AIBU to be angry my husband opposes my major promotion?

That doesn’t sound chilled. That sounds like you over function and he under functions.

As someone mid divorce who carried the domestic and mental load and was the main earner, I can tell you that the resentment is worse than any guilt you might feel. Don’t let him abuse your labour anymore.

You should get equal rest time. Equal self care time. It should be a fair division of labour. Unless you forced him into marriage, cohabitation and children against his will and you keep him chained?

Honestly, read ‘Fair Play’ then give it him. My ex read it and did get it and shifted his position a bit.

Normally Id agree with you, but in this case the wife is doing most of the housework and childcare. Is it the same in the other situations mentioned? The husband could easily step up more, but doesnt want to.

An extra £40k take home is more than many people earn before tax.

If it's an extra £70-80 k a year for you then you must just be getting out of the cliff edge situation of earning £100-125k just now so this will make a significant difference.

Good on you and go for it!

Go for it

Men do this kind of employment all the time and nobody questions their parenting

We questioned it? The only answer we had was for DW to continue in her job and I was the house parent. I was full time at it to start with. part time work came later.
OP Please Take The Job. It is about far more than money, it is about recognition and ambition. It is about achievement, pride in your own success. Don't let him steal that from you.
I have seen and enjoyed the success my dear wife of 50 years has achieved.
ps. We are on the best of terms with the DC.

She isn’t deciding unilaterally. She is angry that there is no good reason not to other than he is abusing her domestic labour and wants to continue lying in bed while she over functions to make up for his ineptitude.

When the times are reversed, AGAIN the theme is men assuming and abusing women’s domestic labour.

Unless he is unable what makes sense is for her to she this promotion. It’s more money and there will be raises. Its financial security in an increasingly difficult landscape. The only reason he doesn’t want it is laziness and misogyny.

Take the job. He will adapt and you will be at home 5 days out of 7 and for the most part your children will be in school on those 2 days anyway.

Make the most of it, salary sacrifice will be removed in 2029 I think. The extra cash would make a huge difference in retirement for you both.

If he doesn't adapt then you have your answer which is that he doesn't see you as a team, he sees you as someone facilitating his comfortable lifestyle.

For context I have done just what you are contemplating but a) had to travel more and b) for longer long haul stints every other week. My husband who had his own big job, never baulked at the idea of supporting me despite the need to get our much smaller children ready for the day and do bed and bath times solidly solo for a week at a time. Yes you can get a nanny but generally I find they like a life in the evenings.

If you read the thread, OP has done all of the heavy lifting with high earning and childcare. He’s using a job he ‘loves’ to get out of pulling his weight. That’s not working as a team.

You're absolutely right. Men take opportunities like this every day and don't even consider whether it's inconvenient for their partner because it's the done thing. The roles are reversed and I say go for it! You've done the heavy lifting both childcare and earning wise. It's now his turn to step up childcare wise.

Does he really love the job despite it being low paid, or is it that he has no ambition ? You are the major earner and he has no right to stop you taking the job you want and have worked for simply because it will need a bit more planning to accommodate.

From what you’ve posted he needs to step up more with childcare and I suspect that he doesn’t want you to take the promotion because it will involve him doing more. Totally unacceptable.

Promotion or no promotion he needs to be stepping up more

🤬 Honestly OP. This man is making my blood boil.

If one parent is away all the time

2 nights out of 7 really isn't 'all the time'

Funny.

On here Husband takes a unilateral decision to change job, no way.

Wife takes unilateral decision to change job - fine.

You are married and have two kids. You should be a team. So work together as a team to resolve the issues.

Yes. Men do this all the time. He absolutely can be the sole parent for a couple of days. Lots of women do this. Women manage when men work abroad for months at a time. Parents who are single manage. If he steps up and actually applies himself to being a parent he can do it.

If you divorced he’d have no choice.

Wake up OP!!! He is their father. Why are you holding so much?

If you want this you MUST go for it. You will regret it if you don’t and you will resent this man forever. Please please don’t let him get away with this.

Read (or listen to) Fair Play by Eve Rodesky.

I am so angry on your behalf OP.

I don’t think it is acceptable in a man. Nor a woman. If one parent is away all the time and then more attentive to their emails/phone/tiredness when they are physically at home, this isn’t being a parent, it’s being a provider.

If you think you can do this job and be an effective parent - be there for school plays, parents evenings, illness, homework etc, go for it. If not, question it.

Yes. Because the poor bloke’s penis absolutely prevents him from stepping up.

FFS!!! Why is nanny your first go to rather than the FATHER ?!!!

This is how it happens. Women are still expected to hold the whole domestic load. Men get away with doing bare minimum.

He is a sexist twat, who sees the children as "the woman's responsibility".
What is he bringing to the marriage?
Would you be emotionally and mentally better off without him?

Well as your dh does work you could kick his lazy arse out, have 50/50 custody and he can enjoy his low salary and do his own housework, gardening and parent his dc half the week.
My God, the entitlement is strong with your dh.

Well done and go for it! Even if just for a few years so really set yourself up career wise and money wise. The children will cope - it is probably when they are older that they will need more after school time and it may get harder and that is when you can reappraise. If your DH doesn't like it how would he like 50/50 split when he would need to do more every single day as a solo parent - has he thought about that! Do what is right for you - if you were talking about weeks away at a time then that is different but you are not! My niece's OH works 6 weeks away at a time and they have 2 children and they make it work, so can you!

I really really hope you take this job. You already sacrifice for your husband. His set up is pretty unsustainable imo , but maybe it’ll be fine as the heat will be cooler in a couple of years.

Also I think it's worth saying there are plenty of jobs that require travel and long hours that don't come with that sort of salary. My husband is regularly away 2-3 days at a time (not every week, but often enough) and is an only slightly above average earner (as am I). I've never made him feel bad about it and I just get on with it at home (I have a full time job earning similarly to him). Is it just part and parcel of the role. It's not ideal for family life but it is what it is and when I'm on my own with my kid, we have our own little fun rituals and precious one on one time together that she'll hopefully remember more than his absence. So I don't think you should feel bad about the prospect OP, as this is a role and salary that could change your life and their futures considerably.

Congratulations @Bigjob1234 - just out of curiosity what industry are you in where you currently earn very well and are around lots? I'm not baiting, very genuinely interested.

I’m not sure the roles ever would be reversed?
I just can’t imagine a man who has a £100k a year job getting up in the morning to get the kids ready, whilst the mother lays in bed, then goes to a low paid job which she enjoys, whilst he works around picking the kids up from school. She refuses to do gardening or cleaning. Then him being offered a £200k job and her saying no as she’ll have to give the kids breakfast and put them to bed on her own 2 days in 7. This would never ever happen.