AIBU to cancel after my son was excluded from the after-party?

Snowdrops99 · 2026-07-01T20:54:43+00:00

DS 7 is due to go to a birthday party this weekend at a location around a 30 minute drive away, similar party to laser tag with activity then party food and cake. They've invited 9 boys and 5 girls from the class. The boys play together at school but I wouldn't say any of them are particularly close. Anyway, it turns out there's an after party back at the birthday boys house, with 5 of the 8 boys invited to play video games and eat pizza. DS hasn't been invited to this part of the party. I know he'll be so upset when he finds out as he loves those activities. He'd choose doing that over laser tag I think. I'm thinking of withdrawing him from the party as we have relatives visiting anyway. That way I can take the blame and he doesn't feel his peers have left him out. Aibu to cancel him going to the party to avoid him feeling completely left out? Backstory - DS been dealing with some bullying issues from one of the boys in this group of 5 and his self esteem is already pretty low. I worry this could make things even worse for him. In addition, I know that one of the 3 who are excluded have been unkind to the birthday boy at times recently so that feels like this boy is being excluded deliberately. My DS is quieter than the other boys so not the first on everyone's list to be invited to things.

TheBlueKoala · 13/07/2026 20:30

Snowdrops99 · 13/07/2026 19:58

Another one who feels having a go at a random person on Mumsnet is ok. Check yourself.

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Please ignore. I'm happy it all worked out!

Original poster

Snowdrops99 · 13/07/2026 19:58

CoffreFort · 13/07/2026 16:57

Your ‘lesson’ should be to stop projecting your own social insecurities onto your child and to stop making giant mountains put of tiny, tiny molehills.

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Another one who feels having a go at a random person on Mumsnet is ok. Check yourself.

OP posts:

Original poster

Snowdrops99 · 13/07/2026 19:54

@EmeraldShamrock000 maybe you need to learn a few lessons of your own before you go writing unkind and frankly very rude messages. Not sure what your problem is but I think it's time for some self reflection!

OP posts:

Original poster

Snowdrops99 · 13/07/2026 19:51

Yes exactly @EmeraldShamrock000, I didn't say anything to the mum. Gosh people do like to think the worst of everyone on here don't they 🙄

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LadyWhistledownsSocietyPapers · 13/07/2026 17:57

Not long ago my DD was invited to an ice skating party with all the birthday girl's friends. 8 got invited to a sleepover after the party, just not the space to invite everyone who was there during the day.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 13/07/2026 17:14

WhatHappenedToYourFurnitureCuz · 13/07/2026 17:09

I think she means she mentioned the after party to her son, to prepare him.

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Oops. My mistake. Apologies OP.

WhatHappenedToYourFurnitureCuz · 13/07/2026 17:09

EmeraldShamrock000 · 13/07/2026 16:49

I can’t believe you were cheeky enough to enquire about the after party. Very entitled attitude and I’m glad she wasn’t embarrassed and didn’t cave into inviting your DS. I would have thought you were a CF helicopter parent.
The party invites alone were generous.
As he wasn’t at all bothered in the end, maybe you need to reassess your attitude towards these things. No one likes people who feel victimised over a birthday sleepover that everyone can’t be invited too.
I bet she told the parents of the children staying that you enquired.

Edited

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I think she means she mentioned the after party to her son, to prepare him.

CoffreFort · 13/07/2026 16:57

Snowdrops99 · 12/07/2026 19:52

Hi everyone, thanks for the recent responses. The party was last weekend and in the end I sent him with his friend and their parents. I briefly mentioned the after party and said that we can't all be invited to everything or something along those lines. There waa apparently quite a bit of discussion at the party about it but DS left with the other friends parents pretty swiftly and that boy came to play here. And there was absolutely NO mention of the after party when he got back and he hasn't brought it up since! He didn't seem at all bothered although I didn't really ask much as I figured no point making a big deal of it. Lessons learnt all round id say!

Your ‘lesson’ should be to stop projecting your own social insecurities onto your child and to stop making giant mountains put of tiny, tiny molehills.

Backawayfromthesausage · 13/07/2026 16:54

Snowdrops99 · 12/07/2026 19:52

Hi everyone, thanks for the recent responses. The party was last weekend and in the end I sent him with his friend and their parents. I briefly mentioned the after party and said that we can't all be invited to everything or something along those lines. There waa apparently quite a bit of discussion at the party about it but DS left with the other friends parents pretty swiftly and that boy came to play here. And there was absolutely NO mention of the after party when he got back and he hasn't brought it up since! He didn't seem at all bothered although I didn't really ask much as I figured no point making a big deal of it. Lessons learnt all round id say!

