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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to cancel after my son was excluded from the after-party?

386 replies

Snowdrops99 · 01/07/2026 21:54

DS 7 is due to go to a birthday party this weekend at a location around a 30 minute drive away, similar party to laser tag with activity then party food and cake. They've invited 9 boys and 5 girls from the class. The boys play together at school but I wouldn't say any of them are particularly close.

Anyway, it turns out there's an after party back at the birthday boys house, with 5 of the 8 boys invited to play video games and eat pizza. DS hasn't been invited to this part of the party. I know he'll be so upset when he finds out as he loves those activities. He'd choose doing that over laser tag I think. I'm thinking of withdrawing him from the party as we have relatives visiting anyway. That way I can take the blame and he doesn't feel his peers have left him out.

Aibu to cancel him going to the party to avoid him feeling completely left out?

Backstory - DS been dealing with some bullying issues from one of the boys in this group of 5 and his self esteem is already pretty low. I worry this could make things even worse for him.
In addition, I know that one of the 3 who are excluded have been unkind to the birthday boy at times recently so that feels like this boy is being excluded deliberately. My DS is quieter than the other boys so not the first on everyone's list to be invited to things.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock000 · 01/07/2026 22:42

Who told you about the after party? Was it another parent? Maybe the children invited have to been told to keep stump, you are actually being very entitled, if there is 14 boys in the group, there is naturally going to be off branch closer friends, why should the mother invite 14 children back when she only wants 5. You are thinking about this through an adult brain, these children will need to be supervised they’re 7, yet you want her to invite everyone? Parents too? Or should she look after them all, It’s her child’s birthday. She’s been more than generous. There is at least 8 other children not going.

AgnethaF · 01/07/2026 22:42

@Snowdrops99 I’d be really glad my ds wasn’t going to the after party if the bully was going.

At least the kids will have a nice organised activity to focus on and bond over at the main party.

The after party will just give the bully more time and freedom to be nasty and I’d be more than happy to give that a miss.

99bottlesofkombucha · 01/07/2026 22:41

I wouldn’t let my child have a follow up party with a special group at that age but I would also not pull my dd out of going, that way doesn’t lead anywhere positive.

Bushmillsbabe · 01/07/2026 22:40

But OP you cannot change what another parent has decided to do. I think the advice from @AnonymousLibrarian is the best, go to main party and then say he couldn't have stayed anyway due to family occasion

ClovisWrites · 01/07/2026 22:39

I think you’re being petulant, entitled and rude. You’re going to turn down some hospitality because others, in circumstances you don’t fully understand, are being offered more? Is it the child or you who’s 7?

Original poster
Snowdrops99 · 01/07/2026 22:38

@Wingwalk I don't think that's the case. We don't allow a lot of video gaming at home but he loves it. Knowing a group of friends is doing an activity you love and you're excluded is going to be difficult to just brush off.

OP posts:
Bushmillsbabe · 01/07/2026 22:38

Snowdrops99 · 01/07/2026 22:29

@PurpleThistle7 @Bushmillsbabe In some ways I feel that if you're selecting a group, why not just keep the whole party to that group if they are your actual best friends?

The problem with DD's group is that her top 2-3 constantly change, it's the same with all of then. They all get on but who is best friends with who seems to change every week. So if I invited XYZ for the sleepover a few weeks before, by time it came round her BFF's could be A,B and C

I think I will advise her to have a bigger gathering with more of them, and she can have 1to sleepover another time.

RaininSummer · 01/07/2026 22:37

It's a shame but he will need to learn at some point that you don't always get invited to things.

Ultravox · 01/07/2026 22:36

I think this is very bad form from the birthday boy’s parents. You just don’t have a 2 tier party as it makes it so obvious who are the select few favourites. My DS wanted to do this one year - to have 12 kids to a organised party then a sleepover with just a few & I refused. We separated the 2 plans so the party was on his birthday and the sleepover happened a few weeks later.

Not sure what I’d do in your shoes but withdrawing from the party does sound like a good idea with all the drama that seems to be going on.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 01/07/2026 22:34

If you don’t take him it’ll impact his friendship in the group going forward.
There is always a buzz having spent a weekend together at a party .
You’d be very cruel not to take him. Protecting his feelings isn’t always a priority idea, he may not care, might be tired after the party, you’re setting up a scenario that may not happen.
If he’s la cking confidence start him in the local football team, it’s good to have separate friends to school.

