AIBU to cancel after my son was excluded from the after-party?

I don't think it's anywhere near this simple. The epidemic of children and young people who are unable to cope with any pressure is, I think, multifactoral. It's not just that we're better at recognising and treating conditions (although that does play a part) It's parents working longer and harder so they don't have the time to devote to their children in those first formative years. It's the increase in social media exposure which is not a normal or healthy part of child development. It's that we're so averse to allowing children to experience anything uncomfortable that we're actually in turn denying them vital childhood experiences that develop them into resilient adults. It's learned helplessness on so many levels.

It always ends with ad homiem. 😔 I wish you well. I hope you look up the work I mentioned.

CAMHS has a huge waiting list because kids and their parents are not putting-up and shutting up with mental health issues like they used to 20 years ago. Add to that our understanding of neurodiversity has improved and more children are being referred instead being left to fail. You’ll know that being on a waiting list includes those seeking assessment, and not everyone will have a diagnosable condition.

For completeness, I just looked up the figures
68% of kids are not on a waiting list or diagnosed with a mental illness
12% are experiencing likely transient difficulties, of the type expected in childhood.
20% have a diagnosable mental health disorder.

I guess when you work in that 20%, it can seem like a lot more and there’s a lot of focus on that minority in the press which doesn’t help. We really need to keep sight of the 80% of kids who are mostly doing okay too. Discussing their whole generation as if they are all broken or ‘can’t cope’ does those kids a real disservice, don’t you think? It’s deeply unkind to the 20% with a condition or disorder and plain wrong about the other 80%.

Your reading skills aren’t great are they? For a psychologist. What on earth could make you think I said it was about “everything”? I explained in some detail the specific issues but you seem unable to deal with them.

Never mind.

You seem to have the impression I’m advocating lying about everything to a child?? I’ve never suggested that a child shouldn’t be told if a relative has died in an accident or by suicide. I’ve said that some questions a child might ask might not appropriate for them to know the answer and that may involve lying to maintain emotional safety.

I am genuinely fascinated at how my explanation of stuff that’s really common knowledge in psychology is causing such disquiet and turned into Chinese whispers where things I haven’t said are being presented to me as things I’ve said. I’m also surprised at how much animosity revealing my background has caused. I expect it on Facebook but not on Mumsnet for some reason. I’’m sorry if I’ve upset you but really, go read the work of the psychologists I mentioned and the subsequent studies that have come after. It will answer a lot of these questions.

Yes YABU. Life is not always fair. Papering every crack your child might experience in advance, is a sure fire way to kill their resilience.

We cant go through life without disappointment. The key imo, is gratitude for what we do have- in this instance he has an awesome party to go to.

The school of its never good enough, is demanding. Worth avoiding at all costs.

ETFT

... and be aware that if you request any critique on mumsnet, you're not only going to get some sensible recommendations and help, but also some abuse.

I'm sure that you'll handle this situation admirably. x

Be over-protective. it's fine x

It will be fine OP. Let him go to the laser tag (is there somewhere nice that you could go to whilst the 'party' takes place?).

There’s a massive difference in not describing the gruesome details of a violent death, and lying about something that other children will not believe - and will be correct not to believe (hence my comparison with Santa Claus).

That will damage the image other children will have of him: they’ll think he’s either a liar himself or is too stupid to know he is being lied to by his parents. And that definitely won’t make him popular, quite the contrary.

But also, when he comes back for confirmation to his parents, as you say, they’ll have to lie convincingly, probably several times. It’s very hard to do that so he’s likely to suspect that something is off. Especially when his classmates are telling him so convincingly (because it’s true) that he was never invited.

So you’re risking him discovering, or strongly suspecting, that his parents lied to him and made him look foolish in the eyes of his peers - and all over something so minor.

