AIBU to cancel after my son was excluded from the after-party?

I feel like you're making something much bigger out of it that it needs to be and that you're projecting your own insecurities. I have a friend who is like this and it adds another layer of stress and worry and faff to everything when no one involved has any malicious intentions. e.g. I'll have a party or gathering with a mix of groups of friends and she'll be messaging our little group worrying about what some other woman who went to school with us will judge her for or think of her outfit. The other woman is also a friend of mine and she's messaging in another group also worrying about what to wear and saying she's looking forward to seeing my other mates again. I just want everyone to come along and have a nice time.

As others have suggested, there's likely a logistical reason for the smaller group going to the house. The big deal, the party, the celebration is the Laserquest thing and your child made the cut for the invitation list for that thing that costs money and takes a bunch of organising. With 14 kids going to that, he's in the majority who aren't going to the house later.

Why can't he go to the party and you pick him up and do something fun together after or let him pick a film to watch at home or go visit some other friends or go for a walk at the beach. Shift the focus, the laser party's then not the only thing in the day. There's less of a "missing out" vibe because he's doing something else or going somewhere else after the party that he'll enjoy.

This does happen as they get older and kids have sleepovers as well as a main party. They do notice, and mine have asked why in the past. I just tell them that not everyone can be invited to everything, and I'd ask one of the non-sleepover kids back to ours for a play.

I think if you were to pull out now you will make things far, far worse for your son. For one thing, the parents will be pissed off with you pulling out a couple of days beforehand, having accepted, so that costs them money. Can you really see your son being invited to any other parties when word gets round that you did this? You said he doesn’t get invited to much anyway. Then the other kids will be bonding at the laser tag. If your son isn’t there, he’ll be even more on the outside of the group, and you may find the bullying ends up even worse! Whereas if he goes, maybe he can work on his friendships with the nicer kids and find he has an easier time at school going forwards. Plus, if he beats the bully at laser tag I imagine that will make him feel pretty good lol!

Let him go and just point out that more kids aren’t going that are to the second part if he mentions it. The birthday boy was probably told he can invite 5 friends back and that’s it - maybe their table only seats 6 and the parents want them to eat at the table. Maybe there’s only room for 6 of them in whatever room they’re using. Maybe they thought 5 was a good number because if they went higher, they’d need to change it to all 9 boys as it wouldn’t be fair to leave out only 1.

This. Not being invited to an event isn’t bullying. The OP should stop wailing about ‘exclusion’ when what she means is ‘I’ve heard about another event my child isn’t invited to, like the majority of those attending the party’ and focus on making sure the bullying she refers to doesn’t recur. Far from being ‘damaged’, child doesn’t even know about the ‘after party’. The only way he’s going to be ‘damaged’ by it is if the OP pulls him from the main party in a juvenile huff.

I don't think anyone is suggesting OP's son be more resilient to bullying, but your response captures how OP is bundling the party and the bullying into one issue (and seemingly getting a bit muddled in the process - it seems as though she wants her son to be at a sleepover with his bully?) when they're two separate things and require two very different approaches.

This would annoy me because only boys seem to have been invited to have pizza and video games and it's so stereotypical, I'd just be over it even if it's accidental.

And yet the OP wants her bullied child to spend more time with his bully, by being invited to the after party gathering at the birthday child’s.

This 'teach them resilience' thing is the biggest load of bullshit. Bullying is harmful and damages lives and childhoods. Time we got out of that regressive 1950s 'resilience' bs. It's what gets children suiciding from bullying. They feel they have no adult they can trust that takes them seriously.

Wouldn’t you be cutting off your nose to spite your face? He is 7, not as close enough friend for the small do, and you have visitors anyway.

YABveryU.

He has been invited to a small group party (Not a whole class) and you want to pull him out? That's the best way to ensure he is never invited again? My close friends (and their children) have often stayed or come back to ours after a party because they are my friends, not to exclude the other children invited to the actual party.
If he's not confident (and not often invited), I would try and boost his confidence by making a big thing of the party itself and dismiss the bit he is missing by telling him it's the parents getting together, not an "after party".

If you've said yes to the party, then I would say that is a commitment and he should go. If he becomes aware of the after party and is upset then that's a chance to teach him about handling disappointment. If not, you're just raising a child to think if they're left out it's something shameful and terrible when really it's usually just real life since the birthday boy can't be best friends with everyone.

It really isn’t @Snowdrops99 if you handle it properly.

