AIBU to find my mum increasingly difficult since her retirement?

im almost your mum’s age - I’m 60 next year - and I wonder does she suffer from depression? I think you honestly need to sit down and talk to her about how things are making you feel, just the two of you, because that’s the only way she will really understand. I would also stop going for meals, I have young grandchildren and I know a 3 course meal don’t mix, it’s hard enough getting them to sit down for some food at all! Your dad sounds like he may be appeasing her which isn’t nice for him, my own parents were a bit like this and my poor dad passed at 65 after just retiring and I now feel he wasted a lot of years being unhappy. I really think now is the time to get all of this out in the open, your brother obviously feels the same. Maybe he would talk with you but she may find that confrontational. Good luck !

If it's at all possible I would bring the London move forward. I would just tell her you need to move to London sooner than planned or spent the next few month traveling as much as possible. You can spent the next few years building healthy boundaries from London. Right now, you either suck it up or get away. Trying to get boundaries in place when you are this close is bound to backfire.

if it is menopause, its not her own making, but even so I think she is an adult and is capable of understanding the consequences of her behaviour.

I'm not going to armchair diagnose your mother as a narc or whatever, but she's clearly an absolutely massive martyr. And gently, OP, you sound like you have martyrish tendencies going on a bit too, although not the anger issues. Try and guard against those for the sake of your family, in terms of how you deal with your mother's behaviour.

Have you asked her straight why she is so angry?

always on the go and anger moments could be thyroid related

She bounds like a covert narc - they’re beyond exhausting

Frankly, you sound as bad as you portray her to be. An angry martyr, moaning about a situation you absolutely can take control over and change; by properly discussing her behaviour with her and how it makes everyone miserable/demanding change/setting a boundary - and if she won't listen - limiting contact.

But you don't have to put up with it. If she is difficult and unpleasant you don't have to be around her. Your dad will do anything to please her and for an easy life but you don't have to do what they say.

You are an adult and she and your father can't expect to tell you off like a naughty child and for you to immediately do as you are told.

Your brother has the right idea. Be more like him. If she hardly ever sees you, she only has herself to blame.

'So I can't win and it makes me quite dissapointed with her'

Totally understandable. It's so painful having a mother like this. However, I think this might be a case of choose your hard. It's hard being around her so much, and it's hard seeing less of her because then she's angry when you do see her. Which option brings you more peace and more control? There's no way to 'win' as such, and that's really shit, but you can decide how you manage her

Martyrdom. Just now unmasked with her unstructured time and “roles” removed. If it carries on, put some boundaries in. She’s 60, not 80.

You planned and are paying for abc scenario; now that you’re in situ you’re getting xyz scenario.

Be nimble and adjust your plans. Leave for London sooner. Spend more time out and about on day trips. Stay in your rental 6 days out of 7. Go on holiday. Go and visit friends. Don’t go to her house more than once every ten days.

Why would you continue with a plan that clearly is transpiring not to be any good for anyone? What’s the point?

Be round each other's houses less. Just sounds like you're seeing too much of each other. You both need some distance.

Tell her that she is the ridiculous one and she needs to stop herself behaving like this or get help, or she will end up even more angry and lonely, because there is only so much of her unsettling behaviour that her family can take if she won’t accept she has a problem regulating her emotions.

My mum is like this and my sister can be to an extent. I definitely gave a touch of it in me but have done a lot of therapy to try and rein it in.

The only solution I’ve found is limiting time spent with my mum which is easier said than done when you’re living round the corner. I’m also really explicit about my boundaries “I don’t want to do that so I won’t be”, “I’m not discussing that with you”, etc. If all else fails, I find an excuse to leave and calm down or to have a break when we’re staying nearby.

I would love to have a warm, friendly mum like others but that wasn’t the cards I got dealt so you’ve got to just try and work with what you’ve got.

As a 62-year-old retired person, I suggest this is neither an age thing nor a retirement thing. It is a her thing.

No idea how you handle it….. but if you were thinking you just have to accept it because she’s 60 or because she’s retired - no, you don’t.

At the same time, you can’t control or dictate how other people behave or whether they work on their issues. All you can do is decide on, and then hold, your own boundaries. And do your own inner work, of course. That in itself can help enormously to reduce the extent to which you get triggered by other people’s behaviour.

My DSis does this with our grumpy dad. "Dad, that was rude/annoying. Stop." To be fair, he does. I was really impressed the first time I heard her. My mum's never got to that stage with him.

MIL was like this, would cook massive meals and stand over you filling up your plate and get upset if you didn’t eat everything on your plate to the point I ended up putting on half a stone in a short space of time, would be constantly doing something and complaining about something, it was exhausting, you couldn’t say anything to her because then you’d be ‘picking on her’ - it was unbearable and it meant we pulled back from seeing them, which was the opposite of what they wanted but you have to put boundaries in. When we were eating if she started with her ‘why haven’t you eaten all of your macaroni cheese??? Don’t you like it?? I made it especially for you’ we’d have to be quite blunt and say stop monitoring what I’m eating, I’m full, I’ve eaten enough, and if she got upset we’d just let her. It’s like training a toddler, they have to learn they won’t get their own way all of the time.

Op, im the exact same age as your mum. And im sorry, she sounds like one almighty pain in the arse. You need to limit your exposure to her. She'll never change, especially with your dad keeping her on a pedestal. You probably forgot how bad she is when you were living abroad. Don't make excuses for her, just slowly learn to keep your distance from the both of them.

Im sorry, you have my sympathies

Except you can win by doing as @Wagyuestated - it’ll be hard at first but then she’ll know your boundaries & adapt accordingly.

My 'fury knob' got turned up to 11 on certain types of HRT- not sure how my husband survived, so I went without for a few years and I'm not sure how I survive because thats when the undiagnosed ADHD/ASD went off the scale and I ended up diagnosed.
Tried different HRT regime- much better, but still neuro- divergent 😡

And you are all miserable. Something is going to have to change, OP. Sticking doggedly to your plan is unlikely to work.

You've (rightly) tried a direct request, and she's knocked you back. So you need to set a boundary. Figure out how much / what type of contact feels non-exhausting to you.

It's shit that you're not getting the fairy tale time together that you imagined, when you took the rental. But that ship has sailed. This is now a time for figuring out how to renegotiate the relationship with your parents.

Maybe they will eventually change their behaviour if you set a clear boundaries, no-one here can really say. All you can control is your own actions.

You might need to grieve the relationship you thought you would have with them, before you can find a new one that's workable.

Yes but it’s not working. You have an idea of who your Mum is but the reality is different.

My DM was quite like this and we simply stopped going to her house for meals. It was too stressful, no one enjoyed it and we were never grateful enough for my DM.

She hates that we don’t come for meals but years of her shouting, snapping , stressing and sometimes drinking too much , took a toll and we had enough.

She can still be tricky (78) but if she starts the passive aggressive anger, I just leave. Drama loves an audience !!