AIBU to find my mum increasingly difficult since her retirement?

Only read the first page, but thought I would give you my input since I am 60 & old enough to be your mother 😂. Menopause is difficult, but what it did to me is that it triggered an auto immune disease. I was still having periods but felt so unwell only on blood tests was it picked up I was menopausal. Started HRT felt better hormone related ‘anxiety’ is something not in your head but psychological release of adrenaline that you cannot control, but 50 x times a day. Knackering. Ask her to see her GP so that they can check her hormone levels but also check nothing else going on. You also need to have an adult to adult conversation like the one I had with my mom today who is in her 80’s she was in a bad mood yesterday as she is selling her house & anxious but needs to keep it in check as no one will be around her to help as she is pissing everyone off. Hope that helps.

It sounds as if your mum has experienced a lot of change in a short space of time: loss of identity as a successful business woman (even if chosen it takes adjustment & it sounds as if she felt unable to continue rather than simply wanted to stop), sudden excess leisure time to fill, more time with your dad, your family returning from abroad & being in close regular contact, becoming a hands-on grandma & finding that isn't working so well... Many people who are emotionally stable with secure self esteem would find this a difficult transition and you indicate your mum might be anxious, perfectionist & reliant on doing and achieving in order to feel good about herself. So it's not surprising she's struggling. Frustrating as her behaviour is, I wouldn't assume this is necessarily what things are going to carry on looking like. It's a tough transition for you all to navigate and you need to enforce some boundaries with her but could you also take some of the pressure off by suggesting easy things you and she could do together that you would both enjoy? You both seem to have high expectations of this 'quality time' so you clearly both want it to work.

It's a well known fact menopausal symptoms can last way beyound 60 & some women are never totally symptom free. Cut her some slack.

Just stop. Seriously.

I am 60 and old, and i wouldn't tolerate this bullshit from anyone and I had a decade long brutal menopause when HRT was firmly linked to breast cancer so i wouldn't touch it.

I'm sure I had my moments too but what the OP is writing is ridiculous.

How manipulative.

Ugh, this is thrown at anyone who has any problem with an older relative. All people will not be here one day, some of those people are aggressive and unpleasant. I think OP is likely to be glad that she wrote this, and got help building a healthier relationship rather than letting herself and her son be treated badly.

One day she wont be here and you will regret writting stuff like this and one day you will be 60 and know how it feels

Sounds like she's spent her life trying to be productive in her work life, and at home as well (not allowing your dad to lift a finger) and now in retirement is just carrying that on, only the efforts to be productive have been replaced by trying to hold herself to the high standards she perceives to be necessary to carry out the perfect mother role, the perfect grandmother role, the perfect wife role. It must be exhausting to be on the receiving end.

I imagine her as a kind of Dobby character, punching herself on the the forehead if she thinks she's not being the perfect "house elf".

Anyone who wants to and can afford to,

Rage can be undiagnosed depression.

Lots of my friends in their 60's found magnesium bisglycerate, helped with sleep, as did Ashwagandha for stress.
A good B vitamin complex can help the nervous system.

If she has always been like this, then covert narcissisim is worth looking at.

You may have spent a lot of money but perhaps taking a holiday to break it up, on your own would be worth it.

That sounds a bit fucked up in itself, though. You've put yourself through the upheaval of another move just so you can spend time with them? dAre you sure you weren't subconsciously pressured into that?

I actually think it is your dad who is the problem. Mum is utterly frustrated at how useless and lazy he is, and takes it out on everyone else, except him. She has spent her whole married life waiting on him hand and foot. She sounds like she needs to be on HRT as well. Now her Estrogen levels have dropped, her mouth will be on fire.

This ^
in a way it’s an age thing for both of you. I suspect that she was the same 25 years ago ( my mum was) however work and children were her excuses for being stressed. As to you - you were a child then now you are a parent yourself so see things differently.
Think about boundaries, lower your expectations and yes to short and sweet meet ups.

I agree ☝️
I recognise my mum in your description OP,
as she got older and more and more stressed and anxious. Underlying the stress (especially since this should have reduced now she’s retired) could be adhd mixed with ocd or anxiety
so many posts here seem to think she can just stop and behave differently, but I’d bet there is a physical side to this which is blood pressure / insulin resistance / thyroid or something

could she feel bored and lacking a sense of purpose- did she have a demanding job before she retired?
the only thing that might help you is to expect the grumpiness, count the days until September and try and see a herva bit less! Maybe she’ll find a good way to spend her time now she’s not working and become easier to deal with

3 out of 4 couples in our friendship group. Gets to a point where you lose friends and family who haven't even been able to retire and you start to re evaluate everything.

I have a friend who had just retired in his 40s!

Who retires at 60 these days?

This is her personality, we don't change them with age generally. She's still quite young as a retiree and has a lot to give.

'I know what I need to do, I'm just sad.'

I get it OP. It's really sad - sad for her and sad for you ❤️

Sounds like she has lifelong ADHD.

This doesn't sound like it's something to do with your mums retirement or her age. It sounds more like she has serious undiagnosed mental health issues of an OCD nature.

I feel sorry for your poor mum. In her mind she has to do everything to show she cares and she is probably aware that youre not particularly happy.

Maybe you could arrange some fabulous but easy outings. To stately homes or to swimming pools where she could watch you and DS swimming.
It can be difficult for your mum because your son is only 2 yrs and not used to her.
How about suggesting an afternoon with you and your little one at a soft play centre.
She can watch and have a coffee while you do everything for your son.
I guess I'm trying to suggest you make her part of your team.
But you do all the necessary things for your son while she relaxes and enjoys the environment.
This time with you is probably incredibly important to her.

Gosh. We had the same parents.