Your son has had an invite to the party. He’s been included. Don’t withdraw him especially as you say he’s not always the child to be invited.

You can tell him ahead of time that some of the boys will go back to birthday boys house after the party… they live closer to one another.. and you and he are going home to see relatives. Don’t make a drama out of it.. your son needs ti learn that we don’t get invited to everything and that’s ok.

it feels like the bullying is the bigger issue here and that is undoubtedly making you overthink this. How are you tackling this?

It’s hard to feel like your child isn’t included in something or is struggling with friendships. One thing that is certain in life is that we will come across all sorts of people and experience plenty of knock backs. Focusing on developing your son’s resilience will really help him navigate those moments.

Be bright and breezy about it op.

Most parents wouldn’t want 14 for a sleepover. I have had 8- 12 children/teens sleep over many times but I’d struggle to accommodate 14/15 as I honestly can’t squeeze any more round my table. If I had a bigger table I’d consider it. As depending on behaviour 12-14 isn’t much difference.

My daughters friends often have a sleepover post party and dd hasn’t been invited, she also says ‘oh the sleepover girls are best friends’. I have never questioned it despite hosting larger sleepovers for the same children. Not everyone wants to host that many kids.

I would honestly focus on inviting friends (boys and girls) over to your house who he gets on with. If you are prepared to host 3-12 kids for a sleepover then do it. It’s really not that bad tbh and you may find he gets invited over to theirs at another time as they get to know each other better.

The laser tag is 30 minutes drive away so there is a definite split between the events. Some people will go home and some will go to birthday boy's house. Some people may even <shock horror> go on to entirely unconnected things, possibly even with other people from the party.

It's not a question of everyone being at the house and half of them being asked to leave after 2 hours, which I agree would be appalling.

I think it'd be fine to have the small group over for pizza and video games if they were on a different day and therefore there was a definite split between the two events.

Having them together makes it clear who's the favoured guests and who's there to make up the numbers you need for laser tag. The fact that OP's son already knows about the second part of the party means that they're already discussing it.

I'd still go to the laser tag, but it's a bit mean.

Respectfully, no one is ‘chucking anyone out of the party half way through’. The laser tag party is the party — fun activity, food, cake etc. Afterwards there’s a separate event for the kids the birthday boy is closer to. The OP’s child, like the majority, is not among those kids. The only person being upset about this is the OP and posters like her who haven’t got over their own childhoods and see ‘exclusions’ everywhere, and who are really not doing their children any favours.

Arrange something super fun after the party, something he will be really excited about.

Its an important lesson for him to learn, that you don't always get invited to everything but that shouldn't mean you cant be friends with people anyway and enjoy the things you are present for.

I was raised by parents who would take every little thing as an insult and I mirrored that behavior, it led to very angsty teenage and young adult years.

Ive married into the most wonderful Irish family who see the good in everything and everyone and its totally changed how I see the world.

Theres an important saying, you cant control how people treat you but you can control how you feel about it.

I haven’t read the whole thread but in this situation I’d go to the bit he’s invited then do something nice afterwards, invite some of the others who are not going to the after party to the park, or get the paddling pool out in our garden and serve ice cream?

Are you mad???

Indeed. So have the party without inviting the extras. You don't chuck people out of a party half way through.

He should go to the laser tag! Of course. It is completely standard to have a main party and then just a few back home for a sleepover or such.

And there is a lesson most people should have learned by adulthood — it’s fine that other people don’t always invite you to things.

I think the concept of after parties for children is so unnecessary and a good way to make children feel excluded.

If they want to have 5 over for pizza, then fine, but do it another day.

But there’s no ‘damage’! Like the majority of his class, he’s not invited to a separate event after the laser tag. Only in the eyes of a parent who really needs to come to terms with whatever it is in her own childhood that’s left her with this level of social insecurity, is this an ‘exclusion’ involving this level of handwringing, rather than simply not being invited.

The OP’s huffy, muddled thinking both (1) seems to want to punish her child further by ‘excluding’ him from the laser tag too and (2) conversely to want him to spend more time in a small group either a boy who bullies him.

We did this exact thing before: had a party with more kids and then DD1 had five of them who she was particularly close with back to our house for some more stuff with parents along too. Didn’t occur to me there was anything wrong with that. Other kids have done same and I just tell DD that not everyone can be invited to everything. Understand it’s hard but pulling him out when he has been included in something isn’t the right answer.