AIBU to cancel after my son was excluded from the after-party?

Quite often my kids have been to a bigger party and there’s been a sleepover straight after to which not everyone can be accommodated.
people always have the debate over weddings too and evening invitations. I don’t see how it’s any different. Sometimes we are not in the closest group of friends and that’s fine. We have to accept it. It’s totally different to leaving 1-2 kids out.

So how would you feel on the situation if your son was one of the children invited back and knew they were 9 children left out?

Actually, at best, the parents are demonstrating a complete lack of savoir-faire in their party planning skills, at worst they are being unkind with their two-tiered system for sending party invitations!

Yep. Telling him family are visiting so he's not available to attend this party would be of more benefit to him than sending him to the first part of the party where he will automatically be even more of an outsider as the boys will be openly discussing the evening event.
Going to the first part and realising the rejection will do him no favours in terms of self-esteem.

OP I think it's a bit of a rubbish thing to do too. For only some of them to be going back to the birthday child's house but not everyone seems a bit blah to me.

But I agree you should let him go to the party and then be breezy about the afterwards part. Maybe swing by somewhere he likes on the way home, or have a nice afternoon planned he will enjoy with the relatives visiting.

Perhaps ask him would he like some friends round for pizza and games one day at some point soon. Let him plan something nice to look forwards too.

Would it help your son to understand the situation if you explain that the birthday boy is having two separate events; he's been invited to one but not the other one?

And if we are looking at adult equivalents, it’s more like you go a barbecue of a colleague or acquaintance you are friendly with, go home at 3pm when the barbecue ends and everyone leaves, and then at 7pm that colleague goes for an evening out with a small number of their closer friends who also had been at the barbecue. Would you feel like you were being ‘left out’? I wouldn’t but I guess perspective is different for everyone. That feels just like a normal kind of situation to me.

OK. So as a primary school teacher, with all the background OP has given around her son being bullied and having low self esteem, you would say the best course of action all round is for him to not go to the party he's been invited to?

Yes, I think the issue is in not thinking of them as two separate events, which they are. It’s likely everyone will go home from the party and then later on, some of the kids will attend a separate party at their home. The laser tag is self-contained event.

It’s definitely not uncommon IME to have a bigger party for wider friends/class and then have a separate smaller event at home for close friends/family friends, etc. There will definitely be some overlap, but we’ve both held and been to parties like this and it’s never really been an issue, so I’m surprised at reactions on here. Certainly in our circle no one seems to be bothered about it!

I wouldn’t expect DD1 to be invited to a small sleepover evening with a more casual acquaintance-type friend, but her going to a bigger ‘event’ party with lots of other kids would make more sense and I wouldn’t feel she was being ‘left out’ of anything else.

I'd never suggest speaking to the mother. The child should be allowed to invite who he likes.
I would, however, recognise that it's hurtful to have it shoved in your face that you're a second tier friend.
I'm a primary teacher. I'm all about building resilience in kids. There are often issues re birthdays and recognising you didn't make the cut is one thing, but getting half invited is another.
There's not a chance I'd attend a dinner with friends if they had plans for later in the evening that I was deliberately not invited to.
I'd have more respect for myself than that tbh.
What are we really trying to teach a child in this instance?

I agree.

Hope he has a great time OP.

I don't think it's unreasonable to have a party for 14 and then a low key gathering for 5 - though maybe a bit tactless. 14 kids might not fit in their house, let alone all be able to share a video game console. And for most people, laser tag is more exciting than video games.

Part of having friends is accepting that you won't always be their closest friend, you can feel a bit of jealousy for that but still enjoy the friendship for what it is.

Nonsense. A whole bunch of children the birthday child generally likes and/or whose invitations they are reciprocating are invited to the party. Their closest friends, the kids they always socialise with, might be invited to something low-key in their house later. It’s hardly the kind of nightclub with VIP inner room, or Little Match Girl staring sadly through the window scenario the more socially insecure poster seems to be imagining.

In what way is it cruel? Kids usually have friends they play with in a group context (big group playground games at school, hobby sports team mates or whatever) and a smaller, closer group of friends who they spend more time with (play at one another's houses and when old enough have sleep overs 1:1 and in small groups).
How is including both groups in your birthday party cruel? Adults very much do the same thing with weddings, for example.
Is it not crueler to exclude the rest of the class completely?

