AIBU to cancel after my son was excluded from the after-party?

YABU Let your ds enjoy the party and explain not everyone can always be invited to everything. There is no need for jealousy, your ds might be asked another time. I suggest to go with the flow. Tell your ds it's a small get together at birthday boys house, maybe the families know each other. No need to turn it into a rejection story. If you show him now that not being invited does not mean he is not liked, he'll thank you later. Ask one of the other dc who's not going to the after party to have tea at yours, turn it into a playdate.

I agree keep it breezy. From how sensitive you're being about this I can imanage you plan to sit him down and have a big serious talk about how he shouldn't be upset that he's not been invited to the whole party (or similar), which will probably just upset him before he even gets there. Remember he's learning social skills all the time, including from you.

Erm, adults do this all the time. Have you never heard of an evening guest at a wedding? Or pre-drinks with a friend before going out with a bigger group? Only last week I went to the pub after work with lots of colleagues then for dinner with two of them. Total normal

Well there's your answer, after the party he gets to come home and relax playing video games for a couple of hours. Win win.
Also, a very breezy, don't forget we've got your cousins visiting this afternoon so be ready to go home when the party finishes. Cousins can then play video games with him. If there are no cousins then just change it to aunt and uncle.

He won’t always be invited and he won’t always be liked. But it’s your job to teach him how to be ok with that. Trying to
protect him from it won’t do him good in the long run.

No one wants their child to hurt. We have to find a way to teach them it’s ok to hurt then teach them how to deal with it and move on.

I'm afraid it is the case. The video game thing is irrelevant. You can't go to everything you want to go to. If you want to "protect" your child from a normal part of life then whatever. Please don't make it super awkward for everyone by taking it up with the organiser though.

I voted Yabu because I don’t see the logic in making him miss out on two things. He’s been invited to the main party, there could be any number of reasons why only a few are going back to the house after. Space, parents being friends, etc? If you have relatives coming then surely it’s better for you to be out at the party for less time so you can go back and see them?

I really don’t think pulling him out is in his best interests at all, it’s also very rude to the parents who will have paid for his place now probably. If he asks why he’s not going just have an answer prepared, you can even say he isn’t allowed to go because he needs to get back to spend time with his family.

I think it's sad that you're considering taking away the opportunity for your son to have fun, as well as hopefully form better friendships. The parents don't have to invite all the children back to their home, quite right too and it's ok for children not to be invited to everything.

If you are worried about him missing out on the games, then let that day be one of the days that you do allow gaming at home. By the time he's stuck in, he'll not give the others as much thought as he will be having the best end to a fun day.

You are in for one hell of a ride if you are fixating on this issue OP

It is very important your child grows up to be resilient, confident and knowing that he will not be invited to every social function throughout life because people are able to decide whom they invite.

He has been invited to the party, so should focus on that and be a fabulous guest.

This is the very definition of cutting off your nose to spite your face! You’re going to stop your son, who doesn’t get many invitations, from going to a party, because you think he should also have been invited back to the house? Probably the Mum said her ds could choose 5 friends to come back and your son, along with the majority of the partygoers, wasn’t among them. You said yourself that they’re not that close. Kids have to navigate not being invited to things all through their school life. You won’t make it any easier for your ds by becoming so over-invested in his social life that you contemplate preventing him from accepting invitations he does get!

The best thing you can do is let him enjoy the party and if he appears at all put out by not going back to the house, you can discuss the possible reasons with him - birthday boy could only choose 5 children and ds isn’t best friends with him/birthday boy’s parents are good friends with the parents of the invited boys etc. etc. You can bolster his self-esteem by helping him re-frame any negative experiences rather than trying to prevent them happening, which will ultimately backfire imo.

I don’t think that’s really the question though, because the OP isn’t asking if she should do that (FWIW I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing it either)

But @Snowdrops99 is considering having her son left out of the whole event just because there’s another part to it. I think that’s a mistake. By refusing the invitation she’s just increasing his social isolation, not improving the situation.Much better to model relaxed resilience, as others have said. How would it have felt if he hadn’t been invited at all? Yet that’s the effect of refusing the invitation.

Honestly it feels like projection to me. Let the lad to the laser tag party and then do something else nice with him afterwards - maybe even invite the other three boys back to your house after?

14 kids for a party is manageable. 14 kids for a sleepover afterwards is not. It ia completely reasonable to limit it to sensible numbers. Stopping him going to the party is cutting off your nose to spite your face. He is old enough to understand.

You are projecting an adult interpretation onto a kids thing. There is nothing more likely to ruin a child socially than a parent doing this, kids don't have the subtext and can bounce right back, unless as adult is in their ear telling them how bad something is.

Every single day there will be someone he knows playing a video game, eating pizza or seeing a friend - everyone has a life they are just getting on with, not a single one is excluding him by doing so.

