AIBU to be angry my husband opposes my major promotion?

Can you get him to actually say the words out loud - that the reason he doesn't want you to do this, is because he doesn't want to look after his children 2 days a week?

Out of 7 days, he's objecting to 2 bedtimes, and 2 mornings - which, given the type of person you sound OP, are already organised and as easy as they can be (this is certainly how I ran my life before ex became and ex so I could support my job and them - mornings and bedtimes had full routines in place, that the kids followed with very little fuss, due to the effort I'd put in to train them)

To give a different perspective, I have effectively ‘banned’ my husband from any more promotions.

We are mid-thirties, he has flown up the ranks and is on approx £100k, I am a stay at home parent / carer to our 3 young children, one of whom is disabled. We are from low income backgrounds and live in a relatively LCOL area.

There comes a point where more money outweighs constantly solo parenting. He could keep pushing and earn more but the money would get eaten up in outsourcing his domestic input PLUS he would get significantly less time with his children.

I don’t know, it’s different financial figures and as I said one of our children is disabled so I can’t really imagine things like easily accessing childcare, lack of appointments, holiday club, finding an appropriate nanny etc

I guess we’ve communicated and agreed and chosen the lifestyle(?) option over career RIGHT NOW. And maybe I’m just warping this into being sensitive about my own situation as I’ve not previously felt IABU that I’ve ‘banned’ DH from further promotion.

Not at all. I was happy with the arrangement at the time because the deal we made was that I would get my turn when the kids were a bit older. Kids got older, he got so comfortable fulfilling his ambitions that he wasn't willing to adjust to give me some help with the kids so I could advance. I got three degrees while working part-time, launched, it was going really well. I asked him if he could adjust one day for two hours in the late afternoon to give me the ability to advance. Think that was going to happen? No. He yelled at me for having that expectation of him. It quickly became clear I could only work around school hours. He was basically not there during the week. I had no family around to help. He said we couldn't afford help with childcare. In the end, it was almost over before it began after I'd worked really hard to get it going. I tried to keep it up by working from home for a bit (50 an hour, so not too bad). The big important job and his ambition was everything, and there was no room for flexibility. Our marriage almost came to an end in that time. He'd broken a fundamental promise I'd based so many decisions around. In the end, I pretty much gave up because the practicalities were overwhelming and not worth the cost to my children. He thought I'd got my goal of having children, so should be happy with that. I've found other ways to deal.

Why didn’t you tell him you were going for the promotion OP? It sounds like you’re quite tired of the fact that he gets to do a job he loves and you pick up the slack which is fair enough, but I’m surprised that you didn’t think to discuss the logistics of this job before going for it. Presumably if he works 5 days in the office it will be a real struggle for him to continue in this career if you’re away for two nights a week?

He has to get them ready for school 2 mornings a week and put them to bed. If you were 'raging' over that, I'd ask:

A. Why you had children in the first place and more to the point...
B. Why the fuck then, is it OK that its current OP doing it 5 days a week?

On that much money I'd imagine you have some latitude might there be opportunity to create flexibility where u need?
What are other women in the same field/ work area saying?

Oh and his job isn’t demanding it’s something he loves to do, convenient and low paid

as someone who was the breadwinner with a now ex husband who languished in low paid jobs but then didn’t pull his wait childcare/house work wise I’d say take the job! And I don’t often say that! Especially with WFH 2 days per week. Why should men be able to have families and careers and well paid jobs. There’s a huge issue with lack of women in senior positions and part of that is because we aren’t visible enough to show the younger generations that they can do it and have families and children. Your husband is holding you back

If I was used to lying in bed in the mornings, not helping with the kids, doing any cleaning, gardening or childcare, having my lifestyle funded then yes it would be an inconvenience for me, as it would mean I have to actually get off my arse and do something

You couldn’t put a 7yr old and a 4 yr old to bed twice a week on your own in return for £100k salary? That’s unusual I’d say.

Blimey OP - being blunt, but does he add much to your life? He doesn't sound like he's pulling his weight.

