AIBU to cancel after my son was excluded from the after-party?

I really don’t get this after party stuff. Just enjoy your party. End. Obviously it’ll lead to discomfort in the classroom when they all talk about it. It’s just a bit crap.

We also do after parties where I invite non-school friends and the one or two school friends that are in our already established parent and children friend group - it’s really a get together for the parents and a play date that would probably be happening anyway on a weekend afternoon.

I would let him go to the party and then say you have something planned with visiting relatives later, so that if any of the boys are unkind and tell him his isn’t invited to the after party, he can say he has plans then so wouldn’t have been free anyway. It would maybe soften the blow a little if he has a comeback ready for any spiteful children.

This. I was going to say that perhaps it makes sense just to pull him out and do the relative thing to avoid all
compmciations. But having read this response, I agree with this.

Then maybe let him game more? If he doesn't get to game much that may be one of the reasons he isn't invited.

I've just asked my 7 year old son what he would want to do in this situation and he said that he wouldn't want to go to any of it as he would feel left out at the end.

if he was the only one left out I’d say fair enough, but he’s not so I’d still take him to the party

Agree with this point of view. I'd take that your son has been invited to the main party and that the birthday boy likes him. They''re just having the after party with the five closest friends. You mention your son and the boy whose birthday it is aren't that close, so not unreasonable for him not to be included. Your son may well not hear about/notice the second part, but if he did i'd just explain it's a separte thiing.

Hahahaha. After party 🥳 LOL 😂 Yes YABU - you don’t get to pick who goes to someone’s home and it is clear that your son isn’t invited because the other boy is going, and nobody wants that drama in their house

Agree!
Running away from things by making up excuses about family staying etc is not going to help here.
Talk about it in language he can understand because this won't be the first friendship "issue" he encounters and this isn't even a particularly big one.

Talk to your son and explain. Collect him and maybe do something fun together. It’s called teaching resilience.

This!
I think calling it an after party makes it sound more dramatic than it needs to be!

As I said earlier my daughter has been to a few parties where some have stayed over. She has never come home upset or feeling left out, or said that everyone was talking about the evening! The parties she has been to have been at home so it would be even more obvious people are staying (bags with them that would be visible) but they focus on enjoying the actual party aspect.
With this laser party kids will be collected at the end so there will be less stress over who is staying as surely everyone will be leaving the site.

I can't believe how many people get hung up in this.
Also surely only half the class is invited to laser....isn't anyone upset at them being the third rate citizens who haven't been invited to anything?!!

This sounds a bit OTT given we are just talking about a kid's party here!

The more fuss is made of this the more of an issue it becomes.
And is lying to a child to keep them "safe" the right option here?
He is able to go to the first party and he isn't invited to the next one - those are the truths here, why are you advocating making up that he can't go because of relatives etc?

Surely a sensible chat about the truth and how we handle situations like this is better than just shielding him from a fairly low key, mildly upsetting situation?

I know you are apparently a professional but this kind of thing is why we have so many children and young people now who seem unable to cope with any adverse situation that comes their way.

Your DS will be guided by you and it feels like you are making way too much of this. You need to make sure you are not projecting your own issues/fears because you will set him up to be just as upset as you are.
Explaining to him that there is an 'after party' and he is not going seems unnecessary. Then it really IS an issue because you've made it one and he will expect to feel negatively about it.
He hasn't been excluded. He is still excited to go, I assume. Even if the boy he does not get along with is there. (it's not clear whether he's actually being bullied or whether there is a kid that's been a bit mean to him) Why not just concentrate of what you have on after the party. "now don't forget, xxx is visiting today so we need to leave straight after the party" Make that the next fun event of the day.

If he raises it "can I go to xxx instead?" "why aren't I going to xxx" , don't focus on those who ARE invited "You can't today, remember we're doing xxx with xx" "but everyone else is". "no, most of the kids are leaving as well"

Let it play out and deal with it if and when it becomes an actual problem

The reduced invite to play games afterwards might be a practical issue.

We only have six controllers for our games console, and I think that games like Just Dance and Mario Kart have a maximum number of players.

When my daughters invite friends round to play, we try to keep numbers in line with the number of children who can play together at the same time so no one is excluded.

I would never arrange a party like this as it could leave some kids feeling upset they're not among the 'chosen ones'. Either have a big party or a small one, not both on the same day.
It changes friendships too, DS pulled back from a frinedship following a similar party, he wasn't upset, but he and the others who went home after the bigger party thought it was an odd thing to do.
I wouldn't pull out, he'll enjoy the main party, but maybe arrange for something fun to do with your relatives after the party so he's busy and distracted, and can say he couldn't go anyway if anyone says anything.

Withdrawing him 😂😂😂🤦‍♀️

I do think you’re overthinking it a bit op. He’s got an invite to a party! He isn’t being excluded. Im glad to see that you’re going to take him because if you didn’t then you’d be the one making him left out. The relatives visiting is a good way to protect his feelings if you think he’ll be sad he’s not going to the after party, in all honesty though he probably won’t care. He’ll have had a good time by then anyway. Chill.

A few people have mentioned that the children will likely still be talking about the party/sleepover at school next week.

Supposing OP chooses to protect her son by lying to him telling him he can't go to the sleepover because his family are visiting, as some have suggested. Is that potentially putting him at risk of saying something embarrassing in front of his classmates i.e. mentioning that he couldn't come because grandma/grandad were staying when the birthday boy (and perhaps also his friends) would know full well that he wasn't actually invited...?

But he was invited! He was invited to the main party. From the numbers many weren’t included at all. Why not focus on that? OP I think you’re projecting here. I have some really close mum friends at DS’s school. I can imagine doing laser tag and saying “afterwards why don’t you come back to mine for wine, as I’ll need it”. Then putting on some pizza for their kids later. I wouldn’t expect to now invite everyone back!

It is a perfectly reasonable arrangement.

People talk a lot of nonsense about resilience. I’m a psychologist and parents are always going on about kids ‘learning a lesson’ without understanding that children don’t learn in the way these parents think they learn. If you’re interested look up the work of Piaget and also Bandura.

Resilience doesn’t come from primary carers putting children in adverse situations to get used to it, that’s as mash up of conditioning and exposure, which can be harmful if done without skill. Resilience comes from knowing that their primary carer ‘has their back’ and they have a consistent safe environment to come back to if they experience adverse experiences. Our job as parents is not to leave our children wide open to adverse experiences (there will be plenty of those in their life anyway) our job is to be the safe space that allows them to feel whatever happens in their life they’ll be okay. Sometimes that involves a bit of fantasy that the kid needs to hear to create that safe space.

Your version of the party (can’t go because of relatives) is the safe explanation he can exist in. Maybe he’ll be told differently by classmates and that’s okay because he can come back to you and your safe explanation that protects his self-esteem.

Children need emotionally safe spaces more than lessons or ‘a dose of reality.’

Instead of withdrawing him from the first activity, how about you? OP play video games and eat pizza with your son back at home when you return?

@Snowdrops99

It’s highly likely, even if DS didn’t go to laser tag, that he would find out about the after party anyway. It will most likely be talked about out on Monday. He will know he wasn’t invited to it as his invite was just for the laser tag. By not taking him to the party you are not shielding him from this and he will feel just as hurt at not being invited. It’s not like you can keep him off of school till it it’s yesterdays news.

it may be better to just explain what is happening, without the dynamics, or about the bully. Then ask him if he still wants to attend.