AIBU to cancel after my son was excluded from the after-party?

So your son was invited to a party yet you want to exclude him?
Why don't you use the relatives visit as an excuse to pick him first from the laser tag if you're worried about him being upset?

However it's normal not to be included for everything.

My daughter had a big party for her bday plus a smaller one at home with 4 girls. Doesn't mean she doesn't like the other friends, we didn't put a massive amount of thought into who attends.

Also her 2 close friends recently had a sleepover together, it didn't occur me to get upset about it. Friend groups evolve and change and we don't need to be included everywhere

Also the birthday boy has picked his favourites to invite back and that is personal.

That's how parties work. How does OP feel about the class members who weren't invited to the daytime party? Assuming over half the class wasn't invited. Should their parents be complaining about favouritism too?

YANBU I wouldn’t stop him going to the main party, your plan to have a chat and do something nice afterwards sounds like a good idea. I think you should invite the boys not invited to the sleepover to your house or to dinner. Keep it light for your son BUT I can’t believe how many people think it’s ok. I would have got DC to have the sleepover another night or just have 1 friend. I don’t think it’s acceptable for adults to do the same thing either, which is why people generally complain about evening wedding invitations on here.

Also the birthday boy has picked his favourites to invite back and that is personal. It’s good for your son to learn to deal with it with his head held high but honestly saying it’s not personal is nonsense.

Fundamentally disagree.

You're doing your child a disservice if you don't nurture resilience from infancy.

I wonder if some people are interpreting resilience as being told to "get over it". That's not what resilience is. For a 7yo in this context, resilience is about experiencing a setback, feeling upset about it, having those feelings acknowledged, and then, with a bit of guidance and support, learning how to bounce back.

I think you should take him to the laser quest. Then if the “after party” bit comes up, say “oh you couldn’t have gone anyway because of granny being here” or something.

I agree in principle that having two tier parties for kids is a bad idea though.

So you're invited to a party with 20 people, find out the birthday woman is also having afternoon tea with her three closest friends from the party, and you leave feeling crappy? Weird for an adult.

If it was a group of adults and some of them went back to one person's house after an evening out (which I think is the best parallel I can come up with) you would invite yourself if you were a good enough friend and wanted to come. And if you weren't a good enough friend to invite yourself, then you would understand that that was why you hadn't been invited.

Why would it make any difference if the "after party" was on a different day? OP's DC would still hear discussion about it and not be invited.

So you'd punish your child by 'excluding' him from the main party, to which he was actually invited, because he wasn't invited to a separate event at a separate location on the same day? Because the supposed 'damage' to a 7 year old's self-esteem caused by feeling left out at not being in the minority of children invited to the after party will somehow be cancelled out by the feeling of missing the actual birthday party?

No wonder so many Mners struggle with adult friendships and never seem to have got past their childhood socialising struggles.

I wouldn’t take him to the party, like you Said if this were a group of adults you’d leave feeling crappy and so will your son.
He’s 7, he doesn’t need to learn resilience yet, especially considering the bullying situation.
I personally think it’s a bit shitty of the parents organizing to arrange it like this, they must get it would upset those left out, it should have been organised for a different day to the party. .

OP has asked for second opinions on whether she should pull her son out of a party because he's not been invited to the "after party." Using this as an opportunity to gently teach her son about resilience is perfectly acceptable.

If OP wrote another thread about how to address the bullying, I expect she'll get different responses.

Because there is no bullying in not inviting the majority of the children attending the laser tag birthday party to a separate event at the birthday child's house afterwards. This is neither 'bullying' nor 'exclusion' nor anything that's going to cause 'damage'. The OP only heard about it by accident.

In fact if the OP's child were invited to the after-party bit, he would be spending more time with a child (not the birthday boy) whom the OP says has actually bullied him. But the OP, who has her priorities all wrong, thinks this would be fine. She seems mysteriously unconcerned with the actual bullying.

She should obviously be concentrating on the actual bullying and ensuring it doesn't recur, rather than confusing it with a situation that involves no bullying whatsoever.

Why is the MN answer to bullying always for the victim to learn resilience, as if it is because the victim is in some way at fault and that's why they get bullied?

It is not for the victim to learn to tolerate being bullied. It is for the adults to step in and stop the bully from doing the bullying.

Let him go and explain that their house isn’t big enough so only 5 closer friends are going to the after party.

why would you want him at an after party with a bully anyway?

it’s great he’s been invited and chance to make some closer friendships.

this kinda stuff will happen throughout life I’m afraid but it’s how you spin it.

My Son was in a similar position to yours and its heartbreaking for them. My advice is you need to get him to go and then work hard at arranging play dates with the kind boys so he has a good friend network. You can build his confidence this way. Leaving kids out will worsen his troubles as friends will group without him then. X

If you are busy anyway then there is no need for him to know he is ‘excluded.’ You just say ‘sorry son, we can only go to the main party because we are busy this afternoon.’ And give him some game time another time to make up for it.

It's only difficult if you make it difficult. Explain it breezily, move the conversation along, distract with the visiting relatives. It's only a thing if you make it a thing.

This is not the same scenario OP is describing at all.

Yes that's weird.

Agreed.

For everyone suggesting OP's son has his own sleepover that same night, unless OP's son has friend/s he would genuinely have a sleepover with (who were also not invited to to so called "after party") this clearly sends a passive aggressive message that OP is disgruntled her son wasn't included and has created a "rival" sleepover to prove a point. It's just a bit weird, especially considering she'll have presumably accepted the hospitality the birthday boy's family offered in the day (I can't imagine laser quest for 14 children is cheap).

Presumably you're also suggesting that OP's son invites all 9 children that weren't included in the after party. Because if not, and he's selective (for whatever reason), then OP is doing exactly what she's upset about in the first place.

I'm not a fan of parties that have an A list and a B list with the A list doing something afterwards. It does make the B list kids feel a bit crap, so I didn't let mine do that. They could have a sleepover or whatever a separate time rather than doing that. It's mean girl/boy behaviour.
Likewise I wouldn't go out for the day with adults and then say "You, you and you can now come back to my house for dinner but you and you can't."

😮You did a whole class party and then only fed a small group of them, letting the others see what they were missing out on?

Kindly, you're overthinking this. I did a swimming party once for my middle DD and she invited all the kids in her class for the 60 minute pool session so there were 28 of them. It was a leisure centre with a big pool and toddler pool, and we included parents/siblings who also wanted to get in. But the party area that you can use for cake/games afterwards for another hour was on a small balcony and you could have a maximum of 12 kids. Cue some very indignant parents who were not happy that their kids weren't included even though I'd done party bags with cake for all 28 kids plus spare for siblings .... I was made to feel dreadful. DD had only wanted her immediate friends for that part so I had let her choose who stayed on.

You are being precious.

Kids need to learn that everything doesn't always go their way, it builds resilience. I wouldn't want all of those kids back at my house so he has chosen those he is closest to probably!

Maybe OP should start thinking about all the classmates who are 'excluded' from the laser quest party.

That's how ridiculous it is to dwell on her son not being invited for pizza.

And inviting 'some of them' would exclude another group of children!

None of this is necessary.