As to thinking you’ve “struck a nerve” - no. Rather, I have had the occasion to discuss a similar situation (the more serious one) with a psychologist, when an older family member, much loved by one of my children, who was her godson, committed suicide when he was 9. Obviously nobody thought of pretending she was still alive - lies have to be convincing (see my point above), but this person was of an age to have possibly died of natural causes. Except she hadn’t, and for various reasons a number of other people knew that. It wasn’t going to be a secret among the adults around him. So while I would have wished to protect my son from knowing that his godmother had killed herself, the child psychologist told me that the likely consequences of lying to him could be much worse. Because he would inevitably find out.

So I can’t understand why you would suggest that parents risk damaging the child’s confidence that they will tell him the truth, over such a minor issue. There are such simple alternatives: why would you advise them to take such a risk?

I am relating a lack of resilience to the young people I know in my own sphere of experience who are unable to cope with life and have dropped out in various ways/at various times.
And on the fact that CAMHS has a huge waiting list and can barely cope with the number of young people & children needing support.
And I am basing it on the fact that I work with young people and see it every day

If you are not seeing it then I find that quite strange.

This is about you not your son. He's not the only one not being invited back and while you say the others bully him, if he's that left out why was he invited to the laser tag thing? The birthday boy obviously wants him there.
And speaking of the birthday boy, it's his day not yours. His mum probably doesn't want a house full of and maybe she knows the families of the 5 boys going back.... I get it's upsetting but I think you're taking this way too personally.

Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill. We are talking about 15 kids going to a party and 5 going back for a sleepover. Obviously the mum wanted her child to have fun all day. A party which is over in a couple of hours and a sleepover so the fun continues. Thd OP is fussing over nithing. I hope her DS isnt picking up on her annoyance.
I wonder if rents of other 14 children not going to after party are making an issue of it. I doubt it.!

See my comment above. A lie to say that you have to spend time with your relative after the party it’s just not the only reason they’re not going to this after party.

I’m really not seeing an increase in children with a lack of resilience. I’m seeing children who are impressively aware of their vulnerabilities and are not ashamed to be open about that. If you equate resilience with an unhealthy suppressing of emotions, you probably do think young people can’t cope.

That might have been your intention but that's not how your post came across, it sounded as though you were saying he should avoid the whole thing & the OP should use the relatives line as an excuse.

Your reply here sounds more sensible and similar to what many others, myself included, have suggested.

What I actually suggested was going to the party and just not mentioning it. And only IF it’s mentioned to the son by another child, OP takes the line that he was not able to go because of plans with relatives- strictly speaking that isn’t a lie, it’s just not the only reason he’s not going.

Kids are a lot more likely after the event to talk about what they got up to, not who was invited and who wasn’t invited and why? If anyone does question why the son wasn’t at the after party he can just say he had to spend time with relatives, the kid whose party was can say they weren’t invited both things are true and can exist at the same time.

So you wept in corners when other children had playdates with their friends? Because that’s what this is.

Why is it so difficult for so many Mners to grasp that it’s fine for people to prefer other people to you?

Psychologists are not priests? Yes lying is sometimes appropriate with children (and adults) to protect their feelings? Surely that’s obvious? From Father Christmas to where babies come from, to what really happened to the family cat - lies or curated versions of the truth are often the kinder response.

If we were talking about the death of family member in a hideous accident lies might very well be appropriate to tell a child. You obviously wouldn’t pretend the person was still alive. However, the child will inevitably ask questions about the where the truthful answer will involve an element of gore and imagery not appropriate for a child. This is where you lie. This family member will be mentioned again in the future, and when they’re old enough, you can clarify the finer details and admit to lying to them as a child about the circumstances. We are not talking about creating family secrets that go on for decades. Winnicott is probably the seminal psychologist in the field of balancing reality and safety in child development if you’re interested. Vyotsky talks of ZPD and communicating within a child’s zone of understanding and capacity.

I get the sense I touched on a nerve though? To see lying as bad and truth as good is very black and white. It’s not how the world really works. Telling an acquaintance you hated their present is truthful but bad. Telling a bride they look beautiful when you don’t think they do, would be lying but it’s the right thing to do.

