AIBU to find my mum increasingly difficult since her retirement?

If her life was 'genuinely perfect right now', she would be so unhappy.

I wonder if she's feeling useless and not of value now she has retired,so by keeping busy ,it makes her feel needed and important.
It's hard retiring ,you loose your identity,and have to try to find it in other ways

Oh god that sounds awful. So you have two parents to deal with not just one, who are impossible to deal with.

Let’s not heap personality disorder diagnoses on your poor mum. I think she loves you a lot and has probably looked forward to this for ages but is going about it all wrong.
i woods invite her to yours more where she can’t be cooking, go out for a few meals etc. if that fails then tell her she is stressing you out and needs to really chill out as she’s spoiling everything with the high expectations she has for herself. I think she wants it to be perfect instead of trying to relax

she's convinced she must be useful at all times.

OMG - this is my mum too. The older she gets (and the less useful in her eyes) the more unbearable she becomes. It's a sort of insecurity that has been hidden through a life of busyness and old age is bringing it all to the surface (or at least that's the case for my mum). I joke with her that I hop she gets hit by a bus while still in good health (but hopefully very old!) because if she is ever seriously incapacitated or needs care she'd honestly rather be dead.

What do you mean ‘she won’t let you cook, do laundry, nothing’?

If she isn’t in your house, she can’t stop you doing any of those things.

I would invite her for set periods, where you’re not doing anything houseworky or see them out of the house.

It is only in the last couple of years that my DM has been able to separate out her value as a person from her 'usefulness' to other people. I think it is ingrained in some people, older women especially (since they've often borne the brunt of caring for their family).

In my experience people do seem to get more 'extreme' in their personality traits as they get older. I appreciate that doesn't help you much but my Mum is definitely a more extreme version of her younger self now she is older.

It sounds like she is set in her ways but genuinely fond of you and keen to build a relationship with her grandchild (hence her worry that you will stop visiting). But just has very little idea of how to go about it.

She sounds like she has at least a few grains of self-awareness and understands that she can be 'too much' sometimes. But struggles to tone it down. So that's a good place to start.

I would just accept her as she is and set really firm boundaries around what you're willing to put up with. My DM's a bit bossy (tbf she's the only competent one in our family, the rest of us are a bit hopeless), but she knows this. Sometimes I invite her round specifically to 'organise' me and because there's a project that I can't get motivated to do so need her help and input. She knows I appreciate this aspect of her, just not all the time. Visits tend to last a maximum of 3-4 days (she lives a distance away so they always involve at least an overnight) as that's the maximum agreed time we can put up with each other. And I usually plan a couple of activities out of the house. I let my DM take over 'actively grandparenting' my children during these outings and just enjoy a peaceful coffee in the background. As your DS builds a closer bond with his grandmother, it will be easier for you to do this.

I'd give her some leeway... she's probably been building up you being back in her head for a while, and now it's not panning out exactly to plan so she's got to adapt to the reality, which she'll come to appreciate and enjoy in time.

Reduce time with them. Short sweet visits and or things outside both your houses like getting a takeaway coffee and going to the playground, softplay etc.

Sounds like she puts a lot of pressure on herself to please everyone, but can't really cope with the reality of how much stress it causes her. She might do well from counselling, in order to help her learn how to stop doing this.

This behaviour is textbook covert narc mother with enabler dad.

It destroyed my wife’s relationship (and mine) eventually with her parents. We tried everything to do the right thing, keep the peace, hosted them, bought nice presents, took them on holiday. I even found myself apologising to her mum in situations where I did nothing wrong. But the more you give, the worse it gets. It almost destroyed my wife’s MH.

Realize that you’re absolutely powerless to change your mum and your dad will back her till her last breath. You will only ever lose.

The best you can do is keep them at arms length and hope for the best.

Well tell Dad that if it's just her being her then you will just be you and stop visiting so often

No point seeing someone who makes visits so unpleasant. Stick to a once a week phone call.

Don't let her overbearing and controlling ways affect your children.

Very hard to do when you’ve spent a lifetime walking on eggshells and never having the courage to stand up for yourself.

OP mine is of a similar nature. Siblings and I have spent our lives navigating her moods and not wanting to set her off. However we have finally reached a point where we don’t stand for her shit anymore. (probably age related as we’re mid 40s and 50s now). Anyway if she’s rude we tell her, if she makes a cutting remark we pull her up on it. If she goes in a mood we let her stew instead of trying to make it all ok. She’s learning.

Not sure if you can do this but I do think you’ll reach a similar threshold and completely lose your patience with all of her nonsense

I think I would cut time with them, my mother can be like this. i can only cope seeing her 10-15 days a year at least on the phone I can say I’m busy and run off. 🤣

We’re crossing posts, sorry! See above. You have my sympathies, genuinely

Absolutely this.

OP, your update shows she’s already got your dad making sure you don’t reduce your visits into her lair of control.

Very tiring op isnt it. Perhaps just a difficult personality? Mine same.. can see why families dont visit) mine was always like that

You are literally describing the actions of a covert narcissist with enabler husband.

If you hadn’t lived abroad this would have blown up sooner but the bad news is, it’s all downhill from here. Narcissism gets worse with age.

I would advise you to keep boundaries using space & time otherwise this will finish your relationship with her.

Easy then. Don’t go to your parents’ house.

Tell them it’s too much for them and you’ll invite them to your place that you’re renting every Sunday for dinner and Wednesday for tea, or something like that. Be clear.

Don’t ask them for anything. No childcare, no housework help, nothing. It’s stressing them. The three course meals are so weird it has to be stress related or something similar.

Sounds really exhausting and difficult. From your OP, this isn't a huge change, and she's always been a bit like this, so maybe nothing to do with retirement? She certainly does sound angry, and very controlling, and I wonder if she's very sad underneath it all.

Was it her choice to retire? Is she struggling with not having as much to do as usual, hence the 3 course meals and constantly buzzing around?

Only you know whether you can talk to her about this. My mother is vaguely similar to yours, and any slightly negative comment on her behaviour would be treated as the worst insult ever. If this is the same for you, I think you need to consider how enjoyable this 'quality time' actually is and consider cutting it short