AnonymousLibrarian · 01/07/2026 22:31

Your idea of not taking him because of relatives visiting could be changed to the reason he needs to leave promptly at the end of the party. You could say you're sorry he can't stay longer because there's a special treat at home with the family who are visiting. Announce this in earshot of the other kids at the beginning of the party and tell him in advance that you've said you need to leave by 5pm or whatever time fits.
This means he can go to the party but he can't stay for anything else. Why not offer to take home the boys not going to the after-party and make it a fun journey home. This might be an opportunity for them to make better friends.

saraclara · 01/07/2026 22:31

One of the other posters above is likely on the money with this group of kids having parents who are friendly with each other

That. If he says anything, I'd just tell him that just a few of the others are going back to the house because their mums and dads are friends.

It's weird that you're worried about him being upset about not being there, yet you're prepared to upset him much more by telling him he can't go to the activity part.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 01/07/2026 22:31

PurpleThistle7 · 01/07/2026 22:22

This is interesting as I told my son he couldn’t do this. He wanted to have a laser tag party like last year but have his 4 besties stay over after. I said he had to pick one as it just felt wrong to split the party. But maybe I was being over sensitive! He was delighted with his sleepover party in the end but will think again when he asks next year.

No, not over sensitive. I never allowed my children play flavour of the month with friends.
I didn’t like when it happened to me as a child, it’s a strick no no. They ain’t having that control over anyone.

Original poster
Snowdrops99 · 01/07/2026 22:29

@PurpleThistle7 @Bushmillsbabe In some ways I feel that if you're selecting a group, why not just keep the whole party to that group if they are your actual best friends?

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowdrops99 · 01/07/2026 22:28

I don't know, my feeling is that if I went out for lunch with some friends and then found out a select group of 5 / 8 were going back to someone's house for drinks etc id feel pretty left out. Especially if one of those people was being quite nasty to me. I don't think that's abnormal?

I should add that in this group of 14 the boys play together and the girls are more due to the parents friendships. So really this is about the boys and their friendship.

At the same time it's obviously been difficult recently with all this horrible behaviour starting in the last few months. Maybe I could have brushed it off a bit more before now.

OP posts:
Wingwalk · 01/07/2026 22:27

Sounds like he lacks resilience and he probably learned it from you

EmeraldShamrock000 · 01/07/2026 22:27

He might be asked back on the day. DD always invited kids back and I planned for a few kids but she’d announce it to them all.
Those were the days when she was a confident little kid before she turned into a quiet mouse.
The boy probably asked a select few. The parent sounds really kind and inclusive so it might just be that she gave a number for the after party. On the day it might be different.

whatcanthematterbe81 · 01/07/2026 22:27

I think to get invited at all is nice when I’m sure the class is more than double the 14 invited. I think it’s a non issue. Some people are closer than others

Bushmillsbabe · 01/07/2026 22:26

PurpleThistle7 · 01/07/2026 22:22

This is interesting as I told my son he couldn’t do this. He wanted to have a laser tag party like last year but have his 4 besties stay over after. I said he had to pick one as it just felt wrong to split the party. But maybe I was being over sensitive! He was delighted with his sleepover party in the end but will think again when he asks next year.

I was thinking this too. DD10 asked if she could have 7 -8 during day and then 3 of them sleepover. I told this would be super awkward and feel like she is 'ranking' her guests. But many of the responses on here seem to think would be an OK thing to do?

Bufftailed · 01/07/2026 22:24

5 out of 14 are not going overnight, frame it that way. Best he goes

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/07/2026 22:24

5 friends for a sleepover so 6 in all is enough

9 other kids aren’t going back either

PepsiBook · 01/07/2026 22:24

You are excluding him yourself by not allowing him to go to a fun party.
Most of the kids are not invited to the after party. Excluding someone would be if everyone was except for your child.

PurpleThistle7 · 01/07/2026 22:22

This is interesting as I told my son he couldn’t do this. He wanted to have a laser tag party like last year but have his 4 besties stay over after. I said he had to pick one as it just felt wrong to split the party. But maybe I was being over sensitive! He was delighted with his sleepover party in the end but will think again when he asks next year.

Notrainingbutpouring · 01/07/2026 22:21

Teeheehee1579 · 01/07/2026 22:03

We do this - main party then a very small handful of closest friends back afterwards to hang out. I’m quite certain others do it too where my DS is not invited. 5 out of 14 going back is a very small handful. Don’t make him miss the party itself - if he asks you just say it was only a few and when it’s his party he can do the same or whatever. You do need to teach him some resilience I’m afraid with this sort of thing. The birthday boy is entitled to have his closest friends back and your DS should be pleased to be invited to the main event.

yes the second tier should be so grateful 😂

EmeraldShamrock000 · 01/07/2026 22:21

It’s up to you. That’s pretty normal in my experience when there is an after party. It’s a calmer atmosphere with really close friends. You’ve no idea how close they are outside your DS relationship.
Just plan something for DS after the laser tag. It’s not a cheap invite, so the mother will probably be relieved saving £20. Don’t bite your nose to spite your face.