AIBU to cancel after my son was excluded from the after-party?

There is an awful lot of projection and overthinking on this thread and I honestly think this is part of why kids seem to have so many issues these days.
Maybe I'm just being harsh but I really don't see the big deal here, it's really not that deep is it?

Invited to the main event, great, not that close to the birthday child so not invited to the sleepover - which will probably be hideous anyway & will result in grumpy, hyped up children high on sugar arguing and then struggling to sleep.

Just send him to the main event which is the laser thing and be glad he isn't at the other bit which will probably be not that great. 🤷‍♀️

But why bother inviting the bigger crowd to the laser then? Why not just invite the smaller group for the whole day? Your comparison has people you don’t really know which presumably isn’t the case with this bday party!
personally I don’t do two tiers , didn’t even do after invites for my wedding - I aim to be polite, warm and kind in life, but each to their own!
I think your point about considering what constitutes a friendship is a good one and something to encourage kids to explore - if they are unwelcoming/ want you at certain times but not others/create social hierarchies, are they really someone you want to be close to! You might still want to go to the laser party and I’d support the child in that, but I’d also support them if they chose not to and I would certainly be empathic to my child’s feelings, rather than telling him to get over it.

Actually if someone invited themselves to something I would not consider them a friend going forward anyway

The difference being that I’m an adult and they are a child so therefore they should suck it up and be “resilient”?
what is the difference apart from that?

But that's not remotely the same scenario. Firstly, I'm assuming there is a small number of friends to start with, so missing anyone out is very pointed. Secondly, dinner after a show is something you can easily invite yourself to if these people are good friends (and if they really didn't want you to go, then you might want to reconsider your idea of friends).

A better analogy will be someone organising a group from work to go to a show where some of the people are good friends, some know each other well enough but aren't particularly friends, and some don't really know each other at all. Then a few of the people that are good friends go to dinner at someone's house afterwards. Would you really expect them to invite the whole group?

People comparing this to an event with adults are missing the point spectacularly: inviting a group of tired, hyped-up 7 year-olds to your home for an overnight stay is not the same as adults going to dinner after a play (or whatever) - there’s an issue of responsibility and safety that makes it sensible to limit numbers to half a dozen.

It’s just not the same thing, and the parents taking offence and removing their child from the whole party are just cutting his nose off to spite their faces - or something.

They’re making him more socially isolated. He won’t be invited to the next party because “he doesn’t go to parties”. Counterproductive IMO.

But that's a completely different situation. The fact that you can't see the difference puts you in exactly the same category as the OP and other melodramatic projecters on the thread, where you're answering out of your own social insecurity rather than anything to do with the actual situation.

If he's been bullied by one of the boys going back to the party boys house, why would you even want him to go? I'd let him go to the party, he's been invited to the main party and it's not like all the kids invited are going back to the birthday boys house. I could see that you'd be upset if everyone was going back, apart from your son, but that's not the case here. I think you're being unreasonable.

It’s so strange. I’m meeting friends for a show this weekend. I would be a bit taken aback if half had planned dinner afterwards and hadn’t said it! I don’t think it’s about resilience either as it would feel different if arranged for another day etc.

There are 14 children going to the party and 5 to video games afterwards.
So there are 9 children not going i.e. a clear majority.

I agree. This point jarred particularly:

Your version of the party (can’t go because of relatives) is the safe explanation he can exist in. Maybe he’ll be told differently by classmates and that’s okay because he can come back to you and your safe explanation that protects his self-esteem.

Ignoring all the flowery language, if OP lies to her son by telling him the reason he's not going to the sleepover is because he has family visiting, it's going to be embarrassing if/when her son (who is already being bullied) finds out the truth from his peers, that he wasn't invited in the first place. Especially if he repeats the lie his mum has told him about his relatives. At 7yo, his friends are not going to be concerned about what version of truth he is existing in or what impact this has self esteem.

Lying is setting him up to fail IMO.

I assume it's only OP calling it the after party (doesn't sound like the language 7 year olds would use).

