AIBU to cancel after my son was excluded from the after-party?

In your own words, the boys aren't particularly close. It's lovely that your ds has nonetheless been invited to the larger party. I don't know why you think he should also have been invited to the after-party. Naturally it is going to be a smaller gathering if it is at home, and so a few kids will have been left off the list -- lots, in fact: all of the girls and nearly half of the boys. Why should that make your son feel singled out?
Children are invited to some social events and not others. Same as adults. The best way to protect your son's self-esteem is to model a completely relaxed response to that, otherwise he might start to feel like not being particularly close friends with everyone somehow points to a failure or fault in him

An arrow in his back!

You are in danger of making this child a gibbering wreak of worries.

He has been invited to a party. Let him go to the party.

An after party?!

Yabu. He’s been in to an exciting activity for a birthday party. You have accepted the invitation.

Now you have ‘heard’ that the child is having some friends over.

So you want to stop your child from going to a birthday party he would enjoy?

Why would he be that upset? You don't mention it or just keep it to well maybe they can't invite everyone.
You could always host a sleepover in the holidays if you are worried he misses out socially.

That is silly to make him miss the main party. As they get older this can happen. My daughter has been to a few parties where they have been at home and done party games or crafting in the afternoon and a party tea, with 3-4 friends then being invited to sleepover. Last year she wasn't included to sleepover but this year she was.
Don't be that mum that makes a fuss over nothing.

I can see everyone’s point but there is a chance that the kid who’s bullied the OP’s son might take the opportunity to crow about most of the boys - but not OP’s son - going for pizza/party afterwards. If his ego is already fragile this could set him back.

I agree about resilience but kids’ parties can be a political ballache and tbh I’m glad my DCs are adults now.

One of the other posters above is likely on the money with this group of kids having parents who are friendly with each other. I often find in my son's friend group (year 7) that he isn't always included as all the parents have known each other for a few years and my son only met the kids in year 7 so I have no relationship with them. I think it makes a big difference to who gets included as it's often the parents suggesting these things. Don't make him miss the actual party. He'll have a great time and you can just say not everyone gets invited to everything. It's a good life lesson even though it stings. Trust me I've had all these same feelings with my son and his 'group' but he's fine and often takes it on the chin.

god that’s so depressing.

Please don’t raise your concern with the mum - I’d be so annoyed if you did this - I’d feel you were trying to force my hand to have your son or else he wasn’t coming to the party. It really will not help your sons friendships.

This is the saddest option.
did that you’re just pushing your own insecurities on your child. Why would you do that?

You’re being precious, OP. Just send DS to the party element, let him enjoy it, come home before it gets too intense, particularly if there’s been any picking on/bullying vibes.

Ive done parties in this format before (large group for an activity, smaller core for a sleepover afterwards) and it works well for the party kid. It also works for most other parents who don’t want their kid sleeping over at a house they’ve on the whole never even visited for a playdate before. You can’t be best friends with everyone!

Surely you understand the party family can’t have all 15 kids sleeping over?

By any chance does the mum drive a people carrier and that's all she'll fit it? Maybe her and dad and the son was told to pick 5 because she didn't have room for anymore?
Could you raise your concern with the mum if you are close to her? Maybe say that son has been getting a hard time lately off little Peter and I think if he finds out he's not invited to the after bit he might be really disheartened so I hope you don't mind if he misses the party as he's been really down lately and you don't think this will help the situation.

I think I’d tell him he can’t go to the party as relatives are coming. You will feel better about it and shield him from hurt, if he’s being bulled anyway why expose him to the boy anyway. Just make the decision. Not every thing has to be a lesson. We can choose peace.

So 5 out of 14 children invited to the party are doing something after and you now don’t want your child to go to the party if they aren’t included in everything, even though you accept they aren’t overly close friends?

Your own reactions are really going to limit your child’s social life.

take him to the party he’s been invited to. This is a shining opportunity to create stronger friendships with his peer group.

I think you're 'cutting off your nose to spite your face' a little bit there.

Why make him miss out on a fun activity and chance to bond with his peers just because he hasn't been invited to something else. I don't think he even really needs to know, but if he does help him to manage any disappointment he might feel.

Dealing with disappointment is a crucial life skill and it's your job to teach him how to do it. Avoid disappointment because it makes you uncomfortable/sad is doing him a disservice.

We do this - main party then a very small handful of closest friends back afterwards to hang out. I’m quite certain others do it too where my DS is not invited. 5 out of 14 going back is a very small handful. Don’t make him miss the party itself - if he asks you just say it was only a few and when it’s his party he can do the same or whatever. You do need to teach him some resilience I’m afraid with this sort of thing. The birthday boy is entitled to have his closest friends back and your DS should be pleased to be invited to the main event.

why woukd you stop him going to the actual birthday party with the lazer tag op??

its fine for kids not to be invited to absolutely everything !!

maybe he isn’t aa close to the birthday person as the other boys are,but either way stomping your feet and withdrawing him from the main event seems very over kill

That’s completely different though

OP, please don't. That is the sort of mistake I used to make, through being over-sensitive about DC. And it really doesn't help them to relax socially.

You need to teach a bit of resilience, how to handle disappointment, and not to bitterly judge others for sometimes choosing not to include him. Teach him to be relaxed about this, and it will help him far more, socially, than teaching him to feel excluded and bitter. He has been invited to the lazer tag. That's great. Have him go to that and organise to go out for pizza as a family afterwards, or invite the boys who aren't going to the after-party back to yours for pizza and film.

children just aren’t invited to everything all
of the time and he needs to learn that this is ok. I wouldn’t take away the whole party from him if he wants to go just because the parents have arranged something else in their day….

It’s not remotely similar, 9 kids are not invited,