AIBU to cancel after my son was excluded from the after-party?

Hi OP, any from the excluded group that you could invite to your house afterwards, perhaps a sleepover?

The majority of kids will not be going to this, it's not like he's being left out.

Don't isolate your son even more.

Yes, I don't know why you want your son to spend more time with the bullying boy.

I honestly think you have to step back in general. These are seven year olds, and getting invested in and upset about every small falling out etc is not going to be helpful for either of you.

But isn't it 9 others who aren't going back after? Not just your 1? If so I think excluded is the wrong term, that sounds like it is just your child not invited afterwards. You can't spend all his childhood pulling him from things if there's the slightest chance it may not be exactly what you'd want. He will never learn anything about real life.

So there are 16 kids at the party including the birthday child, and then they’ve invited his 5 “best friends” back to their house for pizza and to play games. Why can’t the birthday child do that?

if my DD was in your son’s position I would allow her to go the party and then maybe take her out for pizza or have a movie at home, something she likes to do.

we can’t all be invited to everything, all of the time and I think it’s ok that kids learn that. It’s not a punishment.

the child who has been bullying your son, presumably is friends with the birthday child enough to be invited back

If you’re worried about your son socially then withdrawing him from a birthday party just because of this is a really bad idea. There will be a reason behind it, it’s the parents’ house and their and the birthday boys’ house. At 7 they won’t be invited to everything. You are building the barriers you are trying to take down by withdrawing him.

Also parents didn’t get involved in the politics of friendships - you liked who you liked.

The fact the main party is 30 minutes away puts a different spin on this as well. Does it help to think of this as an entirely different event and not part of the party?

At the end of main party everyone will get in cars and go away. Will your DS really notice who is going where? Yes, there will be some chat about the video games bit, but presumably DS knows he does not get invited to every single get together of every child in his class ever. He'll only be upset if you make it a big deal.

Unfortunately OP I think you need to look at why this has upset you so much.

The problem with people forcing kids to be inclusive (regardless of their own likes and dislikes) is that when they grow up and learn that the world is genuinely not like that, it causes angst.

Children and adults should understand that they don’t have to include everyone or be included in everything.

When I was growing up (70s and 80s) it was normal not to be included in everything and we didn’t even question it.

As adults there are people we don’t want to spend time with so why can’t we give children the same freedom?

There seems to be a lot of people on MN for whom not being invited to something or included in a group of school mums is a new experience that causes so much drama so perhaps it’s time for a rethink about resilience.

He'd likely hear about the after party at school anyway so the damage is done either way. The parents may handle it sensitively, not mention it at the time and just bundle children into the car to leave the venue.

How come you know all the details?

Who’s going to the party, who’s going back to the house, who needs a lift, who doesn’t, who the birthday boys parents are friends with?

Who cares!

Your son is one of 14 going to the party out of a class of how many, 26-30? Isn’t he lucky.

If one boy going back is bullying your son why do you want your son to spend any more time with this boy where the bully’s attention will be more on your son?

I'd let him go to the laser tag, if he was the only one not invited to this after party I'd get it OP but as he's not yabu.

So 14 people are invited and less than half are going back to the house? I think you are overreacting by cancelling it all

I’ve been that parent. Big party at a location that can accommodate it (and my budget considered to pay for it) then a smaller gathering/sleepover at my house. The smaller number at home is due to my considerations of how many I can practically/safely/financially host and still be present without my own overwhelming kicking in.

On these times, and it still happens now with my teens, it’s because they have their own ideas of how they want to celebrate but don’t understand the financial and practical logistics, so we work on compromise and finding solutions that can do both.

Try to not take this personally and chat to your child about boring practical adult stuff that may have created these decisions. I’m sure he’ll understand that he is actually wanted there but practically can’t be there for all of it for reasons beyond his or the birthday child’s control. Yes, there may be friendship dynamics that have come into play here, but try to discourage focusing on that.

It’s no different from adults trying to plan a wedding and navigating firstly, their budget, then x capacity at the ceremony, y capacity at the sit down meal and z capacity at the reception party.

I'm glad you're starting to get perspective on this. The fact that you have relatives visiting surely gives you a very straightforward way of moving on from the laser quest thing, and if he mentions the pizza event, you just say that her wouldn't be able to go anyway because of your visitors.

And again, there are nine other kids in the same position. He's by no means a sole individual who's being actively rejected.

This is very good advice!

My kids are older now and looking back I can see that fretting about my kids’ friendships / intervening where I felt there were sleights or issues was never a positive thing.

It didn’t satisfactorily resolve any issues - it just created new problems. It prevented the kids dealing with things by themselves (the resilience point). And it made me stressed and worried a lot of the time.

If I could do it all again I would take a much more hands off approach. You should definitely send your son and don’t raise the after party at all. If he raises it, brush over it and move on to something else.

If you take the attitude of missing out on everything if you can’t join it all, then you will end up missing out on loads.

It’s so hard isn’t it? And we want to protect our kids! I guess the equivalent I’m thinking is being invited to the afters of a wedding.
definitely talking him through it and allowing him to make the decision - too many posters think building resilience is plonking a kid in a tricky situation but they need scaffolding - you sound like a really thoughtful mom and he’s lucky to have you.

Hard agree with all the suggestions to go to Laser Tag. Focus on that.

That’s a horrible think to do to the kids who aren’t invited! Do the get together another day when the other kids clearly aren’t being singled out as not good enough to go to the after party! Talk about teaching your child how to be thoughtless and unkind and bully other kids!

There is probably a maximum that they can fit in cars if they’re driving the boys back afterwards. I’ve never been keen on after parties- mainly because the kids are already so hyped they often need down time. in this case I think you’re being over sensitive as there are lots not going and I suspect they will all crash at some point and be a bit hideous once home.

I’d also say 7 year olds can be horrible little things. They are learning social rules, trying to assert some independence, finding their own personality and friends and often trying to be a bit more grown up than they can handle. I think it’s really normal to be having some friendship issues at that age.

My DS wanted to do something like this as well for his party. I told him he got to invite ONE friend for sleepover and pizza after the laser game. That way the other 8 invited wouldn't feel excluded because they were in clear majority and I also told him not to talk about it and said so to the boy as well. There was no need for bday boy to invite the majority of the boys- ofcourse the few others would feel excluded. I think I would be upfront with my ds and let him decide whether he wanted to attend the laser tag or not knowing that he was excluded from the afterparty.

But that’s life though! Not everyone can be included in everything. He’s 7, they’re kids. He’s not being ostracised but if you decide to stop him from going to the party you’ll be the one ostracising him! I’m saying this kindly - you’re being over protective. I bet your DS is already aware that you’re not happy about the arrangements, and that is teaching him to be unhappy about it too. Instead, he should be looking forward to the party with his friends and understand that not all can go back to the party boys house for the ‘after party’.
take him to the party, then when you pick him up take him for an ice cream or something on the way home so he can tell you all the fun things that happened at the party.
Don’t dwell on the ‘after party’, be breezy if he asks. “It’s nice that party boy has got a couple of friends going round, he only has room for a few. Do you want sprinkles on your ice cream?’

Maybe time for your own sleepover video game party then