Then only invite 6. I think this is really thoughtless and setting up unnecessary upset

Mumsnet bottom feeders- ignore - sadly come with the territory. Anyways came to say, as a child I would have been hurt by this exclusion too. As a parent I would not allow this afterparty party . It smacks of creating exclusivity. Do it on a separate day if it is a numbers thing.

He's been invited, so let him go! You say he doesn't get invited to much and now you're going to avoid the one he is invited to?

This is not exclusion, for heaven's sake. He's been invited to a party.

I’m not “projecting” or managing my own insecurities. I work as a clinical psychologist specialising with children and I see the impact exclusion can have on some kids. Granted I see the cohort where it’s impacted their mental health to a significant degree so probably lots of kids that if doesn’t bother and I don’t see those so probably over sensitive to children’s well being. However my work has made me very mindful that children are often impacted by things adults dismiss as unimportant. I’m not sure why you’re so triggered about the idea that I favour inclusivity unless this is something you do for your kids? If it is, rock on, it doesn’t look like this thread will encourage any reflection.

Firstly, I think its great that he is going to the lazer party. He will enjoy all the running around.

But speaking from experience and having been in the same situation I would say that you have plenty of time to teach him about resilience... He's 7, he's going to a party - that's all he needs to focus on. Not the downside.

You have years of primary school to navigate... This is really not a problem to get upset about. Please separate it from the bullying issues. He is invited. That is a win. He is being included which means you currently have the co-operation of the other parents. That is valuable if you feel he is having a hard time at school and its not worth feeling slighted. As he moves through school there will be many many times where a friend only invites two other friends. Sometimes it will be his turn, sometimes it won't.. This is where you need to adopt a shrug your shoulders approach - that's resilience.. because there are other things he will be going to and other fun things he can do. Don't invest too much importance in one events.

Forget about the "after party"... they will all be so tired and over excited at the party and stuffed with cake and sugar and, the after party will not be as exciting as the main event. The other parent probably didn't want to have too many people perhaps because they knew the first party would be really full on.

You have so much time to organise some events that you can be in control of and can organise them the way you want. By the following Monday the party will be OLD NEWS. so you don't want your boy to still be thinking about it.

It's good to talk to your son about this, but if possible I would just emphasise the actual party and not gone on to him before hand about how he's not been invited to the after party and must be resilient because he's then got to go to the party feeling deflated. Its better to say you're going to the party and then seeing the relatives. Its not an excuse its what is actually happening. Don't make him feel that he's missing out on the best bit. Its not the best bit. It's fine to say we can't go to everything. The "after party" doesn't deserve this much attention. The confidence comes from thinking he has other things to do so it doesn't matter. He will pick up on your attitude to it.
If you are really worried about the bullying then speak to his class teacher. Look at the schools website for their bullying policy.
I would also be very very very careful what you say to other parents about this, parents at school rarely keep a secret unless you know them really well. That may not even be with bad intent.. but it leaks out and it won't help you.

Building his confidence is what will make him resilient.
if he's being bullied it helps to build his out of school confidence, so that he has a wide range of things to focus on - build some friendships with people he says he gets on with and plan some nice things to do with them, like a fun film at the weekend or a trip to the skateboard park or just playing video games together. Find some after school activities or clubs he can do, swimming, or sports or music or drama, so he has things to look forward with people outside his school class. Most parents will be grateful for their son to have playdates in the summer holidays and that will help your son too.
Wishing you and your son all the very best.

Projecting much?

Because 7 year olds' birthday parties aren't like weddings.

Because they're small children still figuring out friendships and often floating around different friendships and friendships groups. The four close friends being invited back to the house might well be four entirely different kids in September.

Because at 7, there are still loads of full class birthday parties, so invitations are being reciprocated among children who aren't (currently) one another best buddies.

Thinking there's a 'social hierarchy' in this just speaks of your own insecurity. The 7 year old in question doesn't even know about this other event, and is quite possibly unlilkely to want to attend a smaller event that involves his bully, even if it involves playing video games.