It's only cruel if you invite the majority to something and exclude a minority.

If you only invite 1/3 of a group you're not being cruel to 2/3 of the group. If you think like that then children really can't have parties or play dates unless they always invite everyone, which obviously isn't practical.

Agree with what an earlier poster said about making your own plans for the evening whether it's with the other excluded boys or otherwise. In these situations I tell my child myself but say they aren't able to go because we have our own plans so they know about the after party as they will find out but aren't too sad about being excluded, wondering why etc.

This is the norm?

I've genuinely never experienced this at another party, nor have I done this myself. If I'm throwing any sort of party for my kids, all of their friends are invited to the same parts. I wouldn't invite half the class to a party then invite a handful to an after party. That's just cruel IMO

He’ll hear all about it at school anyway, talk to him about not being able to do/ invited to everything, as he gets older this will happen more and more when kids start organising there own things.

This is really crappy behaviour from the other parent IMO. It's essentially teaching your kids that it's ok to leave people out but invite them when it suits you. The kids who aren't invited will probably wonder what they've done wrong.

Some parents are such obnoxious twunts.

Op do you have support, is his father on the scene?

i think of course bullying is hard, but he’s been invited to the main party so he’s clearly well,liked or he wouldn’t be. Pulling him out will give such negative feelings to him from the other kids, and he will miss an opportunity to socialise and have fun with them all.

also don’t be sitting him down and making a big thing of the after party , the boy and his parents are not excluding him, don’t even mention it,your reaction is extreme, you even said as an adult you’d not accept that, which is really shocking, to feel so entitled, as an adult the natural reaction would be great party thanks for the invite and move on, if it came up. Then have fun.

if it comes up you just say yeah just a few as they don’t have space and then immediately change the subject, so did you enjoy the party, what shall we do tonight kind of thing and don’t go giving him extra perks like some form of consolation prize as he will think then something bad has happened to him, and that’s why you’re doing that. Just act normal. No big deal move on.

it says something is off on your own radar and it is important that’s not passed to your son, so having a support network to check your reactions is important. Or even always just ask oh here.

14 people are invited to the party. Your DS is one of them.

The parents are then throwing another separate celebration for their child and a smaller group of friends. Only 5.

Your attitude is pretty entitled.
It is okay for your child not to be in the minority that was invited. Your child will get invited to somethings and not others. It’s a good lesson for him to learn from you how to handle this. That lesson is NOT throwing your dummy out of the pram because you don’t get your own way.

He should go to the party and enjoy it. He can then come home and spend time with relatives.

He is not being isolated. There are fewer children attending the house than the actual party. Maybe your son is not as good friends with this child as you both think whereas bully might be good friends with the birthday kid.

By pulling him out, he is also missing out on the laser tag, and excluding him further.

the parents will of paid per person to attend, so it’s rather unfair to pull him out now too. You could just ask what’s going on afterwards instead?

i don’t think excluding him further is going to help.

Firstly the OP is about mainly boys so the mean girls comment is irrelevant.

Secondly if you think forcing people to include everyone is reasonable then that isn’t very kind.

Maybe it’s because I’m ND but I would prefer to be excluded than invited just out of duty. I understand that I’m an outlier in MN terms though as people would rather ask for an invitation for themselves or their child instead of accepting that they may not be wanted everywhere

I’d only decline the laser tag if my DC was the only one not invited afterwards. There are others not attending the pizza. If you decline the first activity your DS will miss out on socialising with all the children, and the associated chat at school, which will ultimately exclude him further.

Unfortunately, he has to learn at some point that you can't (& won't) be invited to everything........and he's not going to learn if you pull him out of things to avoid disappointment.
I say let him go to the main party and explain, if needed, that there was only limited space for after so not everyone could go. It's a very good, and relatively gentle, life lesson for him.

Well then Sandra would probably need to get a grip. Expecting to be included in everything is far ruder than most things.

I honestly don’t know how some people get through life being that over sensitive. And the expectation that everyone must be included leads to people being invited even though they aren’t actually wanted.