AIBU to cancel after my son was excluded from the after-party?

Go.

IF DS hears about the after-party, you have the perfect excuse to save his self-esteem.

You can tell him that because you have relatives visiting, he’s not able to go. You don’t have to say he was never invited, just leave it implied that it was never on the cards because it didn’t suit you and the relatives. It means you and the relatives might look like the bad guys but you’re taking the hit so he doesn’t feel bad.

I think it's really tacky, but par of the course for some parents.

YABU

Your son doesn't have to be invited to everything. Teach him to be positive about being invited to any of the activities at all.

It’s my opinion. On a forum for opinions lol.

This is really sad. I remember primary school parties being really simple when I was a kid. You hired a community centre and played a few party games or you went to mcdonalds and in most cases either every kid or every kid of the same gender went. Now it seems to just be pettiness and meaness and exclusion for the sake of exclusion and we're all sat scratching our heads wondering why kids are growing up more antisocial, more unable to cope with basic social situations and more riddled with mental health difficulties.in a world where people are becoming increasingly more introspective and isolated we really need to kids to embrace their school as a community and this starts with the adults.

I dunno wha this means for you OP. If it was my 7YO I think I'd give him the choice without being overly dramatic about the 2nd party

Adults DO get upset about this sort of thing all the time - when only invited to the party part of a wedding for example! It only doesn't hurt/offend when both parties are exactly on the same page about the relationship. Which is rare in 7 year olds!

I think it's good you're putting thought into this OP.

Let him go to the laser tag party!!! He will enjoy that as there's lots of children going and would be a shame about missing out.

Regarding the small after party, just don't make a big deal of it. Just talk about how lovely it was to be invited to the laser tag. He can't be invited to everything and as he gets older it will get worse as as they get older the parties get smaller and smaller. Let him learn resilience now whilst he has been invited to a party but not the smaller after party. If he mentions it just say that his parents couldn't fit more than 5 and blame it on them.

14 kids are invited to the party and only a few are then invited to the extended party. Your son isn't the only one, or even only 2 not invited.
Removing him from the laser tag will isolate him further. I assume the class size is roughly 29 so he has been chosen to attend part of it. I be wary of imprinting your views on him, hopefully he's not picked up on you thinking its not fair/an issue.
My son is 7 and this wouldn't phase me unless it was a close friend and he wasn't invited to the after party.

This confirms that plenty of primary school teachers are clueless about children's normal life outside school.

My cousin is a primary school teacher who somehow manages to teach a class of infants, and has done since before having her own child, but thinks she needs her husband to help her wrangle her only child (aged six, no special needs) through the morning routine and into the car.

Being a primary school teacher doesn't make you an expert on all things child, and your advice here is terrible (you're advising a parent to deliberately exclude her child from a party for fifteen he's been invited to because (along with the rest of the class and nine other children from the Lazer tag party) he's not invited to a party for five. Somehow you think this will make him less excluded by his peers).

Turning down a birthday invitation makes it less likely that child or group will invite him again - little Oliver didn't want to come last time so maybe invite little Jasper instead this year...

I really don't understand why people think they'll be talking about anything except Lazer tag at Lazer tag! It's a running around high action activity - they don't stand around chatting about who is doing what afterwards during a game of Lazer tag, especially at the age of seven!

Yeah, that's usually what happens. The kids in the 'inner circle' enjoy the VIP nature of it and make a point of it to anyone who's not. I've seen it a lot, unfortunately. Kids tend to be very insensitive and cruel tbh.

You’re being hugely unreasonable.
He hasn’t been invited to the after party, so you’ll stop him from going to the actual party. Like, what?
What does your son want to do, as
surely that’s the most important thing here?
Also, it’s surely better to teach him some degree of resilience.