Oh yikes op.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 13/07/2026 16:49

Snowdrops99 · 12/07/2026 19:52

Hi everyone, thanks for the recent responses. The party was last weekend and in the end I sent him with his friend and their parents. I briefly mentioned the after party and said that we can't all be invited to everything or something along those lines. There waa apparently quite a bit of discussion at the party about it but DS left with the other friends parents pretty swiftly and that boy came to play here. And there was absolutely NO mention of the after party when he got back and he hasn't brought it up since! He didn't seem at all bothered although I didn't really ask much as I figured no point making a big deal of it. Lessons learnt all round id say!

I can’t believe you were cheeky enough to enquire about the after party. Very entitled attitude and I’m glad she wasn’t embarrassed and didn’t cave into inviting your DS. I would have thought you were a CF helicopter parent.
The party invites alone were generous.
As he wasn’t at all bothered in the end, maybe you need to reassess your attitude towards these things. No one likes people who feel victimised over a birthday sleepover that everyone can’t be invited too.
I bet she told the parents of the children staying that you enquired.

FinalFrog · 13/07/2026 14:15

No sane person has 8 children for a sleep over. Let him go and maybe he’ll make contacts and be invited to the sleep over next year.

TheBlueKoala · 13/07/2026 13:52

Snowdrops99 · 12/07/2026 23:15

@Lilypad789 yes I understand but I think it's actually very different. The mum dropped DS home and popped in with her DS for a chat, they started playing so I said he may as well stay for an hour while she went off to do some chores at home.

It's nothing like the original setup. 1. DS is not the bday boy. 2. He invited one friend.

I don't think the OP would have minded if the bday boy had had ONE friend staying over at his afterwards. The thing that made it awkward was that he had SIX friends staying over- the majority- so therefore the other few not selected could feel excluded.

Anarchy99 · 13/07/2026 09:28

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 13/07/2026 08:35

Why can’t you take him to laser tag and if he asks to go to the house say ‘no we’re seeing relatives now?’

also, fitting 6 children and their parent in a house is hard work.

i agree with pp it’s likely to be more which parents the bday boys parents are friends with that are being invited back for drinks while the kids play video games

That was suggested at the beginning of the thread by a few posters

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 13/07/2026 08:35

Why can’t you take him to laser tag and if he asks to go to the house say ‘no we’re seeing relatives now?’

also, fitting 6 children and their parent in a house is hard work.

i agree with pp it’s likely to be more which parents the bday boys parents are friends with that are being invited back for drinks while the kids play video games

Lilypad789 · 12/07/2026 23:36

Snowdrops99 · 12/07/2026 23:15

@Lilypad789 yes I understand but I think it's actually very different. The mum dropped DS home and popped in with her DS for a chat, they started playing so I said he may as well stay for an hour while she went off to do some chores at home.

Yeah it is a bit different but they still might have gone to school on Monday and chatted about it and some of the ones that weren’t at either thing might have felt crap. I’m not insinuating you did anything wrong, rather just musing really. I kind of meant it in a ‘the other parents might not have realised it was going to cause any upset’ kind of way by likening it to what happened at your house after the party. Anyway, I’m glad it ended well. Genuinely.

Original poster

Snowdrops99 · 12/07/2026 23:15

@Lilypad789 yes I understand but I think it's actually very different. The mum dropped DS home and popped in with her DS for a chat, they started playing so I said he may as well stay for an hour while she went off to do some chores at home.

OP posts:

Lilypad789 · 12/07/2026 23:09

OP, if your child left the party at the same time as several other children who weren’t invited to the ‘after party’ and you had only one of those children over to your house to play immediately, but not all of them…..can you see where I’m going? I’m not sure how that is any different to what the other parents arranged?

I’m absolutely not trying to give you grief, I actually thought it it was poor form (and did comment as much) but it’s not always easy to see that you’re potentially upsetting someone if you see what I mean.

Onmytod24 · 12/07/2026 20:20

Yes a good decision

Agniezs · 12/07/2026 20:10

Glad it went well.

Original poster

Snowdrops99 · 12/07/2026 19:52

Hi everyone, thanks for the recent responses. The party was last weekend and in the end I sent him with his friend and their parents. I briefly mentioned the after party and said that we can't all be invited to everything or something along those lines. There waa apparently quite a bit of discussion at the party about it but DS left with the other friends parents pretty swiftly and that boy came to play here. And there was absolutely NO mention of the after party when he got back and he hasn't brought it up since! He didn't seem at all bothered although I didn't really ask much as I figured no point making a big deal of it. Lessons learnt all round id say!