No wonder you're fuming!

The more you tell us about this man, the more I think divorce might be the easiest way to go. He sounds resentful and I can’t believe he lets you pick up all the household and childcare slack. You may as well do it all your own-you are now anyway!

I think your DH is being very selfish. He does a job inconvenient for family life because he wants to do it however is unwilling to support you to do a job less convenient for family life because you want to. And yours has the added advantage that it can afford to pay to work around the inconvenience. I think he needs a few home truths, I’d pitch it that you WANT to do this and that is your motivation. If he cannot get behind it, I’d threaten that ‘well, if I can’t do my dream job due to family inconvenience then we need to rearrange our lifestyle so that you take on your fair share so it is possible for me to also chase my dreams as you do, because currently it is at the expense of my dreams. If your 50% of the load (including paying for childcare costs of your choices) is not possible with your current job, you are going to need to change jobs then aren’t you? My purpose in life is not to facilitate you living your best life at my expense. I have the equal right to pursue happiness.
If he still can’t see it, there is no hope for a happy life for you if he doesn’t care about you so long as he is not impacted. At least you can pay for a full time nanny - and he will still have to get a new job or a lifestyle downgrade. Take the job. Either he can support you or he is not worth giving it up for.

So if you were working full time in a demanding but low paid job, you would be just thrilled if your husband suddenly unilaterally annouced that you would be parenting alone two days a week?

Indeed.

The OP seems to be doing everything at home and with the kids and brings in the money while her husband just coasts along and whines.

But wouldn’t you congratulate him and at least sit down and discuss how you could potentially make it work, if it meant a lot to him? Not just say No.

I agree, this is an appalling opinion which needs to stay firmly in the past. Simply stating a fact is not 'flaunting'. I'm sure OP would appreciate DH's contribution if he actually contributed, but it doesn't sound like he brings anything to the table at all.

I'm not rolling my eyes at you or your suggestion at all, but im so over doing the emptional labour for men.

It's exasperating that women have fought so long and hard to get the opportunity to get equality, and even when we have it on paper, a lot of the actual men are so weak and pathetic. Its not enough for OP to work, pay and do a fair share of the childcare, she also has to do the emotional labour of helping the poor little lamb work out why he should try and be supportive and not damage his ego.

A whole thread of women here get it.

And men wonder why women don't want (to serve) them.

This.

You will be able to afford a nanny and cleaner and it sounds like a great opportunity for you.

So far it seems everything has revolved around him when it comes to work: he has a job he 'loves' but he would not be able to do it if you were not the main breadwinner so frankly he should be supportive. You are the one propping up his lifestyle!

Sounds like it’s inconvenient for him more like and he just doesn’t want to have to do more than he is, which sounds like nothing! Why is it we have to feel the need to pander to men’s needs. Tell him you’re taking the job regardless and if he doesn’t like it he knows where the door is!

This is the thing that is giving me pause, though - men don't just "do it".

If my husband just came home and told me that he'd just had a big promotion which would mean that I'd be parenting two youngish kids on my own 2 days a week, and expect me to be thrilled, I'd be furious.

If he told me to "just deal with it" because my " inconvienient full time job was a low paying passion project", I would be raging.

Actually as the thread has progressed I've changed my original opinion from 'get a nanny' to 'get a divorce and a nanny'

Seems like you are already bringing a lot to the partnership. What does he bring? Doesn’t sound like much at the moment.

You must be so frustrated at what an utter let down he is. It's not about how much he earns, it's about how much he prioritises himself and himself alone. He doesn't want to compromise, he doesn't want to do his fair share, he wants to have his cake and eat it. You must be struggling to feel positive about your marriage right now, I know I would be.

Oh dear, another one. Hardly any days pass when we don't get one of these on mumsnet.
By 'another one', I mean a 'D'H who is jealous and resentful of his wife for being a higher achiever than he is.

Congratulations OP! You should take the job, and use the extra money to pay for a nanny if and when you decide to leave 'D'H.