As for things you can do, does he have a close friend in the group not hanging about after? Maybe invite him back to yours to play games?

He absolutely should go to the party, the absolute max you should do is pick him up ten minutes early (due to family commitments) so he isn't the last to be collected and the others are stayingl.

My guess is that this is (a) a product of the birthday parents needing to provide transport and childcare for some of the children to attend, (b) parents meeting up for a drink and a natter to decompress after the party, or (c) a complete figment of the birthday child’s imagination (mine often tell their friends about plans that are just in their heads!).

It’s fine though. Now is definitely the time to start learning that we don’t always get everything that someone else gets. A sleepover with one or two children after a big birthday party is quite typical as they get older. Definitely a good time to work on resilience.

I learnt it’s better not to take these things personally as often things are not ill meant. I’m guessing larger group to laser tag and then either the parents know each other or the birthday boy was told to pick 5 friends to come over after. Not uncommon for kids to give 5 names today and a different list tomorrow. In my DD’s class, people either invited all the girls or maybe 8-10 as that seemed to be the requirement for certain types of parties. We just played it down, no big deal kinda thing and she was rarely bothered if she wasn’t invited to things. I really do think building resilience in the little things is key. Yes he may feel left out but the feeling will pass and there will be times he’s not left out. I understand the desire to save your child from any pain as I often feel that too but they have to experience the feelings to be able to deal with them and you will be with him to help. Re confidence building, one idea might be to join clubs etc with kids from outside of school so there’s more than one ‘pool’ of friends.

Maybe it isn’t a second part of the party. Maybe it’s chill out time with a few Friends playing video games as they are young children, I’m sure the mother will be tired after the event, looking after 5 children is enough.
If OP doesn’t allow gaming often making her son want it more, she can give him some gaming time at home.

You should not stop your son from going to the main party - he could have a lot of fun. If you are happy and positive when you pick him up - and whisk him away as soon as it ends - he probably won’t even be aware that others are going back to the birthday boy’s house.
If he does twig what’s happening then you should just explain that there was only room for a smaller group of people - and that you are looking forward to spending a lovely evening with your son at home. This will help him learn how to deal with disappointment.

It’s up to you to frame it appropriately so that he understands that being invited to the laser tag is a lovely thing and not being invited to the after party isn’t the end of the world. Children take their lead from their adults in these things and we can either use situations like this to build their resilience to disappointment or we can teach them that being disappointed is an emotion they shouldn’t have to cope with.

If this had happened with either of my two I’d have reminded them what fun they would have at the party and then when we get home we’re doing x,y,z. If they’d said they were sad that little Johnny was going to the birthday boy’s house but not them I’d have been quite brisk and said something like ‘Yes I know it’s a bit disappointing but he can invite whoever he likes to his house and that doesn’t always mean that everyone will be invited. When it’s your turn, you get to decide who comes back to the house. You’re going to have lots of fun at the party and then Grandma is coming over so we will have ice cream for tea…’. Or whatever!! Show him that a) it’s not the end of the world and b) that you have every confidence in his ability to deal with the disappointment. He will take all his cues from you.

I can see where you’re coming from - it would be considered rude and hurtful as adults so I’m not sure why we would expect children to be fine with it. Plus teaching a child resilience isn’t just letting bad things happen to them which a lot of posters seem to think, so I wouldn’t worry about that. I do think he will find out anyway so in some ways I might be more likely to talk him through it eg some families make choices that we wouldn’t and how to you feel about it, would you like to go (he might want to go to the laser part) and also may need space to say that while he’s excited about that part, he’s sad about not going to the second part and it’s okay to feel both. If he wanted to go, I’d support him and if he didn’t I wouldn’t feel bad declining.

This, your DS isn't one of three being left out. It's quite common for a few friends to go back afterwards in my experience, if the parents were to have all 14 kids and their parents at their house they'd be hosting another huge party.

And that is one of lifes great lessons.

Its a bit like being 15 and really liking a boy, making it obvious how keen you are and then he chats up your best friend and asks her. Stings like a bee but thats his choice. Tough. Get over it, there will be others. Ditto applying for a job, thinking you are the best applicant and then not getting an offer.
Similar lesson for your ds. Hes been invited to one thing and not the other and thats ok. No biggie. There will be lots of other things he is also not invited to/not part of. And lots of things he is invited to.

But if you don’t send him to the main party, he’ll find out about it anyway and feel even more out of things. And that it’s his mum’s fault.

It was a really silly idea to not invite some children to the second half of the party. How to make kids feel unwanted. If you don't send him I wouldnt say anything re the arrangements. Just say sorry your DS can't make it.

Omg do NOT raise your concerns with the mum. That would be awful and so cringey.

I would let him go to the laser tag, it will be a good bonding experience, and explain to him that not everyone could be invited back afterwards and you’ve got family coming anyway.