OP posts:

Bigtrapeze · 12/07/2026 16:39

Whilst the policy of two tier parties is very much not how I would do things, it seems a shame for DS to miss out and as more people are not sleeping over it is hardly exclusion in action. I would support DC to go to this if they wanted to.

Hopefully there will be a bit of diplomacy about the 'after party' but if there isn't, I think your reaction is key. If you explain that nobody can have that many kids to sleepover and the birthday child won't have been allowed to invite everyone with a cheerful smile, he'll learn one thing but if you talk about exclusion through gritted teeth, he'll learn another.

You can't change anyone's behaviour but your own but you could set a really good example about positive reactions and making the most of what you have rather than feeling disappointed about what you don't have. Adults are often offended on behalf of children despite children being far more accepting of these situations.

TankFlyBossW4lk · 12/07/2026 16:05

I'd send him. Presumably the parents etc know this an odd thing to do, so they won't be chatting about it wildly. Hopefully, your son won't find out and at least he's invited to this bit. He can join in any discussions on Monday.

Maybe he'll find another friend in the "not invited group".

Best wishes x

PurpleParent · 04/07/2026 19:53

I wouldn’t let him miss out on the main party because of this, he will have fun. However I wouldn’t have planned a party this way - it would have been one activity that everyone was invited to. If there was a group of close friends who wanted to get together after I would have arranged this for another day to avoid this situation.

cloudtreecarpet · 04/07/2026 06:43

MyMiniMetro · 03/07/2026 23:35

CAMHS has a huge waiting list because kids and their parents are not putting-up and shutting up with mental health issues like they used to 20 years ago. Add to that our understanding of neurodiversity has improved and more children are being referred instead being left to fail. You’ll know that being on a waiting list includes those seeking assessment, and not everyone will have a diagnosable condition.

For completeness, I just looked up the figures
68% of kids are not on a waiting list or diagnosed with a mental illness
12% are experiencing likely transient difficulties, of the type expected in childhood.
20% have a diagnosable mental health disorder.

I guess when you work in that 20%, it can seem like a lot more and there’s a lot of focus on that minority in the press which doesn’t help. We really need to keep sight of the 80% of kids who are mostly doing okay too. Discussing their whole generation as if they are all broken or ‘can’t cope’ does those kids a real disservice, don’t you think? It’s deeply unkind to the 20% with a condition or disorder and plain wrong about the other 80%.

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It's not just that, it's also young people within the 80% who struggle with University, struggle in their first jobs and are generally lacking in basic resilience and an ability to do things on their own.

Anecdotally I know of lots of young people my own two kids' age who have dropped out of courses, exams, University and jobs because they can't cope. They aren't on CAMHS waiting lists, they aren't part of that 20% but they are floundering in finding their way partly because their parents, in a desire to shield them from all upsetting or difficult situations in their childhood, haven't prepared them for real life.

Friends of mine who employ young people are seeing this too, it's not just me.

Emilesgran · 04/07/2026 00:47

MyMiniMetro · 03/07/2026 23:35

CAMHS has a huge waiting list because kids and their parents are not putting-up and shutting up with mental health issues like they used to 20 years ago. Add to that our understanding of neurodiversity has improved and more children are being referred instead being left to fail. You’ll know that being on a waiting list includes those seeking assessment, and not everyone will have a diagnosable condition.

For completeness, I just looked up the figures
68% of kids are not on a waiting list or diagnosed with a mental illness
12% are experiencing likely transient difficulties, of the type expected in childhood.
20% have a diagnosable mental health disorder.

I guess when you work in that 20%, it can seem like a lot more and there’s a lot of focus on that minority in the press which doesn’t help. We really need to keep sight of the 80% of kids who are mostly doing okay too. Discussing their whole generation as if they are all broken or ‘can’t cope’ does those kids a real disservice, don’t you think? It’s deeply unkind to the 20% with a condition or disorder and plain wrong about the other 80%.

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If the problems were just as bad 20 years ago but were left untreated, then presumably those children - now adults - did worse than the ones who are getting treated now?
Or are you saying the NHS is so terrible that CAMHS are not treating any more children than they were 20 years ago, they’re just making longer waiting lists?

And even if that were the case for the UK, how come every other developed country is seeing similar problems of increasing mental distress among young people? They can’t all have broken healthcare systems?