he told me after the fact.

OP, I am concerned, what does your husband do, if he won't clean, do gardening or childcare or earn much?

I’m with the pp who say you can throw some money at the admin side of things. You could get a nanny/housekeeper sort kids stuff and house stuff too, even make meals, do washing etc. it’s a massive cost but as you say, you don’t need the money as such, it’s an investment for the future. So throw some of that money at the problem - that sorts the immediate logistical issue. Had a friend do that, they were both high earning lawyers, they had a nanny for their kids which became a hybrid role when kids went to school. She remains a firm close family friend now the kids are adults. Get the right person and they become part of your family.

then the husband. If he is normally a decent guy, then think rationally rather than emotionally. He does a low paying ion which has meaning, which suggests he is a moral person and not a twat. Sit down and have an adult conversation, calmly, and say to him what you’ve said here: you feel his role is prioritised, this job is future proofing that decision to do a low paid role, you feel personally disappointed in his reaction. Say it the right way, and any decent person will respond appropriately.

people don’t like change. My husband is fabulous in almost all ways but when I chose to move from a high paid profession to retrain in a lower paid but socially important role, his reaction was lukewarm. I was so hurt. Ended up having an adult chat where I came to understand his worries (extra pressure on him doing an already heavy hours job) and he understood my need to do a role which had meaning. We moved on, and are now in the groove. Communication is key.