AIBU to find my mum increasingly difficult since her retirement?

My mum is just like this, which is why I don't live near her and have limited the time I spend with her. "It's just the way I am" isn't good enough.

But that doesn't have to be exclusively spent with them.

You sound like you don't like the situation but aren't really interested in doing anything about it.

The choice is yours either don't be a martyr, or a sheep, or a wet dishcloth, or any other applicable description and put some boundaries/distance in place, or put up with it but don't be moaning about it.

But if you don't start to do this you may find yourself guilt-tripped into not moving at all.

@HeatwaveToddlerMum334222 Youve mentioned that menopause is over, the thing is menopause is never over, women can deal with the symptoms for the rest of their lives.
It is worth seeing if she could benefit from HRT.

Is she cooking all your meals? Can't you just tell her that that is going to stop, you will be catering for yourselves from now on?

Thanks for clarifying. Does she have hobbies or do charity work or anything like that with her newly found free time?

I would personally set strict boundaries and limit my time with her whatever the reason for her behaviour.

Send her on a cookery course, give her a puppy or join her @ a Gymn?
There must be something else she can involve herself with?

Right. So. Listen to her.

No thanks to lunch, we will eat here and see you after.

Don't come here mum. I don't want you getting stuck in.

Also ease off generally for a couple of days. Make it clear that youre not going to 'make it worse' by putting her in a position where she can play martyr. Don't be the cause of her busyness!

Exhausting. And shitty.

Take control by not calling to them.

You are a mother yourself and you are behaving as if you are helpless.

They cannot make you call to them.
They cannot force you to eat or go anywhere with them.

You are pandering to her just like your father.

Have the row.
Spell it out.
Take action and step away.

Your mother needs to see you will not tolerate her dysregulation.

She will have to exercise self control or not see much of you.

I remember my mum being like this. My dad insisted nothing was wrong, she was just a bit tired and stressed at work. When we finally got her to go to the doctor's her blood pressure was sky high. She was much calmer and more relaxed when she was on the right medication.

well I am sorry to suggest this but if that is her reaction then your reaction is "well if that is how you are then i don't want to be around you" She isn't a child who can't regulate their behaviour and she can't just expect to do what she likes and be accepted for it.

It's still a huge change for her though, and then you moving back - for a new job I think you said? She could be feeling a bit threatened or undermined - not that you've done anything wrong at all of course.

Bang on about menopause never being over for some women. I am in my 70's and the symptoms have moderated but are now old friends. HRT made my fuse shorter and my reaction more violent so that's a possiblity. I was still me but me with the "fury" knob turned right up. It was my lovely husband who told me that we couldn't go on like it because I had started throwing things. Are you able to talk to her about it?

She just went in and unpacked your stuff? Tell me she hasn’t got keys?!

Or she was maybe made redundant / sacked and it's knocked her confidence. OP hasn't answered the questions about this yet so we can only guess.

These days, that is very young to retire.

I don't understand why you can't cook your own meals or do your laundry if you are not living in the same house?

My suggestion is to pull back and mix it up:

Make morning plans that take you out of the immediate vicinity and not around for lunch.

Maybe some days pop round on your own and let your DH have some time with your DC on his own.

You imply that at some point you will be moving elsewhere, so you have a perfect excuse to go away for a couple of days to investigate places you might move to etc.

OP's mum obviously made a decision to retire early as she isn't even 60 yet. I presume that she could have kept working until at least 66 but decided not to.

Maybe it'll calm down. There's only so much unpacking she can do.

And it's ok to say in advance please dont cook a big lunch. Sandwiches are fine. Or take lunch with you.

Can you say to her that you're exhausted just watching her and it's upsetting you that she seems to be doi ng all of this stuff and not just enjoying things. Like if you lived there and were too busy to see her. It cuts both ways.

I wonder if you moving back has destabilised something for her? My mum became quite aggressive towards me when I had my first baby, which I think, looking back, was out of fear of losing her own status as "the mother". So hurtful and confusing, but it helps me to remember it's not really about me. Whatever is going on, it's not your doing. If you can, it might be better to keep your distance a bit and have her visit you instead? I don't now if that would be any better for you but maybe it would.

She sounds exhausting!

60 is young to have retired - did she want to retire or did she have no choice? Maybe she's feeling lost without her job.

All women who live long enough go through menopause, and with or without HRT don't behave that way so I wouldn't excuse it due to that. It might possibly be a contributing factor.

I'd keep my distance and reduce time spent at her house. I'd also say to her she can't pop round but is very welcome on pre-arranged visits. Set boundaries.

OP, neither her, your father or yourself are interacting normally.

For her to come into your rented home and unpack is so unbelievably fxxked upped is astonishing.

You need to rethink your plans and blow up.

This is a toxic environment and your poor child is being exposed.

Forget your father, he is as bad, probably worse because he has facilitated this.

Your brother is closest to a bit of normality staying away.

Take a complete break.

Your father coming to relay her fears is more fxxked up manipulation.

If you can, bring forward the move to London.
She will not change.

Best case is you can maintain a distant polite relationship where she stays in a hotel for brief visits.

You cannot change this.
Accept it, manage it, move away from it.

Oh and I am 61 and this is not just menopause, which can easily go on til 70.

Menopause can exacerbate personalty traits, shorten tolerance, but doesn't make you a controlling, manipulative narc.

Agree with this. I’m 60+ and on HRT. I’m more mellow now than I was when stressed out of my brain 15 years ago with school kids, full-time work stress, house to organise, that’s for sure.

I’m still working btw, because it suits me. I also have a partner who’s supportive of that and who does a great deal of the housekeeping unlike your dad, OP.

For a start, menopause is never over. Is she on HRT?
Symptoms of menopause can be rage, anxiety, feelings of dread and pointlessness, lack of joy. If she's not on HRT then it could be that this is what's happening to her

I'm so sad that my own mum seemingly had a personality transplant at 50. None of us knew about the symptoms of menopause and I have to confess I judged her. If only she'd got some help