AIBU to be angry my husband opposes my major promotion?

Furious on your behalf. Personally I think it sounds worth doing - as you say, even if for a short period - but to not have it be congratulated and sat down and discussed in an honest “…but I’m worried this is going to make our lives untenable” way.

Yes, I can see that and OP's DH isn't contributing equally. In her place I might also wonder what he brings to the marriage. Presumably something?

I'm sorry you're getting divorced over it but I do understand.

I think you should definitely take the job.

My mum was the breadwinner when I was growing up - Dad worked from home and looked after me. Mum travelled quite a bit for work, but I certainly didn’t consider her “absent”. Actually she was a great role model for me (back in the 80s) that women could be ambitious and have great jobs. But of course she could only do that because my Dad was a hands-on dad.

@Bigjob1234 your DH really needs to have a serious word with himself…

He did, actually. Not the no housework thing, but for a lower stress life.

Yes but things evolve and she’s not asking him to be a trailing partner or to do 24/7 domestic load. If anything it sounds like up to now she has the big job AND the domestic load and he doesn’t like a small shift back in her favour.

I know I get it. I have the T-shirt and am currently getting divorced partly because I never got over the resentment but other things too.

But the OP doesn’t sound like our husbands and it’s not fair to put that label on her.

I could easily earn an extra 100k per year. I don't, because I already earn well, and the extra time and stress isn't worth it.

I agree, two bedtimes isn't "solo parentimg". But if your spouse is away for two days a week and you have young kids, it is hard.

Why does that make it justified? Shitty behaviour is shitty behaviour.

I haven't read all the responses but enough to see people agree with your dh. God thats sad. I would have some sympathy if he was already doing the bulk of the caring/logistics load and this was adding to it, but it sounds like he has a pretty cushy set up - a job he loves that pays badly but thats ok because you earn plenty, amd little childcare or household responsibilities.

I woild be getting a nanny for evenings you are travelling, and would consider ditching him completely. Then he could have the dc 3-4 nights a week alone instead of 2.

(Ps - the man's job is ALWAYS less flexible. He could work in Tesco and it would be less flexible because "letting team down" "will definitely get fired." I saw something on tiktok about this the other day I meant to check where they claimed they asked couples with 1 lawyer and 1 doctor whose job was most flexible. Didn't matter who was lawyer and who was doctor.... the woman's job was, apparently, always more flexible.....

And like others say, you can consider getting a nanny for some wraparound care/bedtime help!

Would he?! He would turn down a promotion so that you could carry on working an easy job, doing no mornings or bedtimes with the kids, no cooking and no cleaning? I highly doubt that.

Fuck him, take it.

I would have a chat with your husband about what the new role will involve from a practical POV (he'd need to do bedtimes a coulle of nights a week etc) but also highlight how it'd make you feel to not accept it.
My fear is that you'll grow resentful of your husband and even your children for blocking that opportunity.
You're content with your current set up, but you clearly want more and are excited about the new role and the doors it could open.

I think it does make a difference if you know what you're marrying into though (military) vs. if it's thrown at you or evolves later.

I don't disagree OP's DH needs to step up more. OP and DH need to sit down and discuss how it could all work.

And, yes, I have a massive chip on my shoulder about the whole thing. :-)

Some amazing posts on this thread:

• 40k in your hand a year is nothing
• my husband (never the poster, I note) got offered a huge salary but money isn’t everything - very unlikely someone earning 50k suddenly got offered $400k, this person is clearly already married to a high earner so interesting to hear money doesn’t matter……
• I’d never take this (hypothetical, have never been offered it)
• various contemptuous references to ‘big’ or ‘fancy’ jobs that reek of jealousy
• two bedtimes and two mornings is ‘solo parenting’
• my children have a poor relationship with their father bc my husband works a lot - thank goodness in my working class family where everybody works I appreciate that my father worked two jobs and paid for every opportunity I ever had, he transformed my life with his long hours

My husband absoloutely would. He would always ask me about decisions like this.

@Bigjob1234 congratulations!! That's amazing!

If this were reversed genders this wouldn't be a question.

Absolutely go for it and use the extra money to employ a nanny.

Your DH needs to be more flexible. It is usually the lower paid person who sacrifices career climbing for childcare as that makes financial sense. Its about working as a team. Doesn't sound like he is being a team player here...

I am actually getting the rage reading these comments picking you apart and you justifying yourself @Bigjob1234

YANBU at all and you must take the job. You will regret it and resent him if you don't. The misogyny here astounds me.

Well done on your achievement and congratulations!

With that reaction I'd seriously consider divorce. Congratulations op

Can you imagine a man turning down a big promotion because his wife didn't like it and wanted him to be available for childcare? No, me neither.

Men do this kind of employment all the time and nobody questions their parenting - in fact, it's often framed as a sacrifice they're making for their family and the wife and kids are expected to be extremely grateful.

Absolute bullshit. It might appear like that from the outside but many wives and children are resentful that their husbands and fathers prioritised money and career over family life. The old Hollywood trope of the business focused father missing out on the important stuff in their kids' lives (and ultimately realising the error of their ways when things go tits up) exists for a reason.

Look you’re projecting massively. The OP is not your husband. I have been you so I get it. But the OP has been doing most of the childcare as well as the big job. He is baulking about stepping up and doing a couple of mornings and a couple of bedtimes. You’re reading something into this because you’re still resentful but it’s not fair on the OP.

Can you imagine a man coming onto a forum for men and the men saying oh you shouldn’t get your wife to look after her own kids a couple of nights a week so you can take your job (which will benefit the whole family financially). Just wouldn’t happen.

Almost like him being left to it 2 days a week would actually makes things fairer, isn't it?

From one working mother with young children to another: congratulations, what a fabulous achievement.
And your husband is being outrageously unreasonable

I have a few friends (female) who are dissatisfied in their marriages because their husbands have 'very important jobs' and are barely present. When they're at home, they're always checking their phone, logging on and working in the evenings and at weekends. One divorced her husband on the strength of it - kids weren't even that bothered about it becasue he was hardly there or involved in their lives, anyway.

Many of these senior roles come with conditions and sacrifices and it's family life that suffers.

I get why you're fuming. You should go for it. It sounds like a great opportunity. Also, you have a solid plan for balancing your home commitments.

Men do this kind of employment all the time and nobody questions their parenting - in fact, it's often framed as a sacrifice they're making for their family and the wife and kids are expected to be extremely grateful. The man never arranges any child or housecare- just leaves it all to the woman, who's probably expected to give up her "little insignificant job" due to the cost of paying for external help.

You're doing loads, OP. Don't let other posters make you feel shit with their double standards. And don't let your DH hissy fits hold you back - he'll have no problem spending the money once it's in the household. And he's already being "allowed" to pursue the career he wants despite the "costs" to the family.

It feels like double standards all round!