I'd ask your son to see what he wants to do. Just tell him what the whole plans are. It would be better for him to know as if the children start talking about this party then he might be confused and then feel like he was missing out. I can imagine as a child finding it awkward if the other children were talking about the later party.

it would be a shame for your son to miss both but I think you need him to get to the laser tag and then explain that not everyone could go to the after party bit. Honestly I would put it in any way that you feel will sound best, just so long as you know he's got at least the opportunity for the first bit. I'd explain it in whatever way you can best dress it up and see if he's on board. I do think it's a bit tough on teh excluded ones but I guess the parents had some issues with everyone going back to theirs. Try not to make a big deal out of it. Best wishes.

the same thing happened to my dd
i was more upset than she was i think
tbh i think we both thought it was strange but i didnt make a big deal of it.

OP withdrawing him is worse. If he’s had friendship issues but he’s been invited - that’s brilliant. Let him have that moment.

9 kids didn’t get invited to games - at 7 they don’t really do boy V girl separation. There are 15 there, 5 are going back. More aren’t going that are.

It’s absoloutely fine not to be invited to everything - in the next year or two it shrinks to max 8-10 kids so this won’t be the last party he isn’t invited too. He needs to accept that, and being on the invite is a nice way to realise that it isn’t personal.

Saying no has him miss out entirely.

kids don’t really speak about it at school so he won’t hear about it Monday either.

Have you contacted the school about the bullying? It sounds as if that's what is really upsetting you, not the party plans. If the school was taking the bullying seriously then the party might be a good opportunity to see if the dynamics have improved and to see whether the bully was behaving well towards your son. Assume that given it's a drive away, parents would stick around so you could stay and see how they interact, without it seeming weird. Whereas if DS went to the after-party you wouldn't be there. I'm not sure I'd be hugely comfortable with him going to that without me, as the hosts would be busy hosting and wouldn't necessarily be able to supervise 100% in case of bullying.

FWIW, my DS had a party with about 14 kids, and then we invited 3 of them back to our house afterwards - they wanted to play on the switch together so we thought it best to limit the number to 4 (for 4-player games). One of them was his cousin and the other two were his best friends from school. I didn't feel bad "excluding" the other party guests as we couldn't accommodate everyone at home.

I'd be sad for my DC if this was a friend they regarded as being a very close friend, or if he were the only one excluded. But I think you are possibly overthinking this.

Chances are the kid has wanted all 16, but also likes the home idea and it's just not always possible to invite 16 kids to your house so they've tried to facilitate both.

It is tricky, there are some really mean exclusionary actions and sometimes they are excused merrily by parents with the not everyone can be invited excuse, but I tend to feel like this is more individual

Apologies I’ve only had time to read the first few pages. My lesson is to always have at least two or three friendship groups for your child so that when one goes wrong they have back up friends. For me this was 1. School 2. English club 3. friends with kids the same age. My child is now 21 but having this tripod of groups helped navigate things. ( later on groups changed eg horse riding and then tennis)

He's not being excluded though, he hasn't been invited - and yes, there is a difference. It's not about being nasty or playing flavour of the month. They are two separate events happening on the same day, and your son has been invited to one of them. It isn't difficult to understand, it has happened to my son and we have did the same on one occasion. Trampoline and bowling party, then everyone went home except for 4 friends that came back to ours. He had 15 friends at his party, I did not want 15 kids running around the house. I genuinely don't see the issue with it. Ironically DS is now 15, he's going to a party on Saturday - barbecue and gaming until 9ish followed by a sleepover for the boys 5 very close friends - about 20 people invited to the main part.

I’m a bit torn tbh. I do think it’s a bit weird to only have a few stay over AND it be on the same day clearly this will be what they talk about the whole party I imagine) but I also think it’s not the end of the world as he isn’t the only one not invited. I think now you’ve accepted I personally would still take him but maybe decline further invites from that family.

To be fair, I hadn't considered the boys that were going to the sleepover talking about it during the party. Is that likely to happen at this age? My son is slightly younger.

I can see how that would be problematic.

This with bells on. Let him have fun at Lazer Tag...who knows what will happen on the dayabout the after party. And don't make a big thing about the after party to your DC
either... just ignore it.