So basically there is a party, which OP's DC is invited to. And then the birthday boy, in something entirely different to the actual main party, is having some friends over to play video games at an entirely different place.

OP's DC is not invited to every single thing that children in his class do. Children talking about things they did that didn't involve him is a normal occurrence and not something that needs avoidance, separate activities planning, or huge amounts of explanation.

If there were 20 kids going to laser tag and five to the after party it would be fine. But to leave 3 of 8 out is unkind. And it can't really be argued that there is no space. 5 or 8 makes little difference.

Also if they are leaving out the unkind boy from the after party you have to question why they are bothering inviting him at all, given there are only 8 going in total.

Edited to say, sorry I misunderstood, I see there are 14 in total going to laser tag.

thank you so much for this, you hear so much rubbish about children learning lessons, being manipulative et cetera these days it’s really good to have somebody put it so clearly about what children need and it’s not being put in positions of hurt, worry, confusion and at times bullying.

OP, I would invite a couple of the children back to yours afterwards for pizza and games.

I’d be upset about this too OP so I get it. Ignore the twats on here. I’d allow him to go but I’d make a point of telling him I’d be collecting him straight after the laser tag as ‘we are so busy.’ Don’t worry about resilience lessons for now - Christ, he’s 7! Plenty of time for that

I’d then big up allowing him iPad / computer time for a few hours to take any focus off after parties and just make sure he’s feeling happy and settled

I’d also be trying to sort this low level bullying too by involving the school. Can’t they do an assembly on kindness or something?!! I dunno! But they are ideally placed to monitor this and suss out what’s happening there

I agree. It's crap when people do that and have an A list and B list.
Its like me going on a day out with a group of adults and saying "The following people are now invited back to mine for dinner and the following aren't."

None of the other children know about the ‘after party’, as far as we know. The OP specifically says her son doesn’t. There’s no reason to think he’s going to be ‘damaged’ by it, any more than he’d be ‘damaged’ by not being invited to a play date. This is the OP projecting.

Rather the reverse. Would you like to attend an event with only five other people, one of whom is your bully?

It shouldn't have been on same day with all the other children knowing about the after party. Not well thought out.
If dc is not into laser tag I’d cancel.

You're a psychologist and you’re telling @Snowdrops99 to lie to her child - and a lie that a bunch of other people, not necessarily well-intentioned towards him, will know is a lie?

Why do you think that’s a good idea? What will that do to his trust in his parents, as well as to his own “reputation” among his peers? He’ll be like the child who believes in Santa after everyone else because their parents keep confirming it to him. And over such a minor issue too.

I do get the point that resilience is about being the safe space for the child - I just don’t really believe that actively lying to him is being a safe space. Not after they find out the truth anyway,

But then I’m not a child psychologist. I’m open to being told which theory of child psychology says it’s a good idea to lie to a child to save them minor discomfort. What about a major issue like the death of a family member? Would lies about that be ok?

Except usually means there is a difference.

We had the same, as in there was two parts to the party EXCEPT the DIFFERENCE was that my son was the only one who wasn’t going on to the second part, so we made excuses.

This was a thing when my DC were at primary over 10 years ago. It was accepted that the closest friends of the party kid would often stay over.
Def allow him to go to the party.

It’s really not. The OP’s child is not invited to something. Neither are two thirds of those attending the birthday party. The OP, because she is socially insecure, sees this as an unwarranted ‘exclusion’, despite the fact that it’s an ‘exclusion’ being suffered by the majority of those attending the party AND despite the fact that, if he attended the smaller event, he’d be spending time in a small group with a child with a record of bullying him, something she’s mysteriously uninterested in.

Let him go to the party. Don’t make a big deal of it if he realises the other boys got to go to the after party. If he mentions it, just say oh no big deal we’ve got your family over to see you anyway. Disappointments happen in life.

Your experience isn’t remotely the same thing though!

In the OPs story, 9 out of 14 children haven’t been invited back. Her son being one of those nine.

This is distorting it!